I Eat Ganados For Breakfast...With Skim Milk.

So...close....to....falling...a....sleep.... Must....write.....weblo....g.....

Hoo boy, Tuesdays and Thursdays are lo-ong. As I write this, I'm in one of my four classes and I am having a hell of a time keeping my eyes open. Wanna hear about Resident Evil 4 and how I just barely finished it? You do? Okay. I'll tell you about my experience doing battle with Las Plagas.
So in this freaking sweet game, you play as a dude named Leon. Leon's pretty badass! He survived Resident Evil 2 and saw Raccoon City nuked by the American military as the T-Virus got totally out of control on his first day as a cop. Apparently, Leon is so impressed by the government's testosterone driven use of overkill that he decides to become a government security agent. A few years after the eradication of Raccoon City, Leon gets called to Europe to investigate the kidnapping of the U.S. president's daughter. At first, he thinks it's the work of an obscure Spanish death cult that harbors a secret terrorist agenda. And he's right! Except that the majority of the cult members have been enslaved by sentient parasites known only as.... Las Plagas. This means that once you figure out that shooting cultists in the head is the best way to kill them, the Plagas pop out of their bloody neck-stumps with tentacles and bones and try to eat your face.
Throughout his mission, Leon remains pretty dense as to what's really going on (he's just here to get the president's daughter and get out! What the hell are Las Plagas anyway? Who cares?) but he eventually figures it out when he gets injected with a Plaga of his very own. Once Leon starts to cough up blood and lose control of his will, he figures that something bigger is going down after all.
As the mystery unravels, it becomes revealed that a guy named Osmund Saddler is the leader of this cult (meaning he can control the Plagas themselves. He has this crazy staff that has eyes and tentacles that makes this possible), and his grand, malevolent plan involves injecting the president's daughter with a Plaga and sending her back home to infect the president and eventually....the world. As Leon's old friend/new nemesis Jack Krauser notes: "A conservative mind wouldn't understand the good that we're doing..." Sick burn, conservatives!

At this point, I imagine that many of you are saying to yourselves, "Alex, this game came out like, three years ago. How come you're just now getting around to finishing it?" Well, friend-o, I'll tell you. First, I didn't get a Gamecube for awhile. I purchased one for the express purpose of playing Resident Evil 4 because I played a demo whilst I was working at Gamestop. I played it pretty steadily, until I got to the freaking scary island facility and the freaking scary regenerators/iron maidens. Regenerators are genetically altered freaks of nature that can't be killed! That is, can't be killed until you get a thermal imaging scope for your sniper rifle. Then you have to shoot the Plagas that are responsible for growing back the creature's limbs after you blow them off with a shotgun.
So, I fought a couple of them, enduring their inhuman mouth-breathing and glowing red eyes for a pretty good amount of time. It was always such a relief when their metabolism sped up and caused them to implode. But there was this one encounter that scared me so bad that I peed a little in my pants and had to stop playing outright. I was faced with a regenerator, I accidentally shot its leg off, it slithered towards me like a giant snake, hopped up, and took a bite out of my shoulder! I couldn't handle the sheer shock of what happened, so I shut off my Gamecube and changed my pants. I didn't touch it again until it came out on the Wii, and decided to give it another go. I manned up, if you will, slaying all manner of Cronenbergian abominations until I stood face to face with Osmund "crazy legs" Saddler himself (well, it was face to face until his head blew up and turned into a scorpion made out of muscle and gravy). I blew his terrorist eyeball-mouth to kingdom come, rescued the president's daughter (on a jetski!), and blew up the island. It was awesome!

Resident Evil 5 is due out sometime next year, and I am stoked to once again play it, get too scared to finish it, and then come back years later for another attempt. It'll feature running zombies, a la 28 Days Later! F***k yeah!

There Is No Shermer, Illinois.

