COUNT BLOGULA

Stupid Games

2012-01-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

I found these two games that you can play online, and thought they were pretty hilarious. Unfortunately, they're also extremely aggravating. How I played so much NES is beyond me.

http://hatsproductions.com/organtrail.html

http://abobosbigadventure.com/fullgame.php

Enjoy!

Rough All Over

2011-03-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

"I am a greaser," Sodapop chanted, "I am a JD and a hood. I blacken the name of our fair city. I beat up people. I rob gas stations. I am a menace to society. Man, do I have fun!"

1. The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

2. Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age

3. Teen Angst (What the World Needs Now) by Cracker

4. Friends by Band of Skulls

5. The Fallen by Franz Ferdinand

6. Let's Rave On by The Raveonettes

7. Fit But You Know It by The Streets

8. Honky's Ladder by The Afghan Whigs

9. Sinister Kid by The Black Keys

10. Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi (w/ MGMT & Ratatat)

11. Ain't No Friend of Mine by Mason Jennings

12. Millstone by Brand New

13. Lone Wolf by Eels

14. Ocean of Noise by Arcade Fire

15. Rock'N Roll by The Sounds

16. Right in the Head by M. Ward

17. No One Loves Me & Neither Do I by Them Crooked Vultures

18. Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed

19. You Know I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse

20. Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead

21. White Trash Heroes by Archers of Loaf

Count Blogula vs. 2010: Music

2011-01-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

I thought about putting together a list of my favorite albums of 2010, but I soon realized that my list would be the same as everybody else's list. The Black Keys, Mumford & Sons, Cee Lo Green, and a bunch of other artists put out some awesome stuff last year. I do want to make mention of Arcade Fire's epic album The Suburbs, because it was so good that I invented a rock opera in my head to go along with it. Anywho, here's a list of some great artists and their great songs that I felt needed some recognition for being cool in 2010. Have a listen, and tell me what you think.

"I Wanna Be Adored" by The Raveonettes

"The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson

"Catch a Fire" by The Bug

"Holidays" by Miami Horror

"Ambling Alp" by Yeasayer

"Threshold" by Sex Bob-Omb

"Black Sheep" by Metric

"Skin Tight" by Scissor Sisters

"When I'm Small" by Phantogram

A Nice Day For a Resurrection

2011-01-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

It's been so long that I don't even know what to write about. Do I start with my adventures in television watching with The Big Bang Theory, Dexter, and The Walking Dead? Should I explicate my journeys through the digitally rendered world of Fallout: New Vegas? Perhaps I should bring notable news from the world of comic books (I've been particularly enjoying The Stand, American Vampire, iZombie, and The Heroic Age: Avengers). Hmmm....I could also rant about my favorite albums of 2010 (Chief among them would be The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. Best. Album. Ever). And lets not forget books! I've read some good stuff, such as Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, which was a brilliant retelling of The Big Lebowski as if it was written by William Shakespeare (thanks, Sheree). I might also tell you of the fine foods that I have ingested recently. The Machine Gun sandwich from Bruges Waffles and Fries? Dynamite! And I would be greatly remiss if I neglected the fine films that I have seen (I'm having a difficult time deciding whether I liked The Social Network or Inception best....Quandary!).
I suppose I'll just dedicate one blog post apiece to each of my favorite samplings of awesome that I experienced in the last year.

Until we meet again!

Saturday Morning, Circa 1988

2010-07-07T22:11:00.001-07:00

I recently purchased an album by a band called The Go! Team called Thunder, Lightning, Strike. It's a good album, and you can hear a few songs from it courtesy of this playlist. However, when you listen to these songs, I want you to remember Saturday mornings circa 1988. I want you to remember the blurry neon colors that blasted through your pre-satellite television. I want you to remember the chatter of a spoon scraping the last of the Fruity Pebbles from the sides of your cereal bowl. I want you to remember Autobots and Decepticons, the "Sandman" story arc from Ghostbusters, and plastic action figures firing spring-loaded missiles into clear blocks that were never included with the action figure itself. I want you to remember the original Nintendo Entertainment System, and the satisfying ache that took over your thumbs after playing Contra all the way to The Red Falcon's still beating heart. I want you to remember these things while listening to these songs because, at the end of the day, it will make your soul happy.

Country Fried!

2010-06-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

Below is a heapin' helpin' of my new and improved Country Fried Playlist. Let it fill your arteries with saturated awesome.

1. Everlasting Light by The Black Keys
2. Kick Drum Heart by The Avett Brothers
3. Righteous Heart by Nathan Lawr and the Minotaurs
4. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
5. Tender by Blur
6. Jesus, Etc. by Wilco
7. Skinny Love by Bon Iver
8. Big Sur by The Thrills
9. Everybody Needs Somebody by China Forbes
10. Wildflowers by Tom Petty
11. Right Hand on My Heart by The Whigs
12. Bad Things by Jace Everett
13. A Martyr for My Love For You (Acoustic) by The White Stripes
14. Wishing Well by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
15. Tiger Tiger by The Sadies
16. Someday Baby by R.L. Burnside
17. Stick Around by Jonny Kaplan and the Lazy Stars
18. The Cave by Mumford and Sons
19. You Will Be My Ain' True Love by Alison Krauss
20. Until Morale Improves, the Beatings Will Continue by Murder By Death
21. I Don't Wanna Grow Up by Hayes Carll
22. The Mountain by Heartless Bastards
23. Sweet Jane by Cowboy Junkies
24. Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
25. Four Leaf Clover by Old 97's
26. Further On (Up the Road) by Johnny Cash
27. Jolene by The White Stripes
28. Baby I Love You by The Yayhoos
29. Timebomb by Old 97's
30. W.I.A.D.F.Y. by Elliott Brood
31. Kingdom of Doom by The Good, The Bad, & The Queen
32. Bad As They Seem by Hayden
33. I Wish My Baby Was Born by Tim Eriksen, Riley Baugus, & Tim O'Brien
34. The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash
35. Country Sweat by Oingo Boingo
36. Great High Mountain by Jack White
37. Goin' Out West by Tom Waits

COOPER: "Do you want to know why I'm whittling?"
TRUMAN: "Okay, I'll bite. Why are you whittling?"
COOPER: "Because that's what you do in a town where a yellow light still means slow down, not speed up."

"Teachers Are the Greatest Freaks On Earth" --Anne Frank

2010-03-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've spent any time on this clunky old blog of mine, but since I'm contractually obligated to be here for another ten minutes, I'm gonna let loose with a bunch of goings on that have been going on:

Created a facebook account.

Saw a car dodge a cardboard box on I-80 and crash through the median, getting tangled up in a mess of steel cables and dust (I got out of my car to assist, and everyone was okay).

Have been listening to Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity on my drive home and can now say that they are idiots for myself.

Alice in Wonderland was just okay.

Sherlock Holmes was freaking awesome.

Signed up for gamefly (it's like netflix but with video games). Rented Dante's Inferno. Do not recall a gargantuan topless Cleopatra shooting unbaptized babies out of her ta-ta's in the original story.

Musical taste has veered into alt-country folky territory (Mumford & Sons; Elliott Brood; The Avett Brothers).

Have started watching Dexter. It is very awesome. Have added Michael C. Hall to list of dudes that I have a man-crush on.

Purchased and beat Mass Effect 2, but lost three of my crew members in the process. I've never felt so emotionally distraught after a video game character dies as I did when Grunt got carried off by a pack of pissed off alien bats.

Have eaten chicken feet. I do not recommend eating chicken feet.

Am very close to wrapping up the third quarter of my first year teaching. It's gone by pretty fast, but I kind of feel like I've done a good job so far.

That should about cover it. See you in another three months, blogosphere.

Live Free and Twihard!

2009-11-24T18:06:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been pimping the soundtrack to New Moon. I am completely aware of the fact that pimping this album might make me some kind of teenage girl, but hear me out. I haven't seen the movie yet, so my judgment is based completely on the collection of songs themselves. Hopefully the movie doesn't waste such good music, but we'll see. Anywho, what follows is my breakdown of the album. Set faces for stunned.

STANDOUTS (The Ones You Need to Own):

1. Meet Me At the Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie: Few bands can express such acute thoughts about both love and nihilism in just one song. Forgoing the typical, "we're in love and everything's gonna be great" motif, Death Cab punctuates every mention of bodies intertwining with the foreboding reminder that "everything ends." It's beautiful and depressing as hell all at once.

2. Friends by Band of Skulls: I recently purchased a pretty decent album by this band (Baby Darling Doll Face Honey). They kinda sound like a British version of The White Stripes. But I digress. This song is a drunk and disorderly tribute to being irresponsible on the weekends. It's going to the top of the playlist that I'm making for my unit on The Outsiders.

3. Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke: I'm not really gonna get into how intricate and complex Thom Yorke/Radiohead's music is, because to be honest, I don't have the cognitive capacity to even go there. All I know is that Yorke makes music like nobody else, and this song is no exception.

4. Done All Wrong by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club: This is a tune in the vein of All You Do Is Talk; a blues-y slow song that drifts into your mind like a cold wind and leaves you slightly more melancholy that you were before.

5. The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf: I've never heard of this band before, but this catchy tune is definitely like the mari ju wanna (you know, like a gateway drug? Heh). I'd describe it as a punchy little number inspired by Belle and Sebastian mixed with a little bit of David Byrne. Coupled with its liberal use of body/nature metaphors, I was caught off guard by how often it pops up in my head when I'm not thinking about anything.

6. Shooting the Moon by OK Go: OK Go sets up some gnarly quirk-rock and bangs it out by beating a big ass drum. This is one I like to crank up in the car to the point where my fillings start to vibrate along with the drum beats.

7. Slow Life by Grizzly Bear: I've decided that Grizzly Bear is a band that you've got to dedicate some time and effort to. Once you've agreed to suspend your disbelief and step into their world, you find something pretty intriguing. On this track, the vocals belong to Victoria Legrand (Yeah, I don't know who that is either), and they compliment Ed Droste's (thanks, Google!) own style. It's slow, pretty, and the more you listen to it, the different musical nuances come into focus.

8. Nothing But the Wind by the Editors: At first, this song was kind of unsettling for me. It's hard to get used to the vocals. But, I gave it some heavy rotation, and it slowly became one of the coolest songs in the world. It's just a dude and his piano busting out some intensely operatic lyrics that make a person want to reinvest themselves in the fight for love!

9: All I Believe In by The Magic Numbers: This song is actually super cheesy. I mean, it even goes off on a Native American-influenced tangent! But, something about this song is charming, and I couldn't help but dig it.

FORGETTABLE (Songs One Would Expect From a Twilight Soundtrack):
I'm not gonna really go into too much detail here. This stuff is the obligatory filler between the awesome songs listed above. If the whole album was as good as the above songs, the fault lines would crack, and humanity would be pulled into a fiery maw of awesome. Or a mawesome, if you will.

1. Possibility by Lykke Li: Six-year-old, chain-smoking depressed girl song part 1.

2. A White Demon Love Song by The Killers: If this song was on "Hot Fuss," it'd be so good! Why? BECAUSE THAT WAS BEFORE THE KILLERS DECIDED TO START SUCKING!!!!

3. Satellite Heart by Anya Marina: Six-year-old, chain-smoking depressed girl song part 2.

4. I Belong to You by Muse: Muse is kind of starting to follow The Killers on their short bus to Suckville.

5. Roslyn by Bon Iver and St. Vincent: I was so very disappointed with this song. Everything on "For Emma, Forever Ago" is ten times better than this dirge.

6. Monsters by Hurricane Bells: Sheree noted that this song sounded like a Muse song. It does. They play it on a loop at a truck stop called The Suckery in a place known as Suckville.

7. Solar Midnite by Lupe Fiasco: Crap! Crappiest piece of crap that ever made its way out of Crapville, sister city to Suckville.

Even though there are seven mediocre songs (which is about half the album), the nine standouts are extremely good. That's why I'm pimping this album. At the very least, illegally download the nine good songs and pat yourself on the back for maintaining an open mind.

Kick-Ass Kicks Ass

2009-11-12T15:01:00.001-08:00

Kick-Ass

Trailer Park | MySpace Video

Convergence

2009-10-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'll cop to the fact that I've got the song "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison on my iPod. Do you wanna know why? Do ya? Well, sucker, let me tell you. When I was about 13 or 14 years old (the same age as the howlin' mad Tooele Jr. High Roadrunners that I corral day in and day out) I read a very interesting comic book. The first thing that was interesting was the fact that on the back cover of the dust jacket were the words "suggested for mature readers." The second thing that was interesting was that it was a story about Batman. The third thing that was interesting was the opening pages depicted a young boy named Amadeus taking food to his mother who subsequently vomited up a bunch of cockroaches while mumbling the words "I've eaten." There were about three hundred more interesting things that happened as I traversed my way through Grant Morrison's and Dave McKean's nightmarish graphic novel Arkham Asylum. The final pages are what sparked this entry, however. Each of Batman's psychotic rogues have little messages scrawled out at the end of the book, almost like an epilogue to the story. The one that stuck with me the most, and terrified my little 8th grade soul was this quote given by Dr. Destiny (who later became one of Neil Gaiman's most malevolent villain in his Sandman series). He wrote, "In dreams I walk with you..." Something about the three little dots at the end of this statement haunted me...

Flash forward about ten or eleven years. I was in college at that point, and had just made the decision to watch David Lynch's film Blue Velvet. I watched it alone in the middle of the day, and felt my guts twist up into knots whenever Frank Booth was on screen. Simply put, the dude is the embodiment of bestial cruelty, and you were never quite sure when he was just gonna snap and take you down with him. Anyway, there's this scene where Frank has Jeffrey in his nasty clutches and they go visit a dude Frank calls Ben. Ben's apartment is a prime example of Lynchian f***ked up-ness. The lighting is too phosphorescent, there are carney-folk prostitutes hanging around, and overall it looks like someone just puked up a few loads of vintage clothing all over the place. After a brief dialogue between Ben and Frank, Ben cues up "In Dreams" by Roy Orbison. He pulls out one of those floodlights with the bulb encased in a metal grate and starts lip synching the song into the light. Just what in the hell kind of people are these? Immediately following this bizarre performance, Frank drives Jeffrey out into the middle of an industrial complex where he voraciously applies layers and layers of thick red lipstick to his lower face. He boots Jeffrey out, and as he's kicking the crap out of him, he bellows the phrase, "In dreams I walk with you!" Turns out, that's a damn lyric from Roy Orbison's popular hit about "the candy-colored clown they call the Sandman," entitled "In Dreams."

So I bought that shit on iTunes. Whenever it comes on in my shuffle, I just sit back and replay in my mind the many shades of chaos that these lyrics represent:

"In dreams I walk with you.
In dreams I talk to you.
In dreams you're mine.
All of the time we're together
In dreams, In dreams."

Tales Fron The Con, Episode 3: Constitution

2009-07-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

Gosh, we look freaking tired! Here we are at day 3 of the Con, and we had just arrived in hall H to see the Lost panel. It's been a long and strange road, but we've managed to pierce the very heart of geekdom. It has definitely taken a toll on our souls, but such profound awesomeness is worth it. Anywho, I'm not planning on writing all that much because I think the point of these entries is to share our photos. Also, it's late and I'm sleepy. Here goes!

Okay, the Lost panel was probably the most entertaining one of the entire convention. Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof threw together fan-made videos commemorating the series and a Miami Vice-ish opening credits scene with a song written by some Lost fans. When the q & a opened up, the dude who plays Donny the head page on 30 Rock presented the executive producers with a painting of them with a polar bear. Soon afterwards, Hurley asked a few unanswerable questions about the series only to be interrupted by Ben (kinda scary to be in the same room with the guy). Their routine was a pretty funny scenario about Ben originally auditioning for Hurley's part, accompanied by a video of said audition. Right, the panel expanded to include Richard Alpert, Sawyer, and eventually Charlie! I loved it a lot. Lost is a great show, and I'm sad that it's going into its final season.

Afterwards, there was a panel promoting a movie called Solomon Kane. Before it started, I had absolutely no idea what it was. Upon watching the panel, I discovered that it's an adaptation of a comic book by Robert E. Howard who also created Conan. From what I gather, it's about this Puritan dude in the early 1800's who runs around slaying demons. At first I thought, "lame-ass," but the footage was pretty good. The director stressed his desire to make this movie a throwback to old school '80's fantasy movies like Ladyhawke and Beastmaster, which it kinda was. We'll see.

Next, there was a panel for Mike Judge's new movie called Extract. The trailer's out online, and you should watch it if you haven't already. Up there we have Mike Judge, Jason Bateman, and Mila Kunis. The footage was pretty good, and I think that this one will definitely be on par with Office Space, possibly better. On a side note, Mike Judge talks exactly like Hank Hill. Oh, and Jason Bateman vaguely alluded to an Arrested Development movie, saying that everyone's on board but they still need a script.

Moving right along, Sony Pictures presented a panel for 2012 and Zombieland. 2012 is yet another Roland Emmerich disaster movie. This time, L.A. gets flooded and blah blah blah human spirit. Zombieland looked pretty funny though. It's got that Woody Harrelson fella, along with Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, and Abigail Breslin. It looks like your basic coming of age zombie movie. I'll hit that.

Now, the panel we were looking forward to all day: Iron Man 2! Here's some pictures, and then I'll try and recreate the footage that we saw using my words:

As you can see, Robert Downey, Jr., Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Sam Rockwell, and Scarlett Johansson were on hand to promote the flick, and by damn does it look wicked. The clip that they showed (twice!) started with Tony Stark in full armor (minus the helmet) hanging out inside the giant donut atop Randy's Donuts in L.A. Oh, and he's appropriately eating some donuts. Then Nick Fury shows up and is like, "Get yo' ass down here!" The pair argue briefly about the Avengers, which Stark calls a "super secret boy band." The footage cuts to a scene of Stark sitting before a group of senators on CNN. A senator played by Gary Shandling keeps probing Stark about his Iron Man "weapon." Hilarity ensues as Stark goads the senator into a rant of "F***k you, Mr. Stark." In the next scene, we have some old newspaper articles and magazine covers plastered all over a dingy basement wall. In Mickey Rourke's Russian accent, Whiplash speaks of Tony Stark coming from a family of thieves and murderers. He says something awesome like, "Blood is in the water, and soon the sharks will come." Then, freaking BOOM! Mickey Rourke's all jacked up with his makeshift electro-whips that he flings around as he approaches a downed Iron Man. Then it's a bunch of action clips, some of which feature Scarlett Johansson looking awesome as the Black Widow. The footage ends with Sam Rockwell as rival billionaire/weapons manufacturer Justin Hammer demonstrating some top of the line guns for Don Cheadle (he took over for James Rhodes). After he finishes, it's all:
Rhodes: I'll take it.
Hammer: Which one?
Rhodes: All of 'em.
The footage ends with effing War Machine with wrist-mounted machine guns and a shoulder mounted gatling gun shooting the hell out of everything!
As far as exclusive footage went, this stuff was amazing. It was long, bitchin', and totally got me jazzed to see this when it comes out next year.

We ended our day with a trip to the exhibition hall, where I picked up volume 8 of The Goon's trade paper back exploits which I later got signed by Eric Powell. Here's a picture of Sheree with a fake Jason Bateman, because we didn't actually get to meet the real Jason Bateman:

Huzzah!

Tales From the Con, Episode 2: Conversations

2009-07-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

Ah! Hello again, readers! Our dude and lady have missed you during their raucous exploits at day 2 of the Con. Now, without further delay, let us resume our journey with this blisteringly attractive couple of adventurers.

Hall H was our adventurer's first stop. Warner Brothers was promoting some of their upcoming releases, along with unreleased footage. The panel started with three scenes from Spike Jonze's adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are (Not much to photograph, unfortunately. They bust you if you record any of the footage). Verdict: Truly beautiful filmmaking. The music, the creatures, and the setting completely evoke that which was awesome about Maurice Sendak's book. I'm very much looking forward to this one.

Above, you'll see Gary Oldman, Denzel Washington, and Jackie Earle Haley. The first two were promoting a film called The Book of Eli, which is some kind of post-apocalyptic action fest directed by the Hughes brothers (Dead Presidents, From Hell, and some other stuff). The verdict: Dollar movie worthy, or perhaps just one to watch on cable. Mr. Haley was there promoting the extremely superfluous remake of Wes Craven's A Nightmare on Elm Street. Verdict, anyone: The whole idea that someone is remaking this movie bugs me a lot. The director even stooped so low as to call it a "reinvention," and compared it to the relationship between Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins to Tim Burton's Batman. I call bullshit on that!

Next up, we have Megan Fox, Josh Brolin, Cameron Diaz, and James Marsden. The Fox/Brolin pair were promoting Jonah Hex, which is adapted from a comic book about an ugly ass cowboy and his bad temperment. Verdictus Maximus: Looks a hell of a lot like Ghost Rider, and Ghost Rider was damn near unwatchable. Maybe go see it as an ironic joke. Diaz and Marsden were there for a movie called The Box, which is another flick from the dude who directed Donnie Darko. Do I Smell Verdict? Hard to call. I guess the footage that they showed intrigued me enough to see it, and the dialogue surrounding the 1976 setting was very mysterious. I freaking hate Cameron Diaz though.

Oh ho! Who are these handsome celebrity folk? It's Robert Downey, Jr. and Rachel McAdams, on hand to show us some footage from Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes. El Verdicto: Balls to the walls. When I heard about the cast and Guy Ritchie and all that good stuff, I was really excited. After seeing the footage, I nearly puked my pants.

Later on, there was a panel for this kinda cool-lookin' movie called 9. It's an animated flick, and Elijah Wood and Jennifer Connely were there because they do voices for it. Oh, and that's Tim Burton! He was one of the producers. At this point of the Con, I decided to take the opportunity to ask a question of Timur Bekmambetov (he directed Wanted and some sweet Russian horror movies called Night Watch and Day Watch. He's also producing this movie):

Me: Um, excuse me? Mr. Bekmambetov?
Timur B: Yes?
Me: Uh, I was wondering, um, if there is going to be a Dusk Watch film to finish the Night Watch trilogy?
Timur B: No.
Me: Oh. Drag. Kay, bye.

It's quite humbling to see your ugly mug up on that huge screen, knowing that literally thousands of people can see you and are judging your coolness based solely upon what kind of question you ask. I had to go to the bathroom after I finished. Oh, Verdicto Finale: 9 could be cool, but the footage they showed was veeerrry boring. That makes me think that they're relying too much on how things look, and that tells me that it might suck.
Oh, this is just Peter Jackson in his very first Comic-Con appearance. No big deal. But seriously, it is a big deal. He's producing a movie called District 9 that is about aliens that are being kept in a ghetto by us nasty humans. What's That? Oh, Just A Verdict: I'd place District 9 just under Sherlock Holmes and Where the Wild Things Are on the list of movies that I'm very much looking forward to. There was also a panel for some movie called Legion about militant angels or some dumb thing like that. It looked like a fried turd that had been left under the radiator for three weeks.

Here is where our journey takes a strange turn. Eric Powell (creator of The Goon) was on hand to celebrate Goon's tenth anniversary. Along with him were Thomas Lennon, Robert Garant (otherwise known as officers Jim Dangle and Travis Junior of Reno 911!), and a little boy dressed up like Nacho Libre. Lennon and Garant were posing as Powell's older, white trashier brothers. I don't know what the hell the Nacho Libre kid was doing there though. Towards the end of the panel, they showed some footage of an upcoming animated feature that is being helmed by David Fincher, which was pretty rad. Un-rad, however was Eric Powell himself. He seemed a lot like the quiet kid at your school who is secretly a dick. Oh, and the Reno 911! dudes were very funny for the first fifteen minutes of the panel, but the schtick couldn't sustain itself for the full hour. Meh.

That pretty much concludes day two, readers. Can you handle two more days? Can you? Answer me!!!

