It's Like Being Eaten Alive By Maggots, But Worse.

I wanted to take a quick opportunity to write about a great disturbance in the Force: the supremely awful sap-tastic suckfest that is Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. I had been putting off seeing this movie for a very long time because I had heard tales of heinous, sentimental montages and because it has both Jennifer Lopez and Jason "piefucker" Biggs as two of its characters. I kind of tried to deny the film's existence, because I've been a big fan of Kevin Smith since I was in high school, and didn't want to believe that he would stoop to such levels of sellout bitchery.
But, after much conversation with Sheree about how bad the movie actually is, we decided to rent it and masochistically put ourselves through one of the most odious ninety minutes of my entire life.
For starters, this monumentally crappy and awful movie is crammed with every single romantic comedy/chick-flick/lame-ass life lesson movie that has ever been excreted from Hollywood's gilded bowels. Ben Affleck (his name in the movie is Ollie Trinke. Even his fictional name is an exercise in complete idiocy) is a fast talkin' music publicist who makes wisecracks about Madonna and attends the VMA's. He marries Jennifer Lopez (Gertie. Gertie and Ollie Trinke. Can you believe that shit?) and she dies of an aneurysm after having their first baby (Which isn't much of a surprise, considering the fact that women with perfect hair and makeup during childbirth probably can't handle the process). So, Affleck is stuck with his fast-paced lifestyle at odds with his reluctant fatherhood. He gives his daughter (also Gertie. Why?) to his lovable alcoholic of a father (Even the one-time controversial stand-up comedian George Carlin pushes the boundaries of total sappiness) Affleck gets a kick to the head when he freaks out and insults Will Smith, which gets him fired.
Fast forward seven years and blah blah blah little, wisecrackin' seven-year-old blah blah blah Liv Tyler at a video rental store blah blah blah awkward attempted sex scene blah blah blah Affleck gets a second chance at his old job blah blah blah daughter doesn't wanna move to the city blah blah blah Affleck decides (with a little help from Will Smith. Oh the irony!) that family is more important blah blah blah movie ends with me puking out loads and loads of chunky gut-juice, ruining Sheree's carpet.
Now, here is a critical deconstruction of the cover, to supplement the film's inherent suckiness that has already been discussed. You'll notice that I have provided numbers next to certain sucky elements of this cover. The following will be a more in-depth analysis of these points.
1. You'll notice that Kevin Smith's picture is right here as if to say, "That's right, I'm the same guy who made such good movies as Clerks, Mallrats, and Dogma." which leads one to believe that this too will be a good movie. It's not.
2. You'll also notice that Jason Biggs is both on the cover, and has received third billing right after Liv Tyler. This leads one to believe that he probably has a big part, right? I mean, Jennifer Lopez plays Affleck's freaking wife and she's not named or featured on the cover, so Piefucker must totally be in this movie a lot, right? He's not. It's just a marketing tool designed to get all the frat-boys who walk past it at the video store to say, "Hey! This movie has the kid from American Pie in it, and since I'm one of the morons who liked that movie, I bet I'll like this one too!"
3. One more thing you'll notice is that Larry King called this movie "Terrific!" which also shows up on the cover. While Mr. King probably did say this, one fact remains: this movie is too godawful to be considered "terrific."
Aside from every moment of this movie being the worst moment of my life, the thing that really, really hurt me in my heart-realm was the fact that Kevin Smith is a very important figure in both independent film and geek-culture. To see him kneel to the god of formulaic Hollywood crap like a little bitch completely negates any credibility that he has ever had as a filmmaker.

And that just makes a little bit of me die inside.

No Mercy! No Escape! No Commercials!

One day, long ago, I had a vision. I think that it started out after watching Puppet Master I-III on the Sci-Fi channel. At the time (I was in high school, working dutifully at Sam Goody, a sellout record store located within the bowels of Fashion Place Mall) I let my mind wander to what I would do if the powers that be put me in charge of a TV station. The powers would say, "Alex, we, the Powers That Be, are hereby granting you the ability to create a cable channel. Do with this opportunity as you see fit," to which I would reply, "Then let this channel be dedicated to that which terrifieth! That which horrifieth! That which cometh drenched in the whoorish blud of Babylon!" I thought a channel that was dedicated to horror movies (and horror TV shows) would be rad.
Now, years later, there is one on cable called Chiller. I was pretty stoked when I found out about it, especially after I found out that Tales From the Crypt, Twin Peaks, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and the brutally lame Freddy's Nightmares would all be included in the show's repertoire. So I started watching it. Here's why it sucks.
1. The movies that they have, although sometimes good, are both edited for content and presented with regular commercial interruptions. Unacceptable! When I watch my horror movies I demand viscera! And commercials are just annoying. I don't know anyone who disagrees with me. Which brings us to number 2.
2. Okay, regular commercials bug me enough, but the ones they show on Chiller are damned infomercials! Right after some chump gets eaten or chopped or melted, boom! It's a commercial for adult diapers and erectile dysfunction. Totally ruins the scary mood of (even an edited) horror movie. I mean, come on!
3. No original programming! What I wouldn't give to see some new TV shows that just bitched about horror film remakes, or a segment in which we watched music videos from bands that are especially terrifying. Think about it!!!

That being said, here is a sample of a day's programming were I in charge (all movies would be presented in all of their bloody glory. And while we're making things up, there wouldn't be commercials):
Let's start with the mornings. The morning should be for the kids, so from six to nine AM, we'd show all of the really cool cartoons that have a scary-ish theme, such as Count Duckula, Beetlejuice, Mutant League, The Toxic Crusaders, The Real Ghostbusters, and (since I can't think of anything better), Scooby Doo. Actually, maybe we'd start with Scooby Doo, so the good ones get seen.
From nine AM to noon would then be a good time for the horror TV shows like Tales From the Crypt, The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Night Gallery, Tales From the Dark Side, and yes both Freddy's Nightmares and Friday the 13th: The Series. These are perfect shows with which to waste time while the morning becomes the afternoon.
Next, from noon to four PM, a lovely double feature. They'd be two movies that shared a common thread or sequels like Critters and Critters 2, hosted by an Elvira/Vampira-ish hostess with a goofy zombie sidekick or something.
From four to six PM, we kick in the original programming. I'd want an Ebert and Roeper-style movie show called "Cutting Room," but instead of portly dudes, it'd be a nerdy cyborg named STAR-69 and an undead butt-rocker named Scalp. And they'd just review horror movies. Then we'd have an hour long music program called "Howlers" that showcased bands like Type O Negative and Lordi. It'd show music videos, concerts, and the occasional interview. After that, there'd be a half-hour show dedicated to milestones in the horror genre called "Freaks." It'd be about important books, people, TV, movies, etc. and their origin stories.
Six to eight PM would be filled with the two greatest macabre TV shows ever: Twin Peaks and The X-Files.
Eight PM to midnight would also be dedicated to horror movies, but they would be more focused on recent stuff from the last twenty years or so. No themes or anything, just two awesomely scary movies.
Of course at midnight, we would show a special midnight movie. These would be taken from the vast library of cult movies like Dead Alive and The Toxic Avenger. The midnight movie would probably be followed by one more random horror film, and then from 3 to 5:30 AM we would show a lot of the weird Anime that exists out there like Wicked City and Vampire Hunter D.

And there you have it! Now that I have laid this out, you're pissed that Chiller is all we have, huh? Oh well. I'll just have to wait until I get a HDTV and order Monsters HD. So until then, keep dreaming, my friends. Keep right on dreaming.