1. Did you date anyone from your high school? Yes. Her name was Andrea. She was the Antichrist.
2. What kind of car did you drive? I started with the Pony, but a dumptruck ran over it while I was sluffing. Afterwards, I drove a sweet Honda Civic. It had a sunroof!
3. What was the most embarrassing moment of high school? Probably the time I threw up in the drinking fountain outside of my ceramics class. It was only embarrassing because there ended up being some people in the hall that I didn't see before I let loose my vomitous thunder.
4. Where you a party animal? No, but I was an avid party animal rights activist.
5. Were you considered a flirt? Probably not.
6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.
7. Were you a nerd? Depends on whether or not you differentiate between "geek" and "nerd."
8. Were you on any varsity teams? Nope. We just heckled the opposing team at varsity football games.
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? No, but I did own a pair of suspenders.
10. Can you still sing the fight song? They didn't allow fights at my school.
11. Who were your favorite teachers? The ones that didn't suck.
12. Where did you sit during lunch? In the commons. They erected a wolf-like monument on the place where we sat, so as to commemorate our outstanding progress in the field of slacking.
13. What was your school's full name? Riverton International House of Pancakes.
14. School mascot? A stupid silverwolf.
15. Did you go to homecoming? With who? Yes. With the aforementioned Antichrist.
16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? No, but I would like to go back and shoot myself with a paintball gun.
17. What do you remember most about graduation? Going to Denny's around four in the morning and ordering nothing but a grapefruit juice and a vanilla Coke. It was gross.
18. Where did you go on senior skip day? I don't know what that is.
19. Were you in any clubs? No. Nor did I go clubbing.
20. Have you gained some weight since then? I imagine so.
21. Who was your prom date? The aforementioned, aforementioned Antichrist.
22. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? I guess so. My 5 year reunion involved a chocolate fountain, which was lovely.
23. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? Don't be such a moron. Now I'm going to shoot you with a paintball gun.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 3)

And now, the eagerly awaited final chapter....

So, remember in my last post when I said shit got real on Saturday and Sunday? Well, it did. Our top priority was to hit the Battlestar Galactica (or BSG, to hardcore mutha-frakkers). But a dilemma presented itself: The BSG panel was in ballroom 20, but right before it started, there was a Lost panel in hall H, which we also wanted to see (mainly because Lost is awesome). After some deliberation, we decided to split up. Sheree was going to hold our seats in ballroom 20 (and brave the dreaded spotlight on Dean Koontz that was also scheduled to take place in ballroom 20) while I waited in line to see if the Lost creators decided to reveal any news as to the next season and whatnot. I waited in line for a really long time, and managed to get in to see the ass end of the Lost panel, in which fanboys asked questions that the creators obviously weren't going to answer (i.e. "so uhhh, like, what's the deal with the black smoke thingy?"). At this point, I realized that anything cool that the Lost panel had to offer was had already been doled out, so I made a mad dash back to ballroom 20, hoping against hope that I'd be able to get back to the seats that Sheree was holding (you see, right before the BSG panel was a panel dedicated to Joss Whedon's new TV show Dollhouse. One of the many lessons that I learned at the Con was that everyone there thinks that Joss Whedon is God, hence his panels tend to get overcrowded). I barely squeezed myself in just as the Dollhouse panel started, and was able to reunite with Sheree when it ended. Oh, and it's also important to mention that on my return trip back to ballroom 20, I happened to run into John Cassaday (remember him? He draws Astonishing X-Men and was on the cool EW panel that I mentioned in my first Comic-Con post. I told him that I freaking loved Astonishing X-Men, and he was pretty genuinely cool. Good times).
Right. The BSG panel was boss. Kevin Smith was the moderator, and he introduced the creators (Ronald Moore and David Eick) as well as the principal cast (Tricia Helfer, James Callis, Katee Sackhoff, Michael Trucco, along with unannounced appearances by Jamie Bamber and Tahmoh Penikett). Of all the panels we sat in on, this one (and the Watchmen one) felt like the biggest deal. The final half of the final season will be on next year, and the cast had just finished filming the final episode, so it was kind of awesomely bittersweet to see them talk about their favorite moments on the show (fun fact: most of the cast felt that the scene where Galactica jumps right into the atmosphere of New Caprica and starts launching Vipers was the best moment of the show). Anywho, when they finished up, the whole mass of ballroom 20 stood up to offer them an ovation, to which they replied by standing up and offering the mass their applause. It was a great moment in time.