Tales From The Con, Episode 1: Consecrations

2009-07-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

This tale begins much like any other. It starts with a dude and a lady (pictured above) who take a journey deep into the heart of California's cultural wilderness. While on this journey, the pair encounter many encounters, both terrible and profound. What follows is a serious of photographic examples of said encountered encounters. Please, try not to go insane. Thank you.
After spending many days wandering through Disneyland's many wonders and terrors (side note: I'm 99% sure that I saw Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins whilst waiting in line for the Matterhorn. Alas, I was too chicken to find out for sure), we found ourselves in Hollywood. Here's a picture of said dude with R2-D2's and C-3PO's footprints. After some time journeying, the pair ran into another pretty awesome pair of journey folk. Behold their triumph as they stand upon the shores of Laguna Beach!But what's this? The pair's surroundings have changed in no small way! They pose within the bowels of the mighty exhibition hall of the San Diego Comic-Con! Though this picture is quite awesome, it still does not manage to capture the complete pandemonium of the exhibition hall. That is one fine lookin' couple though.

Okay, here are a few pictures from within. On top, you'll notice our dude with Snake Eyes and Storm shadow. We took this picture specifically for Ryan, so he could see a small fraction of the overall coolness he missed while not attending. Then there's our dude being a dork in front of a Dark Horse/Star Wars display. Finally, a set of Iron Man prototype suits, courtesy of Stark Industries.

On to the panels! First we have Eliza Dushku, Sigourney Weaver, Zoe Saldana, and Elizabeth Mitchell talking about what it means to be a woman in the sci-fi world. It was pretty interesting, except for the parts when Eliza Dushku talked. The second picture we have is from the Kick-Ass panel (it's a sweet comic book that they're making into what looks to be a sweet comic book movie). Left to right, there's Matthew Vaughn (director), Jane Goldman (screenwriter), Mark Millar (comic book writer), John Romita, Jr. (comic book artist), Clark Duke (plays a dude in the movie), and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (plays another dude in the movie, also known as McLovin). Oh, and later on Chloe Moretz (plays a little girl assassin) showed up. Nicholas Cage is also in the movie, but he copped out like a chump. They showed some clips, and it looks like a very special kind of rad. If you haven't read Kick-Ass, rectify the situation! Now!
But wait! Who's this with our dude? Do you recognize him? No? Well! That, my friends, is Mike Mignola (creator of Hellboy). On a final run through the exhibition hall, we chanced upon him as he was leaving. I was unprepared for this, but was glad to have gotten a pic with him. Oh, and he signed my Dark Horse preview book. Thug life!

To conclude episode 1 of our tale, here we have our lady and dude exiting the premises to find sustenance and end their first day of the Con. But do not despair, dear reader. There are three more days of Comic-Con action upon which to expound. Keep it tuned here for more from the heart of geekery. So say we all!

Items of Interest

2009-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Drag Me To Hell: Remember that one time when I bitched about horror movies and was really looking forward to Sam Raimi's return to the world of horror? Well, my hopes were not for naught! Sheree, Wong, and I went to see this film on opening night (sadly, it wasn't very full, and I think it was only playing on one screen) and despite it's PG-13 rating, it managed to scare the bejeezus out of all of us. It felt good to have such an exhilarating celluloid experience. It's been a very long time since I've had a movie rip into my mindgrapes so brutally. It's too bad that shitty horror movies like Saw still manage to make more money than the good ones, but I suppose that's the way it works.

Gogol Bordello: I've also mentioned these guys in a blog post (I'm not going to link to it, though). They played at Vegoose a few years back and were awesome. This time around, they played at the Murray Theater, and were equally awesome. I like to think of Gogol Bordello and Arcade Fire as two sides of the same coin. Both bands have a large roster, draw upon a lot of musical talent, and are cool. Gogol Bordello is more frenzied and explosive, whereas Arcade Fire is more reserved and brooding. And that, my friends, is an attempt to sound like I know stuff about stuff.

The Goon: This has become one of my favorite comic book diversions. It's drawn and written by a dude named Eric Powell, and it's like we share the same part of our brains where we can't stop thinking about zombies, monsters, and thugs who stab zombies and monsters in the eye. In a bit of crazy awesomeness, Hellboy gets pulled into an issue of The Goon, and together they do battle with a horde of Communist mollusks that fly around via balloons strapped to their backs.

Other things that are still cool, but that I'm not going to expound upon due to self-explanatory coolness:

Lost season 5 finale!
Pushing Daisies!
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman!
Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia on DS!
Steve Wiebe's Donkey Kong-quest at E3!
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix by Phoenix!

There's Always Room for Giallo

2009-05-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

I suppose this all started as a result of the following unholy union: iTunes+Castlevania: Symphony of the Night+morbid curiosity= ?. It was a cold, dark night. While slouching in my chair, eyes half closed with a clear stream of drool issuing from the corner of my mouth, I was poring over the current Genius recommendations that iTunes had for me. The songs all bled together into a cacophonous mass of sights and sounds. Unable to handle the sheer psychological stress of the depths of which I was traversing, I blacked out. When I came to, my computer screen greeted me with this disturbing image. Had I been in full posession of my faculties, I would have just closed iTunes and forgotten that the whole thing had ever happened. But at this particular moment in time, I did click, and I did listen. As the audible insanity of Goblin assaulted my mind grapes (as it is now assaulting yours!), a slew of haunting yet familiar images started to form within my nebulous brain. A castle, inverted. A male hero who was drawn with a very feminine facial structure. Bats, fish-men, skeletons, zombies, and...Death Incarnate! Was it? It was! Castlevania: Symphony of the Night! The salacious synths and guillotined guitars of Goblin could have been pulled directly from the haunted screens of the aforementioned graphical distraction! Having long abandoned my sanity, I probed deeper into the mystery of Goblin. After wandering lonely online avenues that I will not reveal, my search lead me to an Italian dude, his trilogy of witchcraft, and the terror of....Giallo. THE DUDE: Dario Argento, master of Mediterrenean macabre! THE TRILOGY: Le Tri Madre (The Three Mothers), wanderers across the wide world of witchcraft! GIALLO: It's description is to terrible for my fingers to form into words...behold, if you dare! The unbridled terror that presented itself after my frenzy-induced Google search caused me to black out for a second, and more prolonged period of time. I awoke around dusk of the following day, covered in dozens of ham and cheese Hot Pocket wrappers and lying face down in an unfamiliar parking lot. I arose to observe my surroundings. The parking lot belonged to a local video rental chain. Disobeying the last shreds of humanity that were faintly screaming for me to halt and return to my normal, God-fearing ways, I entered. I was drawn to the horror section like a vulture to a rotting bison carcass. Almost purely involuntarily, my hands reached for Suspiria and Inferno(comprising volumes one and two of the trilogy) but where was the third? Where was Mother of Tears? Ignoring all sense of public decency and decorum, I approached the counter attendant and urged her to contribute to my insanity by locating volume three of the trilogy. When she could not, I thrashed and I bellowed, knocking over a shelving unit filled with Jujy Fruits, Sno-Caps, Dots, and Junior Mints...sweet memories of a world of which I was no longer a part. I fled the scene with my prize and swiftly returned to my abode to obliterate what was left of my sound mind. I watched them both without pause, but without the third film, something was incomplete. Now, I am but a wanderer, searching for this last volume that will either bring me peace...or damnation.

