7/23/08

It's Legal for Zombies to Practice Cannibalism

Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I think zombies are awesome. It's awesome how they eat brains, it's awesome that since 28 Days Later, zombies run really fast, and it's awesome to fight zombies in Resident Evil 4. So, in honor of the awesomeness of zombies, here are two movie trailers to upcoming zombie films that will probably fall under the category of "shittingly good."





Sweet! In honor of the sustainability of the zombie movie, here's an obligatory "Top 5" list:

5. Night of the Living Dead: I guess this one has to go on any list of zombie movies that's worth a damn. George Romero's gutsy decision to cast an African American protagonist in the 60's is only matched by his gutsy decision to show a little girl zombie kill her parents with a putty knife. Plus, zombie movies are cool when they're in black and white.
4. Shaun of the Dead: Not only did I find this British zombie flick effing hi-larious, it was also pretty scary and emotional at parts. It presented an awesome parody on a lot of classic zombie flicks, and did it in a way that didn't suck.
3. Dawn of the Dead (2004): I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this movie's awesomeness elsewhere in the haunted corridors of my blog, so I'll just say that 50% of this movie's genius can be found in the opening credits which sets forth a barrage of brutal news footage involving the undead to "When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash.
2. 28 Days Later: I mean come on! Running zombies? Zombies that actually could pose a threat to your bodily well-being? Zombies that pursue you with all the vigor and rage of a soccer mom in rush hour traffic? Bloody brilliant. I'd also give props to Cilian Murphy and how he rescues his compatriots from a deranged group of soldiers using a combination of cognizant zombie infiltration and his own pissedness.
1. Evil Dead 2: Pure, unadulterated badass! Ash is one of my all-time favorite characters in all of moviedom. I like this one the best because it was with me during some pretty hard times growing up in the Riverton 'hood. I almost teared up during the "Doc Ock hospital scene" in Spider Man 2 which was a total throwback to Sam Raimi's days exploring that haunted cabin in the woods.

And let's close with a suggestion from The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. According to Brooks, the best item that you can have with you in the event of a zombie holocaust is a good ol' crowbar. The logic behind this suggestion is that a crowbar is not only a trusty tool in dispatching the undead (it's all about blunt trauma!), but it will also help you break into boarded up structures, open crates, and you can even use a crowbar to open canned food!

Makes sense to me!

Ruminations on the Magic Kingdom

Though there are many great and wonderful things about visiting Disneyland, here are some of the things that I noticed during a recent visit.
First, I really like how Disneyland smells. That sounds strange and all, but when you walk down Main St., making your way to Mickey's Castle, your nose gets assaulted by all of these awesome whiffs. You've got the ice cream parlor whipping out waffle cones and brewing hot fudge, the fruit stand that smells like pineapple and grapes, and the kitchenwares shop that smells like hot chocolate. Not to mention the churro and cotton candy stands that are strategically positioned throughout the park. Churros and cotton candy have two of the best smells ever.
The one unfortunate thing about having so many good smells is that every now and again you get a quick and brutal whiff of vomit at very random spots. I think that this is so in order to preserve the cosmic balance by presenting some kind of opposition to all of the awesome smells, so it doesn't bother me too much.
Second, there are two foods that are always mindblowing at Disneyland. The pineapple juice float and the mighty turkey leg. Although on this particular venture, Sheree and I did not feast upon turkey leg, we did get pineapple juice floats outside the tiki room, and there was much rejoicing.
Third, New Orleans Square. There's this part right before you walk down the alley leading to the Blue Bayou and Le Bat En Rouge where if you stand and just look upwards, you have a feeling like you've been transported to another time. There are a lot of these vortexes around Disneyland (which I think is why it's so popular. One gets addicted to the escapism Disneyland provides), but this is the one that I always remember.
Fourth, Disneyland was not very busy this time around. The last time we went to Disneyland, the streets were choked with people. I mean choked! When it gets this crowded, Disneyland tends to piss me off. But this time around, the crowd was totally manageable and we never waited more than twenty minutes for a ride.
Fifth, I didn't have a sunburn-induced blister the size of a tennis ball on my leg. As many of you know, the first time I went to Disneyland with Sheree and her family, I got this mutant blister from a sunburn on my ankle. At the time I was too disgusted and ashamed to take a picture, but now I wish that I did just so I could show everyone. I named it Wilhelmina.
Yup, Disneyland is pretty much awesome. It was a great trip, and it took my mind off of all the stupid finals and crap that I have due in the next few weeks. You're a good man, Walt.

Urban Recon Mission #3729-X, Codename: Eyeballman

So there was this one time when I was driving from my job at ArtTix to my class up at the University of Utah when I noticed a giant eyeball staring at me from inside a book store on about 200 w. and 300 s. Intrigued by the presence of this giant eyeball, I quickly looked upwards slightly so as to discern the name of this establishment that so blatantly displays giant eyeballs in their windows. The place was called "Red Light Books" and I noticed a list of their sundries beneath the store's name: books, cds, movies, and comics. I was intrigued. I already like all four of those things, but throw in a giant eyeball and I'm sold. I didn't have time to stop and check it out, so I made a mental note to go sometime in the near future. That sometime just happened to take place this afternoon...

I popped a quarter into the parking meter outside which gave me 15 minutes to skulk around inside (I think that you have to skulk in a place like this, otherwise you'll be found out and sacrificed to Astaroth). The store was indeed dingy, complete with that dingy store smell, but it added to its oppressively creepy ambiance. The walls were decked out with circa 1970's movie posters (Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, Charles Bronson stuff) as well as some bizarre local (at least I think it was local) art of the headless-baby-doll-with-many-nails-poked-through-its-plastic-body variety, as well as some abstract portraits of Josef Stalin and Jeffrey Dahmer (I'm not making this up). Of course, I was both repulsed and attracted. I made a quick survey of their wares, which were indeed books, cds, movies, and comics, but damn...this was some crazy weird stuff. For starters, I noticed one book titled The Erotic Art of Olaf which really needs no further description, and another called Cinema Sewer: The Adult's Only Guide to History's Sickest and Sexiest Movies. As I skimmed over the other titles, I began to get a little worried that hanging out in the books section for too long would brand me as some kind of sexual deviant. So I decided to check out the movies. They didn't have many movies. I almost bought Wes Craven's The Last House On the Left because it was only eight bucks, but I remembered that I was on a strict recon mission and didn't want to blow my cover. Growing tired of spinning the VHS movie towers around, I skulked over to the music section. I learned on MySpace that the proprietor of this store is also in charge of an indie record label that I can only assume specializes in proto-goth-industrial-speed-thrash-metal-core. I made one more sweep around, had a look at the T-Shirts (which were touting many of the names of the bands whose cds I wasn't buying), and decided that my 15-minute recon mission should come to a close. As I left, I nodded congenially to some gangly bohemeans that were bringing a drum kit in from outside, and was glad to be wearing my Stabby McKnife t-shirt because of the hipster camouflage it provides.
Though this place didn't exactly have anything that I would particularly want to buy, I remain intrigued at its existence because I thought stores like this only happened in the movies. Perhaps next Saturday I'll check out the "dismal ululations of black ritual noise" show and see if Black Seas of Infinity, Ghastly Hatchling, Night Terror, and The Tenants of Balthazar's Castle can't depress me into a puddle of emo-goth mascara.