It's Like Being Eaten Alive By Maggots, But Worse.

I wanted to take a quick opportunity to write about a great disturbance in the Force: the supremely awful sap-tastic suckfest that is Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. I had been putting off seeing this movie for a very long time because I had heard tales of heinous, sentimental montages and because it has both Jennifer Lopez and Jason "piefucker" Biggs as two of its characters. I kind of tried to deny the film's existence, because I've been a big fan of Kevin Smith since I was in high school, and didn't want to believe that he would stoop to such levels of sellout bitchery.
But, after much conversation with Sheree about how bad the movie actually is, we decided to rent it and masochistically put ourselves through one of the most odious ninety minutes of my entire life.
For starters, this monumentally crappy and awful movie is crammed with every single romantic comedy/chick-flick/lame-ass life lesson movie that has ever been excreted from Hollywood's gilded bowels. Ben Affleck (his name in the movie is Ollie Trinke. Even his fictional name is an exercise in complete idiocy) is a fast talkin' music publicist who makes wisecracks about Madonna and attends the VMA's. He marries Jennifer Lopez (Gertie. Gertie and Ollie Trinke. Can you believe that shit?) and she dies of an aneurysm after having their first baby (Which isn't much of a surprise, considering the fact that women with perfect hair and makeup during childbirth probably can't handle the process). So, Affleck is stuck with his fast-paced lifestyle at odds with his reluctant fatherhood. He gives his daughter (also Gertie. Why?) to his lovable alcoholic of a father (Even the one-time controversial stand-up comedian George Carlin pushes the boundaries of total sappiness) Affleck gets a kick to the head when he freaks out and insults Will Smith, which gets him fired.
Fast forward seven years and blah blah blah little, wisecrackin' seven-year-old blah blah blah Liv Tyler at a video rental store blah blah blah awkward attempted sex scene blah blah blah Affleck gets a second chance at his old job blah blah blah daughter doesn't wanna move to the city blah blah blah Affleck decides (with a little help from Will Smith. Oh the irony!) that family is more important blah blah blah movie ends with me puking out loads and loads of chunky gut-juice, ruining Sheree's carpet.
Now, here is a critical deconstruction of the cover, to supplement the film's inherent suckiness that has already been discussed. You'll notice that I have provided numbers next to certain sucky elements of this cover. The following will be a more in-depth analysis of these points.
1. You'll notice that Kevin Smith's picture is right here as if to say, "That's right, I'm the same guy who made such good movies as Clerks, Mallrats, and Dogma." which leads one to believe that this too will be a good movie. It's not.
2. You'll also notice that Jason Biggs is both on the cover, and has received third billing right after Liv Tyler. This leads one to believe that he probably has a big part, right? I mean, Jennifer Lopez plays Affleck's freaking wife and she's not named or featured on the cover, so Piefucker must totally be in this movie a lot, right? He's not. It's just a marketing tool designed to get all the frat-boys who walk past it at the video store to say, "Hey! This movie has the kid from American Pie in it, and since I'm one of the morons who liked that movie, I bet I'll like this one too!"
3. One more thing you'll notice is that Larry King called this movie "Terrific!" which also shows up on the cover. While Mr. King probably did say this, one fact remains: this movie is too godawful to be considered "terrific."
Aside from every moment of this movie being the worst moment of my life, the thing that really, really hurt me in my heart-realm was the fact that Kevin Smith is a very important figure in both independent film and geek-culture. To see him kneel to the god of formulaic Hollywood crap like a little bitch completely negates any credibility that he has ever had as a filmmaker.

And that just makes a little bit of me die inside.