Inglorious!

2009-05-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

No Need to Drag Me. I'll Go Willingly.

2009-04-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

As I've surveyed the current state of horror movies, I've discovered that the genre is totally letting me down. The last original horror movie that I've seen was James Gunn's splatterrific epic Slither. That was back in 2006, dammit! Two whole years have gone by without a single horror movie that did not fit into the following categories: Saw-inspired "torture porn," or franchise reboots (there are probably exceptions, but where the hell are they? Why can't I watch them? That's another thing that's been bugging me. The good movies are hard to see, and when I can see them, I have to put up with the elitist dicks over at the Broadway or the unshaven posers at the Tower. Eff them). The problem with the former category is that the thrill factor does not come from well-paced tension or grisly atmosphere, but from flat out brutality. There's no story to speak of, the acting is awful, and there's no depth at all. It's just a random collage of gruesome death scenes that really have not point other than to display someone's head getting crushed by a sledgehammer. Now, let me take this opportunity to say that I'm one who appreciates a good sledgehammer head-crushing. I love sledgehammer head-crushings. Love them! But sledgehammer head-crushings have to be perpetrated in a certain way to be truly meaningful. There's gotta be a message behind it, man. Anywho, Saw and the whole pathetic goth teenage fanbase who love the hell out of it have really screwed things up.
I won't say too much about the reboots, because their mere existence is unnecessary and shows a shocking lack of creativity on behalf of everyone who has ever been involved with them. Plus, they make the originals less cool by default. It's a shame.
In light of this current horror recession, I've got a little tiny bit of hope. Sam Raimi is coming down from his Spider Man ivory tower to plumb the depths of horror again with Drag Me to Hell (kickass title). I'm happy about this because Raimi knows how to make a good horror movie. Evil Dead="the ultimate experience in grueling terror (it says that on the box!)" Behold!

Let's Get Psyched!

2009-03-27T15:53:00.000-07:00

And lo, the reason I haven't been paying much attention to my blog has come to a screeching and emotionally ambiguous halt. For those of you who don't know (or those of you who are just insensitive), I've been student teaching at a middle school for about two and a half months. It's given me time to think about my choice of profession from beneath its own crushing boot heel.
I can say that it didn't scare me away from teaching, but it also didn't fill me with a philanthropic desire to "reach" every student and convert gang members into "decent" folk. Anyway, it's a lot to think about still. In the meantime, here's a playlist of songs that kept me psyched up.

"Wolf Like Me" by TV On the Radio: I owe some thanks to Ben for putting this song on a cool mix CD, and some to Ryan for inviting me and Sheree to see Local H where they did a crackingly good cover of it. When the moon is round and full, gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mongrel mind.

"Seventeen Years" by Ratatat: Nothing like seeing what kind of sounds can actually come out of an electric guitar via synth-exorcism to get one psyched. This song psyches me up for just about anything. I'm psyched just thinking about it.

"The Mountain" by Heartless Bastards: Great song. I am still really trying to like the whole album, however. Spilt blood on this place/it only echoes true all through the day.

"Twilight Omens" by Franz Ferdinand: This album in contrast is spectacularrr (roll the "r" for the correct emphasis). "Ulysses" also gets me pretty damn psyched. Anywho, I like this one because it's got one of the best lines that I've heard in a song: I typed your number into my calculator where it spelled a dirty word when you turn it upside down.

"Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon: That's right. Sex on mutha-huggin' fi-yah! I heard this song one day on KRCL, which prompted me to get the album. For a very long time I've been hesitant about Kings of Leon, but this monster of rock did me in. Hot as a fever/rattling bones/I could just taste it/taste it.

"Heads Will Roll" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Even though I hate dancing because 1. I look stupid when I do it and 2. I know that I look stupid when I do it, this is a good song. If I looked cool/sexy when I danced, I'd totally dance to this song. Off with your head/dance 'til you're dead.

I'm grateful for good psych-up songs. They helped me lots with the peculiar student teaching experience, and they kick ass for other reasons too.

Brain Damage. On Purpose!

2009-02-21T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've been student teaching for a little over a month now. It's going okay, but there comes a time every few days where my brain needs to decompress. I've found that logging many hours on Fallout 3 was a good way to do this. As the days go on, however, it takes a bit more than shooting mutants in the face with a combat shotgun to successfully get my brain back to its natural, pudding-like state. Luckily, I rediscovered a box set of DVD's that I purchased way back when DVD's were the new shit, and I was working at a respectable mall retail outlet known as Sam Goody/Suncoast. Yes, let it be known that among my very first DVD purchases was Full Moon pictures' Puppet Master series. I don't even want to think of how much I paid for it (this was back when one DVD sold for like, 25 bucks, and I worked in the mall...), but I had to have it at that point in my life (high school). You see, once when Ben and I were younger, we managed to rent ourselves copies of Puppet Master and Puppet Master II. We watched them both back to back, and, due to the fact that we were both young and impressionable, we thought that they were badass (well, I thought they were badass. I'm not sure what Ben's first impressions were).

Upon rediscovering this nostalgic gem, I decided to make watching it in its entirety a part of my weekly decompression ritual. Here's what happened (and did I mention the box set consists of SEVEN movies? Yeah, that's right)....

