Growing Up Sucks.

I know that many of you have probably not seen the new Indiana Jones movie (a bunch of us went to see a midnight show early this morning), so if you want to be surprised and stuff, maybe it's a good idea to skip over this entry until you've seen it.

For those of you who are still here, let me rap with you for just a minute. I'm going to assume that most of you have a special place in your hearts for the Indiana Jones trilogy (even Temple of Doom in its awesome suckiness). I also think that I wouldn't be too far off when I assume that this special place is also home to the original Star Wars trilogy. For me, these six movies defined what it meant to watch a bona-fide adventure movie. As a kid watching them, I remember getting entirely swept up in the story, the characters, and the locales; and as an adult re-watching them, I feel like they have withstood the test of time. Even cooler is the ability they have to remind me of a childhood in which I made many happy memories for myself by letting these movies capture my imagination.
Obviously, with this kind of geek incubation, I was super excited when, way back in the day, George Lucas announced the creation of three new Star Wars movies that take place before the originals. The prospect of revisiting old characters and discovering new ones within a universe that I revered and loved made me get all warm and fuzzy inside. Finally, the day came when Episode I hit theaters. My friends and I camped in line with a hundred other equally excited geeks and spent the night debating the modifications to the "special edition" trilogy and arguing about which manifestation of Princess Leia was hotter. The little nerdy kids in us were back in control.
Then Episode I had to completely suck. Darth Maul provided a modicum of badass, but only enough to demonstrate what might have been. Even as a high school student with a heavy bias towards anything that had to do with lightsabers and TIE fighters, I felt a bit disappointed. Though Episodes II and III were better than the first, they're still pretty awful. How could the original trilogy be so awesome and timeless while the new trilogy reached new levels of banality? I have deliberated on this question for some time, and I think the answer is this: George Lucas has sold his soul to Satan. Gone are the days when his passion for filmmaking alone fueled him through the difficulties and naysaying that plagued him during production of the original trilogy. The new trilogy is a perfect reflection of something great that has made an unholy bargain with Evil in order to make a quick buck. They're soulless, trite, and were only successful because of the legions of geeks who found solace on the Millennium Falcon as little nerdlings. We were all exploited, and something sacred has been profaned.

Such is the case with Indy 4. The little excited kid in me was viciously kicked in the teeth as one of my all time greatest movie heroes pranced around like a poorly animated cartoon character. Though at times the movie veered close to its original ass-kicking territory, it was mostly just painful and sad. After close to twenty years of time to write something awesome for Indy, we get this load of sci-fi garbage?
After having this one last hope dashed, I have come to realize that Lucas and Spielberg have officially allied themselves with the Sith by sacrificing some of their best work to the dark gods of CGI, box office revenue, and merchandising.

Hopefully this will cheer us up: