A Weird Picture, My Final Paper, and Two Things That Bug Me About Rolling Stone Magazine

I've just finished a draft of a seven page paper on Mikhail Bulgakov's novel The Master and Margarita (see Sheree's blog for a picture of Behemoth the Cat wielding a machine gun, a scene from the aforementioned Russian novel). It's for my 20th Century Russian Literature class, which has been kicking my ass pretty hardcore. So, since I'm in a complainey-type mood at the moment, I'm going to bitch about a few things.
First, I hate it when new bands get pigeonholed by critics as the modern version of an older band (Rolling Stone is notorious for doing this). For example, if someone says to me, "The Silversun Pickups are like the next Smashing Pumpkins" I'd headbutt that person in the face, hopefully driving their septum directly into their brain. This phenomena irks me for two reasons: 1) The Smashing Pumpkins are still around! They are the next Smashing Pumpkins because they have always been the Smashing Pumpkins! 2) Even if the band under comparison is not around anymore, it's not cool to say, "This band sounds like the Pixies, hence they are the next Pixies," because that automatically limits the band in question to one type of sound. I call bullshit on that! Though I enjoy trying to discern a new band's influences when I listen to their stuff, I'm not about to up and insult them by saying, "They sound like a band that came before them, but haven't been able to transcend what said past band did for the world of Rock and/or Roll, so we'll just call them a modern version of said past band." And you wanna know why I wouldn't do this? Because I kick ass and take names on a regular basis, that's why!
Second, mentioning Rolling Stone magazine got me thinking of how much I'm pissed at their shenanigans. I mean, I'm down with the liberal mentality. I believe in a person's right to live his/her life however he/she wants to. I do not believe in anything that seeks to put others at a disadvantage because of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. That being said, it drives me nuts that Rolling Stone magazine has positioned itself on a platform of "liberal journalism." Why? Because Rolling Stone magazine knows that right now, on college campuses around the nation, it's cool to hate Wal-Mart and President Bush. Rolling Stone magazine knows that right now, gay rights and Stephen Colbert are cool. That's it. All of the magazine's liberal posturing is spawned from a desire to be considered cool by the burgeoning hipster intellectuals of America. Oh, and to make a lot of money. This brings us to the core of my pissedness at Rolling Stone: It portrays itself as this mecca of inclusion and tolerance, but it only includes and champions that which society has deemed cool (homosexuality is cool, democrats are cool, veganism is cool, Eddie Vedder and his ugly ass beard are cool, etc.) while excluding that which society has deemed uncool (Wal-Mart is uncool, ultra-conservative Christians are uncool, censorship is uncool, etc.). For example, last month's issue ran an article about Mitt Romney titled, Mitt Romney: The Huckster. In this article, Romney's religion was brought up as a negative: "Once you've heard this kind of drivel enough times, it's not hard to see how this flag-waving conservative actually won the governorship in Ted Kennedy's home state, or propelled his Mormon magic-underwear-wearing self to near-front-runner status in a party that is overwhelmingly, intolerantly Christian" (Courtesy of Matt Taibbi, RS Oct 2007). So here's Rolling Stone, a magazine that's all about respecting the beautiful rainbow of diversity, bashing a presidential candidate because he's Mormon/Christian. And why is it okay to bash Mormons/Christians? Because society has deemed such groups as uncool, and it's okay to be intolerant of the uncool. Frakkin' ridiculous (BSG kicks ass).

Okay, I'm going to finish this rant for now because it's getting pretty long, but I will kill again.