Afterwards, we decided to go down to see the exhibition floor. Unbeknownst to us, however, was the fact that Saturday is when tons of celebrities hang out at their respective employer's booths and sign autographs. This is when things got crazy awesome, and the exact tale goes something like this:

Sheree and I were navigating our way through the relentless throng of ninjas, pirates, C.O.B.R.A. terrorists, Autobots, and Decepticons when I noticed someone through the crowd. I had to look twice in order to be sure, but as we got closer to the WB booth, there was Nathan Fillion. Since I've been back, I've noticed that a lot of people don't really know who Nathan Fillion is, which is too bad. Oh, and the important part of this story is that Sheree has a huge crush on him. He was one of the three celebrities that Sheree was hoping to meet for riz (the other two being James Franco and James Callis). So we hopped in line to get his autograph (oh, I should mention that he was part of a group that was promoting a new animated Wonder Woman dvd, so we got all of the animators and stuff to sign this Wonder Woman poster). When we got to Mr. Fillion, I readied my camera to take his picture with Sheree, saying "Sheree has a huge crush on you!" to which he replied "Careful! I'll steal her away from you!" which caused Sheree so much joy that she almost threw up. It was dope.
Shortly after this occurrence, we wandered past the Troma booth where Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Entertainment, was talking to some schmuck about making movies. I noticed him and thought it would be cool to get him to sign my Comic-Con badge. So Sheree and I walked over and tried to get a word in, but before I could say anything, Mr. Kaufman walked out of the booth and kissed Sheree on the cheek saying, "All you need for a successful movie is a beautiful woman like this!" and then he wandered back to his booth. Freaking guy didn't even wanna talk to me :(

The last panel of the night was one dedicated to Pineapple Express, which we were really excited about. This one had Judd Apatow with Seth Rogen, James Franco, Danny McBride, Amber Heard, Evan Goldberg, and David Gordon Green. As with anything involving Judd Apatow, this whole panel was crazy funny. Plus, they showed like, five clips from the movie (which looks like it's going to be mindfudgingly good). This was also one of my favorite audience q & a sessions, because Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen would rip into certain people at just the right moments. It was great!

As for Sunday, we spent the entire day in the exhibition hall. Sure, we were looking for cool stuff to buy, but mainly, we wanted to make sure the experience would be fresh in our minds for a long time. When our legs started to hurt, we decided to check out the autograph booths upstairs because the ladies of Evil Dead (Ellen Sandweiss, Betsy Baker, and Theresa Tilley) were there signing autographs, and I thought it would be a cool addition to my Bruce Campbell autographed Army of Darkness poster. Before we get to them, I just want to say that the tables without any lines made me really sad. For example, there was some guy who was in Star Wars: Episode I, but I had no idea who he was. I felt bad because he was sitting there at his table with his little drink, but nobody gave a damn. But, I suppose if you are barely in a movie, you shouldn't expect people to want your autograph. Oh, and even worse were the tables that had Playboy centerfolds from ten years ago. That was just heart-breaking. But I digress. We went and talked to the Evil Dead ladies who were all very nice, so I bought a little picture for them to sign. During the autograph process, one of them asked where we were from and such, and I told them that we were from Utah on our honeymoon. At this, all three of them stopped and looked up. "You decided to come here on your honeymoon?" they asked in unison. At this, we both beamed and were like, "That's right! That's how kickass we are!" and they loved it.

And that's how we wrapped up our experiences at the Con. It was definitely a life-altering experience, and I've been on a geek buzz ever since we've been back. Many times during our trip I realized that a dream had come true, and that dream was this: Visiting the largest and most prestigious comic book convention in the world with my new bride, who is just as geeky as I am.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 2)

Before I continue my Comic-Con extravaganza, I need to correct a fatal omission about the Thursday movie panels. So, right after the Max Payne panel finishes, the moderator dude was all, "Now we have a special treat for you all...." I was intrigued! So we waited for a few minutes while this guy introduces the mystery guest who turned out to be none other than Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman! He popped in to show us the trailer for his new movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It might be too early to tell, but it looked badass.