Puppet Master: Nazis! The Bodega Bay Inn! Puppet POV shots! Old man suicide! Psychics! Dead friend (or is he?)! Weird and unecessary sex scenes! Grown men being overpowered by tiny dolls! That one has a drill for a head! This one has knives for hands! What? That one pukes up leeches? Gross! Reanimation (he wasn't dead)! Green blood, as opposed to red! Ending?

Puppet Master II: Grave digging! Cattle mutilations! Hillbillies! In California? More, different psychics! What? A new puppet? Why, he has a flame thrower hand! Head stab, followed by improvised brain surgery! Wait, psychics? Mysterious bandage-faced man! Bandages come off...oh! It's the guy who shot himself in the first one! Well preserved! Man-sized puppet body? Soul transferrance! Wait, woman-sized puppet body? I fell asleep! Woke up...how did the woman puppet come to life! Winnebago!

Puppet Master III: The past! WWII! More, different Nazis! Six-armed cowboy puppet! Hitler puppet gets shot! Kids laugh! Nazis rage! Random nudity! Sex scene with old Nazi man! Puppet six-gun attack! Oh! Puppets=dead Jewish friends! Pale Gestapo dude! Meat hooks! Wha?

Puppet Master 4: Lack of roman numerals! Psychics? No! Scientists! Robotics! Oh! I get it! Egyptian demon god! Mini-demon puppets! Smarmy 1990's guy! Psychic girlfriend! Puppet discovery! Killing? Yes! But, no? Evil puppets turn good! Puppet on puppet battles! Cheesy dialogue!

Puppet Master 5: More Egyptian terror! Same main guy! Rick! Omega project? Decapitron! Frankenstein-like reanimation scene! Puppet on puppet electrocutions! Close up on Rick! Ending!

Curse of the Puppet Master: College! Roadside attraction! Shy gas station attendant! Bullies! Old man vs. young man! Recruitment! Weird dreams! Sexual frustration! Bullies! Crotch stab! Puppet/human hybrid! Stock footage!

Retro Puppet Master: Awful accents! He was French? Old sorcerer! Pursued by mummies! His friends die? No! Soul transferrance! Wooden puppets? Dangerous! Who cares anymore!

And there you have it. The things I go through for brain decompression.

FUN FACT: The puppet known as Tunneler looks an awful lot like Alessandro Juliani AKA Lt. Felix Gaeta (it's the lips, I think). Behold!

The Year of the Oh-Niners

2009-01-18T22:05:00.000-08:00

I want to say that the reason I haven't posted for so long was because of a rigorous barrage of finals (just to put my particular finals week into perspective, I was inspired to watch Kill Bill 1&2, Jackass: The Movie, and 28 Days Later in straight succession while working on them). I even think it would be acceptable to say that I've been busy with student teaching. But, to be honest, I haven't posted in such a long time because I do not think it is possible to ever top Neal's and Ryan's amazingly geeky Star Wars vs Star Trek banter. Things like that don't happen every day, and if you've read through their meticulously planned point/counterpoint argument, you should pat yourself on the back for witnessing something worthy of induction to the geek hall of fame.
Even though I know this post (nor any of my subsequent posts) will ever come close to capturing such unbridled awesome, I can't neglect my little blog any longer.

So, 2008 is over, right? Yeah, I thought so. Here's what I remember fondly about that year:

The Dark Knight: I want to preface this by describing how much I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Those were movies that effectively captured the living essence of an already stellar work of art such as J.R.R. Tolkien's novels about Middle Earth and almost perfectly translated it into a living, breathing epic. I know that everyone loves these movies, and a film snob like myself should shun the big-budget, CGI stuff, but let's just be honest with ourselves and say that those movies deserved every bit of praise they got.
That being said, I haven't seen a movie since then that even comes close to capturing the same sense of awe and wonder that I felt upon seeing each of the Lord of the Rings films. And then, in 2008, The Dark Knight comes out and reminds me of what it's like when excellent source material is perfectly crafted into a near-flawless cinematic spectacle. I think you all know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, call me up so I can come over and break your collar bone with a crescent wrench.

Battlestar Galactica/Lost: I blame these two shows for making me plan my weekly routine around my TV (or sometimes someone else's TV, cuz we don't get Sci-Fi). It's hard to talk openly about their awesomeness (spoilers aplenty!), so if you haven't caught yourself up on both of these epic tales, get crackin'!

Fallout 3: I don't really like to write about video games. They're just way too subjective to accurately critique. But today I'm breaking my rule. I've never been so completely sucked into a game in all of my twenty some-odd years of video-game nerdery. Let me just sum my experience with this game up in one of my many simulated experiences while traversing the post-apocalyptic wasteland that was once Washington D.C.: I reached a point in the game where I was getting hassled day in and day out by hired mercs (I'm playing as a do-gooder, and the evil folk don't jive with that). After I slew them mightily and rifled through their dismembered corpses, I retrieved a letter from a dude named Tenpenny who had hired these douchebags to come kill me. When I was finally able to activate the coordinates of every possible map destination, I discovered a place called Tenpenny Tower. So I thought to myself, "I'm gonna find this bastard and make him pay!" I got to the tower, and this Tenpenny guy had set up a community of elitist jackasses within an old hotel (kinda like Dennis Hopper in Land of the Dead). At first, I was just going to blow Tenpenny's head off with my shotgun, but a more intriguing opportunity came my way. It turned out there was a settlement of ugly, radioactive folks who wanted to move into the tower, but of course the folks who were already there didn't want anything to do with these nasty Ghouls. So what do I do? I let these vicious psychos into the tower through the basement and let them rip through the place! I figured that every son of a bitch who through his lot in with the coward who sent mercs to kill me deserve to be eaten alive by mutants! I lost good-guy points for doing this, but it was so very gratifying.

I'm a total nerd :(

Comic-Con: Such a grand celebration of everything that I ever thought was awesome (including Frankenberry)! I sometimes find my mind wandering back to our trip to San Diego to witness this conglomeration of movies, comics, TV, video games, zombies, Anime, F-list actors, washed-up centerfolds, and rare collectibles when I need cheering. Even though Nathan Fillion came very close to stealing Sheree away from me, I have nothing but love for the Con.

7-18-08: That's mine and Sheree's wedding date! It was so amazingly wicked awesome! Flowing rivers of ice creams and sauces, happy folks coming and going, tasty cakeses, and most of all, the most intelligent, beautiful, and perfect woman in the world became my wife. Indeed a great moment of 2008.