Not What You're Like, But What You Like

I remember writing something earlier about how I was going to explain how High Fidelity ruined its potential to be a perfect film. Most of these flaws come from uninspired changes to Nick Hornby's book, and others are just flaws that come with bad choices when making a movie. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it, because otherwise this rant won't be as cool.
My main gripe with the movie adaptation was the character of Laura (played in the film by Iben Hjejle). In the book, Laura was more of a sympathetic character and you could understand her perspective on the crumbling relationship she had with Rob (John Cusack). Movie Laura was really unlikable. This made the movie's plot (which revolves around Rob's and Laura's complicated relationship) difficult to swallow. If Laura comes off as icy and shallow, it's difficult to understand why Rob wants her back so much (personally, I would have liked the movie more if Rob ended up with Marie DeSalle). Book Laura was the kind of person you'd feel completely lost without, and you were kinda pissed at Rob for not seeing this earlier. Not so much in the movie, where you're pissed at Rob for not forgetting about her real quick. So, gripe #1: Movie Laura is a jerk.
The other gripes I have about this movie are pretty much superficial, but they did have quite an impact on how I saw the film after reading the book. One such gripe is the part in which Rob is asking Barry (Jack Black) whether or not his saying "I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet" denotes a desire to see the movie (a hypothetical experiment he is inspired to conduct after being told by Laura that she hasn't had sex with her rebound boyfriend Ian (Tim Robbins) yet). It's a valid question and all, but it's Barry's response that irks me. He's not exactly following Rob's train of thought, so he tells him that anyone would want to see it because "it's so funny, and violent, and the soundtrack kicks ass..." Though Evil Dead 2 is funny and violent, it's soundtrack is just moody, atmospheric horror stuff. This response puzzled me for years until I finally read the book. In the book, Rob asks Barry the same question, but instead of Evil Dead 2, it's Reservoir Dogs. Now the whole discourse makes sense to me. Reservoir Dogs is funny, is violent, and its soundtrack does kick ass. So my question is this: Why change this conversation at all? Or, if you were going to change it, why leave the bit about the soundtrack in? In a movie/book that is largely punctuated by pop culture references, this travesty should not have happened. Gripe #2: Why?









My last gripe is in regards to Rob's stupid hairdo. This one is pretty self-explanatory; Rob's hair has that Boris Karloff Frankenstein's monster thing going on, much akin to Wayne Campbell when he's not wearing his Wayne's World cap. Normally a bad hairdo doesn't affect a movie's watchability, but in this case it's that bad. My visualization of Rob Gordon that I made when I was reading the book had much cooler hair. Gripe #3: Stupid Frankenstein hair (see Sheree's blog for a sweet exposition of this anomaly).
That's about it. If Mr. Stephen Frears took these things into consideration, I think High Fidelity would have been perfect. His casting of Jack Black and Todd Louiso as Rob's snobby clerks Barry and Dick? Perfect. His decision to change the location from London to Chicago? Nice. Marie DeSalle played by Lisa Bonet, who is hot(Lili Taylor and Catherine Zeta Jones were great in their roles as well) ? Very nice. The scene where Rob visualizes all of the different ways he'd like to respond to Ian's conflict resolution, especially the one where he knocks his teeth out with the phone and Dick drops a TV on his head? Priceless. If only Laura wasn't so lame, the Reservoir Dogs/Evil Dead 2 thing was sorted out, and Rob's hair wasn't so freakish, it would be one of the greatest movies of all time.

What Kind of a Hipster am I?

Sheree found this cool quiz that I'm going to take now. Let's see how cool the both of us are!

If you had to choose:

1. Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly? Gene Kelly. Wasn't he in Singin' in the Rain? That movie was cool.
2. The Great Gatsby or The Sun Also Rises? The Sun Also Rises.
3. Count Basie or Duke Ellington? Count Basie, for he is friends with Count Blogula.
4. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I'd like a beagle someday. I'd name him Ajax.
5. Matisse or Picasso? I'm gonna go with Picasso.
6. Yeats or Eliot? Eliot. It's not his fault Cats was so...disturbing.
7. Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin? Buster Keaton. Wait...yeah.
8. The Who or the Stones? The Stones. Hey, I just realized that I've seen both of these bands live! I'm cool!
9. Trollope or Dickens? Dickens, cuz I don't know who Trollope is. Sounds like a tasty, cream-filled dessert.
10. Billie Holiday or Ella Fitzgerald? Billie Holiday.
11. Dostoyevsky or Tolstoy? Dostoyevsky. Screw War and Peace.
12. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Burgers. Especially those of the In&Out/Acme Burger variety.
13. Letterman or Leno? Letterman. I impersonated him for my fifth grade talent show.
14. Wilco or Cat Power? Cat Power. I just haven't been able to get into Wilco.
15. Grace Kelly or Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn Monroe.
16. Bill Monroe or Johnny Cash? Johnny Cash. Who is Bill Monroe, and why is he being compared to Johnny Cash? Why not Waylon Jennings or something.
17. Robert Mitchum or Marlon Brando? Marlon Brando, although I do not respect the way he let himself get all inflated.
18. Vermeer or Rembrandt? Rembrandt.
19. Grosse Pointe Blank or High Fidelity? Grosse Point Blank. High Fidelity was almost the perfect movie, but it made a few tragically critical mistakes. I'll write a post about this one.
20. Comedy or tragedy? If we're talking about Shakespeare, I prefer his tragedies. I guess overall I like tragedies. I'm morbid.
21. Fall or spring? Fall. That's when my birthday is, plus Halloween and Thanksgiving are great too. Today's Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving!
22. The Sopranos or The Simpsons? The Simpsons. Best...show...ever.
23. Rodgers and Hart or Gershwin and Gershwin? Gershwin and Gershwin.
24. Joseph Conrad or Henry James? Conrad. Heart of Darkness is one of the best books ever written, and it's in the guy's like, third language.
25. Sunset or sunrise? Sunset. That's when the magic happens.
26. Johnny Mercer or Cole Porter? Johnny Mercer. Read 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.' You'll understand.
27. Mac or PC? Mac, cuz I'm writing this on a mac, and macs are cool.
28. New York or Los Angeles? I guess New York. The dudes on Entourage say that the pizza is much better in New York.
29. Stax or Motown? Stax. Thank you, history of rock n' roll class.
30. Van Gogh or Gauguin? Van Gogh. Cutting off your own ear shows commitment.
31. Steely Dan or Elvis Costello? Elvis Costello.
32. Reading a blog or reading a magazine? Magazine. I like to hold onto what I'm reading.
33. Chinatown or Bonnie and Clyde? Bonnie and Clyde. It's a cool story.
34. Ghost World or Election? Ghost World. Election was kinda lame, plus Ghost World had that awesome mullet guy.
35. Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny? Daffy. Bugs is freakin' sellout.
36. Modernism or postmodernism? Postmodernism. The end is near.
37. Batman or Spider-Man? Batman all the way. I would love to see Batman kick Spider-Man in the chest.
38. Jane Austen or Virginia Woolf? I'll say Jane Austen. Virginia Woolf looks like an ugly Nicole Kidman.
39. The Honeymooners or The Dick Van Dyke Show? Honeymooners.
40. Out of the Past or Double Indemnity? Double Indemnity. I like seeing Fred MacMurray do evil.
41. Blue or green? Blue's pretty cool.
42. A Midsummer Night’s Dream or As You Like It? I knew we were talking about Shakespeare! I choose A Midsummer Night's Dream.
43. Ballet or opera? Ooh. Ballet?
44. Film or live theater? Moviefilms.
45. Acoustic or electric? Electric. Always electric.
46. The Music Man or Oklahoma? Oklahoma, since it served as the inspiration for 'Cannibal: The Musical.'
47. Sushi, yes or no? Yes, but only under certain circumstances. Like, I don't like it when people put 'going to get sushi' on par with 'going to the movies,' or when yuppies meet at sushi bars to discuss yuppie things.
48. Tennessee Williams or Edward Albee? Tennessee Williams. Streetcar is dope.
49. Frank Lloyd Wright or Mies van der Rohe? Mies. Yup.
50. Diana Krall or Norah Jones? Norah Jones.
51. Watercolor or pastel? Pastel. Watercolor is so kindergarten.
52. Crunchy or smooth peanut butter? Smooth. What if those crunchies are bugs?
53. Willa Cather or Theodore Dreiser? Willa Cather.
54. The Fifties or the Twenties? Twenties.
55. Huckleberry Finn or Moby-Dick? Huck Finn.
56. Thomas Mann or James Joyce? Joyce. I think I'm gonna read Ulysses someday.
57. Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman? Whitman.
58. Abraham Lincoln or Winston Churchill? Lincoln. I ain't no Brit!
59. Italian or French cooking? Italian.
60. Anchovies, yes or no? Never had them. Overall, I'd say no, but I'm not opposed to trying them once before I die.
61. Short novels or long ones? Long ones.
62. Swing or bebop? Bebop, especially when he fights ninja turtles with Rocksteady.

Nice! I totally finished this quiz. I'd also like to point out that I've been watching A Scanner Darkly (that I purchased with L.A. Confidential in an excellent two for ten dollars deal at Peterson's) and it's a total mindfudge.

Freud vs. Horror Movies

As the (belated) 4th Annual Halloweenie Roast draws near, I feel that it is important that we delve into the list of moviefilms that will be featured this year. The inspiration for this list came from an essay by a dude named Stephen Schneider called Monsters as (Uncanny) Metaphors. In this essay, Schneider has generated a list of "surmounted beliefs" that was set up by Freud and later by Lakoff that have inspired modern movie monsters (alliteration sometimes kicks ass). Here goes:

1. Surmounted beliefs that the dead can return to life (dead bodies and evil spirits)
2. Surmounted beliefs in the omnipotence of thought (that's telekinesis, Kyle)
3. Surmounted beliefs in the existence of a double (robots and schizophrenics)

In order to properly exhibit Freud's observation, the following films will be ingested over a period of twelve hours (if we can make it that long):

1a. DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)
This was a fairly obvious choice, seeing as how zombies are the ultimate example of the dead returning to life. And for all y'all who are all, "The 1978 one was superior," I beg to differ. Although I liked the original, and I won't say that the remake is better, I will say that the remake is cooler.
I mean, the opening credits alone are freaking amazing.

1b. FALLEN
In addition to dead bodies returning to life, evil spirits and possession fit into this category. Not to mention that this movie is freaking awesome. Whenever you hear "Time Is On My Side" by the Rolling Stones after seeing this movie, you'll be watching your back.

2a. SCANNERS
I haven't seen this movie before, but I hear that it's about folks who make other folks' heads explode with their mind powers. Sounds great.

2b. CARRIE
Here is another film that I haven't gotten around to watching. Again, we have some telekinesis that is applied liberally. And now that I'm writing this, I remember seeing bits and pieces of The Rage: Carrie 2 and wanting to gouge out my eyes with a corkscrew. Hopefully the first one won't inspire a similar reaction.




3a. TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Alex, how does this apply to a fear of doubles?" And here is my reply: "You see, robots that look like people are scary because maybe somewhere out there someone has made a robot copy of you. And let's not forget the T-1000 who can shapeshift and become a copy of you right before he stabs you with a blade." Does that answer your make-believe question? Good.

3b. EVENT HORIZON
Now here you're probably all, "Wait. I now understand the Terminator thing, but this? No way." "Yes way," I reply calmly, "because doubles can also exist inside our own minds. When this happens to a person, it is called schi-zo-phre-ni-a (ski-tso-fre-ni-a). In Event Horizon, some people succumb to this horrifying malady, and are therefore doubles of themselves."
"Interesting..." You say, clearly convinced of the argument's brilliance, "Now, what's to be done about this ski...schi... what was it called again?"
"Schizophrenia."
"Yes. What's to be done, and am I at risk?"
"Luckily, schizophrenia is quite commonly dealt with by professionals on a daily basis, and as for yourself, I would like to reassure you by saying that schizophrenia only happens when someone has been through a large amount of psychological trauma, like having a watermelon dropped on your head or watching The Rage: Carrie 2."
"Whew. Now that is a load off. Praise be unto your mighty genius."
"Why thank you. I...Oh! I seem to have trailed off. I hope that those of you who dare witness the unnatural mutation of Freud, Lakoff, and six horror movies enjoy yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Sometimes, You Just Can't Keep it in: The Origin of the Halloweenie Roast

Hello again, loyal readers. I thought this was an accurate portrayal of how one feels after Halloween is through. October was a crazy month for this guy. I hit up Disneyland with my lady (and her family, who was kind enough to take me along), spelunked into the dark depths of Vegoose (see previous post, if you dare), and had a shit load of homework to do.
So, because it's tradition and all, the 4th Annual Halloweenie Roast will be taking place next week at my house. I'll post a list of movies on the menu in a few days (I still don't have my snobby choices finalized), but for now, let me explain the origins of this unholy rite.
It all started four years ago in the cursed realm of Makeevka, Ukraine. I had about two months before I headed home, so I wanted to leave a legacy of sorts. I got the awesome idea to get my English class as well as the LDS youth around to go out into the woods with me and the other missionaries so we could scare the crap out of them. On the outskirts of said woods, we found a ruined church that was downright horrifying. There were paintings of Bible stories right up on the walls, but all of the characters had their eyes scratched out. The roof was caved in, and the floor was covered in rubble and assorted debris. It had obviously been the scene of many drug deals and voodoo rituals (the photograph carefully placed into a pile of poo gave me this impression).
We had about a week to get it all ready, but we owned it. I'm talkin' robot costumes made out of boxes and tinfoil, old gas masks, and whatever other junk we could find. Once Halloween rolled around we were ready to rock. As soon the other missionaries were in place, we escorted a large group of Ukrainian folks out into our nightmare (think AF's Haunted Forest, but worse).
When our group of victims was successfully led through the woods (there were some priceless moments. Those Ukrainians weren't used to regular spook alleys.) we broke out the hot dogs and had a cookout. Hence, the birth of the first annual Halloweenie Roast.
I've been keeping this tradition up since I've been back (but instead of going out in the woods, we watch a lot of horror movies while we eat our hot dogs), because when you mix horror movies and hot dogs, miracles can happen.

Satanists and Robots Assault Vegoose '07

This past weekend I was privileged to get my socks rocked off by some of the most ass-kicking bands around. I was also privileged to see the gaggle of Las Vegas freaky freakies who came out to pay tribute to the pantheon of rock gods that called down fire and brimstone with their furious rock-on-itude. Since it's tough to describe exactly what the crowd looked like with wordses, have a look at this:
Boy, that doesn't even do it justice.
Anywho, I wanna get more into who I saw and how they ranked on the Awesometer, so here goes.
DAY 1, 12:45 PM
Gogol Bordello: I've just recently started to listen to these self-proclaimed Gypsy Punks, and they are completely nuts. As soon as I heard their album "Super Taranta!" I thought to myself, "I bet these guys kick ass live," and I was totally right. Onstage, this eight-piece force of nature was a riot. Frontman Eugene Hutz channeled generations of archaic gypsy energy and sent it spinning into the crowd, not to mention the furious fiddlin' of The Sergey (who was good enough to let me take a picture with him). The highlight of their act came right before their performance of "Start Wearing Purple" when a barechested Hutz poured the bottle of wine he'd been nursing all over himself, effectively wearing some purple of his own.
DAY 1, 2:00 PM
Mastodon: Before Vegoose, I wasn't super familiar with this band. I'd heard about their album that was an adaptation of Moby Dick and I thought that they had a cool name, so I went to check them out. My verdict? Not bad. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of this type of music (the Ozzfest heavy metal throat grumbly stuff), but they were decent enough to check out.
DAY 1, 5:00 PM
Cypress Hill/Public Enemy: I'm going to say right off the bat that I really hate rap music. So I walked back and forth between the Double Down stage and the Jokers Wild stage to see these two groups, who I actually kinda like despite my poor opinion of their genre. Cypress Hill rapped about getting high (no surprise) and Public Enemy's Flava Flav led the audience in cheering "Fuck George Bush!" which was well-received by all.
DAY 1, 6:00 PM
The Shins: I'm not the biggest fan of this band, and I think they're just a touch overrated, but to their credit, they put on a good show. In the spirit of Halloween, the took the stage dressed like undead Spanish Inquisitors. I enjoyed their setlist, and even more intriguing was their decision to communicate with the audience with Ringwraith-like shrieks and hisses instead of regular talk. Nice!