Okay, now for the Friday festivities. The big event of the day was the Watchmen panel. We got there pretty early, and still had to wait in a huge freaking line (the lines were amazingly long, but were managed surprisingly well). It ended up being worth it though. Way worth it. Zack Snyder and the entire cast (Malin Akerman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick Wilson, Billy Crudup, Carla Gugino, Jackie Earle Haley, and Matthew Goode) were there to promote the flick, and Mr. Snyder showed the extended trailer not once, but twice! I think it was during this panel when I realized that the cast's interaction with one another on the panel is a good indicator of whether a movie is going to suck or not. They were all funny and charming (especially that Billy Crudup. He's so hot right now), and it made me way stoked to see the movie next year. After that, we went upstairs to peep on the Joss Whedon panel (mainly for the chance to see Nathan Fillion and Neal Patrick Harris. Joss Whedon's kind of a big nerd). We were late getting in because of all the rabid buffy fans, but they were there promoting their online musical called Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which I have downloaded from iTunes but haven't watched yet.

Upon vacating Ballroom 20 (basically everything cool happens in Ballroom 20 and Hall H. Most of our time was spent walking back and forth between these two rooms), we went back to Hall H to see the Star Wars panel, which had some cool clips from the new videogame Force Unleashed (apparently Darth Vader kills the player's father when the player is a little kid. After sensing a strong presence of the Force with the player, he takes him in as an apprentice unbeknownst to Emperor Palpatine. Why unbeknownst? Because Vader wants to overthrow the mutha' f**kin' emperor, that's why!). Then they showed a few clips from the new Clone Wars movie, which (and I know I'm gonna catch hell for this) kinda, sorta, doesn't look as cool as the one Genndy Tartakovsky did for Cartoon Network already. Still, it was cool to see some new stuff.

After that panel, we caught another installment of Entertainment Weekly's "visionaries" series. This one was equally awesome because it involved filmmakers. The panel included Kevin Smith, Judd Apatow, Zack Snyder, and Frank Miller (yet another deuce-droppingly cool lineup, eh?) Though it was cool to see Frank Miller, he appeared like he didn't want to be there too much (Like, duh. He's making his first movie ever. They shoulda had Guillermo Del Toro. That would have kicked ass). I think the best part of this panel was when Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow made fun of each other, blatantly spurning "PG-13" atmosphere that the convention tried so hard to preserve. This served as a warm up for the next panel, which belonged to Kevin Smith and the cast of his upcoming flick Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, Justin Long, Jason Mewes, Traci Lords, Katie Morgan, Ricky Mabe, and producer Scott Mosier). Again, they were damned hilarious, and the clips of the movie were pretty good as well (my personal fave was one where Justin Long makes out with Brandon Routh. Not because I'm a homo or anything, but it was pretty funny to see Superman make out with a Mac). All in all, these two panels kind of made me like Kevin Smith again, despite the shit brick that is Jersey Girl.

I'd go on, but I feel that Saturday and Sunday deserve a post dedicated solely to them. Those were the days when shit got real....

Oh, and we did take many pictures, but they were with Kodak disposables. I apologize for the lack of visual stimulation within my blogs. When I get them developed, I'll throw them up here.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 1)

I'm going to be honest with you all. It is not possible for me to properly express the affect that attending the San Diego Comic-Con has had on me. At times like these, I wish that I was either a professional journalist or William Shakespeare so that I could fully utilize the power of prose to paint a vivid picture of what I have seen and heard during my time here. So before I go into this, know that the reality of Comic-Con is twenty-seven trillion times more amazing than the paltry scribblings found here.

The sheer amount of bodies was the first thing that Sheree and I noticed as we made our way to the San Diego convention center. Within the pulsing crowd, pretty much every character from every comic book, movie, TV show, video game, and anime series could be found. And as if this wasn't enough of an assault to the senses, we entered the vast geekdom of the exhibition hall. The only way I can even come close to describing the synapses and images that were being fired into my brain at many gigabytes per second is this: Imagine an enclosed space the size of three city blocks packed full of everything that you ever thought was cool in your whole life. Every major movie, comic book, TV, and video game company was present, and best of all, they handed out tons and tons of free crap. Sheree and I just kind of stood in awe of the sights and sounds that were constantly assaulting our fragile senses. After some time, we went upstairs to watch the pilot of J.J. Abrams' new show called Fringe, which looked okay, but the principle of seeing a TV show that isn't going to air until September was pretty awesome.

And thus concluded Wednesday, otherwise known as Preview Night.

On Thursday, Comic-Con officially kicked off. Now, each day at Comic-Con is packed with panels, previews, fan group meetings, and spotlights. They've got about fifteen rooms that each have full programming schedules that last from 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM. So it's important that you plan your day out to maximize your chances of seeing cool stuff. Our day consisted of seeing a preview panel for the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still and Max Payne, followed by another panel for Push (some hack-job movie about psychic soldiers), Knowing (Alex Proyas' new flick about Nic Cage and disaster predictions), and Twilight (the adaptation of Stephanie Meyers' teen vampire book). Here's my critical analysis of what we saw: The Day the Earth Stood Still looks really dumb. It was cool to see Keanu Reeves, but he too is a really dumb guy. Jennifer Connelly managed to address her questions like a normal person, but Mr. Reeves had a tough time explaining what it was like to play an alien who's taken a human body ("It was like, uh, when I looked out of his eyes, I was like, looking out" his exact words. No joke). Overall, not so impressive. The Max Payne panel was much more entertaining. Mark Wahlberg was hilarious, and Mila Kunis was smokin' hot. Ludacris was awesome too. Plus, the footage they showed made me really excited to see the movie. After these two panels, we sat through one for Push, which looked pretty dumb too. The panel was kinda cool (Chris "Human Torch" Evans and Djimon "Blood Diamond" Hounsou were pretty entertaining). Then they brought out Alex Proyas (he directed The Crow, Dark City, and I, Robot) who has some disaster movie with Nicolas Cage called Knowing coming out. The movie looked okay, but I dunno.
The most surprising panel of all was for Twilight. There were a billion screaming teenage girls who were going nuts and all, but most of the cast seemed like they were either drunk or coked out of their minds. It was all very odd, and seeing them twerp it up on stage made me want to not see the movie.
When this concluded, we headed upstairs to see one of the Entertainment Weekly "Visionaries" panels. This particular one involved comic book writers/artists. Let me just give you the panel lineup, and we'll see how fast you crap your pants: Jim Lee, Mike Mignola, Grant Morrison, John Cassaday, Robert Kirkman, Matt Fraction, and Colleen Doran. All of them, in the same room, talking about how comics are awesome. On the negative side, Mike Mignola seemed like kind of an ass, which made me feel bad because Hellboy is so freaking awesome. But Robert Kirkman (he wrote the excellent Walking Dead series), Grant Morrison, Jim Lee, and John Cassaday (he draws Astonishing X-Men) were really pleasant and had some good stuff to say. The whole thing just made me feel happy in my heart.
After this, we made another trip down to the exhibition hall, and there was much rejoicing.

And thus concluded Thursday, otherwise known as day 1 of Comic-Con International.

To be continued with days 2, 3, and 4....

Only a Fortnight's Time!

It looks like it's been just about a month since I last left y'all with a mindblowing nugget of self-indulgent pop culture criticism or even a convoluted and overspecific "top 10" list. Just how in the hell have you all survived?

Sheree and I are getting married in about two weeks. Before I say anything else, I want you all to know that I am extremely excited for the actual wedding day. It's going to be so awesome that I can hardly stand it. But, in order to get to the extremely awesome wedding day, preparations have had to be made. Now, contrary to the way wedding planning goes in the movies, it takes a long time and everything about it is the worst thing in the world. I think that we're pretty much good to go at this point, save a few minor details that have to be arranged before July 18. It's going to be fun to see how everything meshes together, and it will be excellent to have these preparation pains behind us so that we can enjoy the married life among peace, quiet, and good tilled earth.

Now, for the sake of my own feelings of nostalgia about the time Sheree and I have spent together, I'd like to recount some cool moments that we have experienced:

1. So, there was this one time when we went to see The Strokes at In The Venue (which is a crappy name for a venue, bee-tee-doubleyou). On our way to Salt Lake City, a blue pickup truck spun out of control while trying to exit on to the I-215 belt route. Using my superior reflexes, I was able to dodge the oncoming vehicle, and get us safely to see one of the greatest bands in the world rock our socks off (side note: at this particular concert, The Strokes performed a cover of Lou Reed's "Take A Walk on the Wildside." Not a dry eye in the house). After the show, we walked back to my trusty VW Jetta that was docked within the bowels of Gateway Mall's parking garage, and we passed a vehicle in witch two people (or I guess it could have been one person) were copulating. It was a hell of a night.

2. Our first conversation was pretty awesome as well. It was many a year ago, in our History of Rock 'N Roll class. I noticed Sheree's amazing magenta hair and said to myself, "Wow. She's pretty much awesome." I spent most of the class thinking of something cool to say to her, but all I could come up with was, "So...how'd you get your hair that color?" Luckily, Sheree was a pretty accomplished conversationalist, and we talked about everything from John Hughes movies to the Utah Jazz while we walked to our next classes. It was this conversation that allowed Sheree to creep into my mind as one of the most fascinating people that I had ever met, which has been responsible for our continued and spine-crushingly cool relationship.

3. The first movies that we watched together helped forge us into the solid union that we are today. On our second date, we went to see The Incredibles. A short while later, I brought Kill Bill Vol. 1 over to watch on her couch. I did this because I knew that I'd have to bring Kill Bill Vol. 2 over the next night, so's we could continue getting makey-outey on her couch.
Our first full-blown movie marathon involved the Scream trilogy, a six pack of apple beer, and a chicken pesto pizza from Pier 49.
Around Christmas time, IFC was having a "very Freddy Christmas" and was showing A Nightmare on Elm Street followed by Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which we also beheld. Subsequent Christmases were dedicated to White Christmas, which is more appropriate. On New Year's, we were both in the mood to chill out rather than go down town. So we got some chips and sodas together, and we rang in the new year with a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
And let's not forget that during the midnight showing of Batman Begins, I asked Sheree to be my wife. Now, our wedding date will coincide with the release of The Dark Knight. Here's to the movies, babe.

I could go on and on about how awesome Sheree is, and how much fun we are going to have as swinging newlyweds, but I'll close up for now. 7-18-08! Awwwww yeeeaaah.

Attack of the Alphabet!

A-Attached or single: Attached. Though I consider myself more of an attache.
B-BFF: Sheree. She's so hot right now.
C-Cake or pie: I think i'll have to side with pie, mainly because of the pecan/pumpkin variety.
D-Day: Yes, it is.
E-Essential item: My Batman watch. The grappling hook has gotten me out of many a tight spot.
F-Favorite color: Red?
G-Gummy bears or worms: Worms. They were instrumental in getting me to stop eating real worms.
H-Home town: The Riverton.
I-Indulgences: Comic books, Chik-Fil-A, and calligraphy.
J-January or July: July. It's going to be a good one.
K-Kids: Baby goats.
L-Life is incomplete without: Sheree.
M-Marriage date: July 18, 2008! That's why July's going to be a good one!
N-Number of siblings: 3. They're my older brothers.
O-Oranges or apples: I like oranges. After you eat one, your hands smell all orangey.
P-Phobias or fears: Cylon tricks, chainsaw-wielding serial murderers, lobotomies, the cave people from The Descent, and leprosy.
Q-Quote: "The Dude abides." --The Big Lebowski
R-Reason to smile: I have all of my limbs.
S-Season: Autumn. It's all about my birthday, Halloween, and Thanksgiving.
T-Tag three: No! Well, everyone I would tag has been tagged.
U-Unknown fact about me: I cannot be harmed by conventional weapons.
V-Vegetarian or oppressor of animals: Oppressor! I can't get enough of their tasty innards.
W-Worst habit: Eating animal innards.
X-X-rays or ultrasounds: Aren't they like, the same thing?
Y-Your favorite food: Pasta, pot-stickers, a good burger, and cheesecake.
Z-Zodiac sign: Libra