DAY 1, 7:30 PM
Queens of the Stone Age: Remember back when I said I wasn't the biggest fan of Mastodon-esque metal? Well I am a huge fan of QOTSA-esque metal. These guys cut into their instruments like surgeons and the diagnosis? BADASS! Lead vocalist Josh Homme prefaced each song with a shout out to all the fine ladies and ended their set by discouraging people from riding the ferris wheel and encouraging people to ride each other. Class mutha effin' act.
DAY 1, 8:15-10:15 PM
Iggy Pop and the Stooges/Thievery Corporation: At this point there was a lull in my Vegoose enthusiasm. I sauntered over to the Snake Eyes stage to see Iggy and his boys do "I Wanna Be Your Dog," but that was about all I could handle. While waiting for the final act, I plopped my butt down to listen to the smooth sounds of Thievery Corporation. I recognized "Lebanese Blonde" from the Garden State soundtrack, and all of their other stuff was rad; complete with the occasional belly dancer.
DAY 1, 10:15 PM
Daft Punk: When I was in high school, I listened to their album "Homework" quite a bit (as did everyone else in the world at that time) and after seeing them do their robo-light show live, I realized just how awesome these French techno-spinners actually are. They materialized onstage in a giant pyramid, started rocking out, and just didn't stop. The show got better and better and better until I thought my brain was going to liquify.

DAY 2, 3:00 PM
Ghostland Observatory/Infected Mushroom: One of the best things about going to a music festival such as this is the opportunity to be exposed to bands you've never heard of. Sometimes it sucks and you get pissed, but other times it's awesome and you get stoked. Both of these bands fell into the latter category. Ghostland's frontman Aaron Behrens gyrated like a cobra under a snakecharmer's spell, and cursed the "demon" sun for draining all of his energy. Afterwards, Infected Mushroom busted out some wicked rock/techno stuff that reminded me of LCD Soundsystem. I was very impressed with both of these groups, and can't wait to add them as friends on MySpace.
DAY 2, 6:30 PM
Muse: I've always liked Muse. I can't put my finger on why, but they've got a very unique sound, and their guitar section is mindblowing. If I'm ever traveling through space, I'd like to have some Muse playing in the background. Anywho, these wily brits got the crowd totally warmed up for the final act, shot confetti all over the place, and cranked out an awesome cover of Nina Simone's "Feeling Good." Oh, and their drummer was dressed up like Spider-Man.

DAY 2, 9:00 PM
Rage Against the Machine: As I said above, Muse prepped the crowd very well for the anticipated performance by the Lords of all Ass-Kicking, and I managed to weasel my way up to the front of the crowd before Rage went on. Now, I'm not much of a mosh-pit fixture, nor do I like it when legions of sweaty freaks constantly rub up on me, so by the time Rage was halfway through "Bulls On Parade," I knew that I was in trouble. So, I weaseled my way to the back, bought myself some lemonade, and enjoyed the show from a safe distance. They wrapped up the show amazingly, and I'm pretty sure all the mounted cops were around just in case some total chaos broke out (it was just partial chaos, so everybody was okay).
In The End: As we drove back to our homes in Salt Lake City, it was tough to believe that it all really happened. Two days spent with some amazing music and some genuine cave people just doesn't seem like it can take place. But it did, and it was barf-inducingly radical.

Everyone Loves an Amnesiac

After watching all three Bourne movies, I thought to myself “Self, I like watching amnesiacs struggle with the cruel hand that fate has dealt them. And if they manage to cap a few fools along the way, I’m not going to complain.” Upon having this
realization, I began to think of the many other amnesiacs that I know and love. If only they could remember who I am…


1. Clementine Kruczynski and Joel Barish (Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Not only is this a tale of voluntary lacunar amnesia (on par with a night of heavy drinking), it happens to be one of the greatest love stories of all time. Despite the fact that Joel and Clementine have erased one another from each other’s mind, they still manage to meet up and (hopefully) work it all out. Even amnesia can’t stop two people from being in love. It’s just so cute.
Amnesiawesome: In an attempt to save his memory of Clementine, Joel finds her and attempts to hide her in the parts of his mind that are reserved for personal shame and humiliation. It takes a lot of love to bring someone into those dark and painful mental regions, that’s for sure.

2. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon), The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum: My man Jason Bourne. I can safely say that I love the guy. Even though he’s killed countless people and could do me in with a Bic pen, I just really hope he gets his life sorted out.
Amnesiawesome: After finding out about his first mission (the one that involved killing a married couple and making it look like the killed themselves), Bourne tracks down their daughter and explains what happened. Sure, the guy can tangle with the most deadly of assassins, but it’s these moments of integrity that make him heroic.

3. River Tam (Summer Glau): Like Jason Bourne, River is a government-engineered weapon whose mind has been fractured by needles and experiments. Her brother Simon the doctor kidnapped her and smuggled her aboard Serenity in hopes to get her away from the ever-pursuant Alliance. While on the ship, she talks all kinds of scary nonsense and surprises everyone when an animated Japanese octopus triggers her into kicking the crap out of a whole bar full of people. Badaaasss.
Amnesiawesome: Within the first half hour of Serenity, the crew is chased out of a backwater town by the cannibalistic and scary-as-hell Reavers. After watching Mal (Nathan Fillion) shoot a townsfolk to save him from being eaten alive and seeing Jayne (Adam Baldwin) get harpooned through the leg, the first thing that River says upon reaching the safety of their ship? “I swallowed a bug.”

4. Sammy Jankis (Guy Pearce), Memento: It’s been awhile since I’ve watched this flick, but I do remember how intense it was to watch Sammy tattoo clues on his body and leave himself reminders everywhere. Honestly, this one hurt my head pretty badly. But I’ll be okay.
Amnesiawesome: After we find out that Carrie-Anne Moss (I forget her character’s name. How ironic!) is evil, we watch as she confesses her evil intentions, leaves the house, and returns five minutes later. Due to Sammy's regrettable condition, he still thinks she's okay. What a total bee-yotch.

5. Rita/Camilla Rhodes (Laura Elena Harding), Mulholland Drive: In Lost Highway, David Lynch was toying with the idea of what smartfolk call a dissociative fugue, which is when a person mentally erases their own identity and recreates another one due to some kind of trauma or psychosis. Rita in Mulholland Drive may or may not be suffering from some sort of “fugue” syndrome. It took me exactly sixteen hours to get that far in my interpretation of this movie.
Amnesiawesome: No, it’s not the girl on girl love scene. Pervs. It’s when Rita and Betty (Naomi Watts) visit the strange nightclub Silencio. It appears to be a halfway point between the mental worlds that Rita and Betty inhabit while living in the crazy city of L.A. And I thought Rebekah Del Rio’s Spanish version of “Cryin’ Over You” by Roy Orbison was a tear jerker.


6. John Murdoch (Rufus Sewell), Dark City: Unlike the other members of this list, John Murdoch has amnesia because of alien parasites. He lives in a city that is controlled by the Strangers (the aforementioned alien parasites), who conduct mind experiments on the city’s inhabitants. Murdoch wakes up in a bathtub with no memory of who he was because all of his memories have been extracted from his brain via creepy syringe by Dr. Schreber (Kiefer Sutherland). Long story short, he learns how to use the Strangers’ powers against them, does mighty battle with their leader, and recreates the city in a more sunny and happy image.
Amnesiawesome: Though it appears that Mr. Murdoch is about to be killed by the Strangers, Dr. Schreber sneakily injects his brain with the know-how to use their alien captors’ telekinetic powers against them. Afterwards, an all out mental apocalypse takes place as John and Mr. Book shoot telekinetic bolts at one another. Mental Apocalypse would be a good band name.


7. Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman), X-Men: Before I start, I’d just like to say that Brett Rattner has screwed this franchise. Anywho, Wolverine got amnesia because of government experiments too (that’s three!). The reason he gets to be in his own category is because he’s a mutant and the experiment involved lacing his skeleton with unbreakable adamantium steel! Not to mention that when he starts having flashbacks of his torturous ordeal, he usually freaks out and kicks some ass.
Amnesiawesome: Honestly, when isn’t Wolverine doing something awesome? He’s either going berserk on soldiers or trying to steal Jean Grey away from dorky Cyclops.