Mmm hmmm.

Take the Ticket. Enjoy the Ride.

2008-12-02T19:20:00.000-08:00

Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know

2008-11-25T21:12:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's right. I haven't posted anything since Obama trounced McCain in the presidential election. Why? Because for the last 20 days I've been slavin' away in the pursuit of academic merits! I've been getting piledriven by midterms, suplexed by classroom management plans, and atomic elbowed by advanced Russian grammar! It's been a rough coupl'a weeks is all. But, have I learned anything? Let's find out.

Byronic heroes are dicks: So I have this class called Russian culture. It's all about Russian literature that has been written at the turn of the century, right before the tsars where 86'd so the Bolsheviks could set up shop. Apparently it was pretty hip at this time to integrate what us literary hipsters call a "Byronic Hero" into Russian novels. Anywho, Byronic Heroes (taken from Lord Byron; famous romantic poet, Greek revolutionary, and sexual deviant) are dicks. But they're kinda like cool dicks. Frank N. Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show is a pretty good example of what I'm talking about. I'm not sure why this archetype took such a strong foothold in Russia, but we've read about four books now that prominently feature a bored intellectual who uses his good looks and cultural acumen to woo ladies and then break their hearts in front of the men who really love them. Interesting, no?

Rewards can punish kids just like punishments can punish kids. But maybe they can't?: There's this dude goes by the name of Alfie Kohn. He's all about reforming the classroom to be less about rewards and punishments, and more about student/teacher democracy. To which I say, "Awesome! In this perfect fantasy world, do I have my own butler on a luxury space station orbiting planet Goodtimes?" Yes it's wrong to teach kids that they're in school in order to get a letter on a piece of important looking paper. Yes it's wrong to make kids afraid of participating in class discussions because they think you're going to punish them for wanting to learn. But let's just take a step back and realize that our entire society is based on a system of rewards and punishments, and that's just a cold hard fact that kids are gonna have to deal with.

Eastern European wedding customs are bizarre and unsettling: One day in my Slavic Folklore class, we watched a home movie of a wedding in some village located in Yugoslavia. Now, I mentally checked out about thirty minutes into the thing, because at the end of the day, you're watching someone's poorly made wedding video. Here's what I remember seeing though: The entire village population dancing in the street while firing pistols into the air, the groom attempting to sharpshoot an apple that has been hung from the bride's roof, the groom attempting to pay the bride's sister for permission to enter the bride's room to claim her as his own, lot's of funny hats, a very long church ceremony where both bride and groom looked nervous at first, but then slightly tired. Messed me up good.

Preacher by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon is badass: I'm about five TPB's (that's "trade paperbacks" for all you plebians) into this series, and I freaking love it. It's like an existential western road movie with vampires, demons, angels, and a horrendously botched suicide inspired by Kurt Cobain's own demise. There's a cinematic quality to Ennis' and Dillon's work that I've never seen in another comic book. And it is also home to a character called The Saint of Killers, who is possibly the most terrifying, grizzled, pissed off, and vengeful fellas I've ever seen. This doesn't really have to do with school, but it was nice to spend some downtime with the Reverend Jesse Custer, his gal Tulip O'Hare, and their mutual undead friend Cassidy the Irish vampire.

I can't think of any other important lessons that I learned over the last 20 days, and I blame this on the fact that my brain was getting punched in the nuts for at least 16 of said 20 days, and just wants to exit my head via my ear so it can saturate itself in a healthy brine of fried chicken, apple beer, pizza, and David Lynch movies.

Politics, Shmolitics.

2008-11-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

Halloweenie Roast 6: A Symphony of Horror

2008-10-28T11:38:00.000-07:00

The 6th annual Halloweenie Roast has come and gone, and it was a pretty good one! This year's theme was horror movie musicals. On the agenda was The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cannibal: The Musical, Sweeney Todd, and F.W. Murnau's silent film Nosferatu (it included music by Type O Negative, so it still fit the theme). We got through two and a half horror movie musicals (didn't get the chance to do the Nosferatu) before the group consciousness decided that it was time for sleep.

This was also the very first Halloweenie Roast that has taken place outside of my parents' basement, so that's kind of monumental. We fit about eleven people fairly comfortably in our dinky apartment, gorged on various chili dog creations, and experimented with new flavors of Doritos (spicy chili Doritos are way good, btw).

Highlights of the evening were when I tried to carry five twelve-packs of soda plus one big case of bottled water up the stairs to our apartment. I realized that it was a bad idea when I dropped them all mid-staircase. Luckily, the collateral damage of my overzealous soda-carrying ego only amounted to one diet Dr. Pepper, which exploded on the pavement; Matt Garcia's weird Hawaiian BBQ potato chips (they'd be good on a peanut butter sandwich! Don't knock it 'till you try it!); Danny's and Emi's giant tub o' popcorn (we ate most of it! Gluttony!); and Wong's visible disgust regarding Tim Curry in drag.

All in all, it was a good roast. Any suggestions on next year's theme? Or maybe other forms of debauchery that we could include in the glorious roast tradition? Anywho, thanks to everyone who came and brought food and stuff. You guys are sexy bitches.

We Found A Witch, May We Burn Her?

2008-10-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

Young folks who unintentionally document the last horrific moments of their lives have become a pretty reliable horror/sci-fi convention nowadays (Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead, Quarantine). It's also become quite a popular critical stance to describe these films as an exposition of how much we love iPhones and YouTube, which I guess has some merit. I'm pretty sure we're about two skips and a jump away from full on Philip K. Dick/William Gibson-style transhumanism. Bearing this convention and what it means for us in the information age in mind, it's nice to go back about ten years and watch The Blair Witch Project. This film pioneered the handheld POV convention while continuing to prey upon the audience's fear of the dark. Much like Orson Welles did with his radio broadcast of Wells' The War of the Worlds, Dan Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez combined a timeless fear with a new technological medium with such palpability that people actually thought it depicted real events.
Though the brilliant marketing campaign could be credited with the massive profits that this film accrued, it wouldn't have worked if the characters and situations came off as unbelievable. Even thought the movie is about an unexplained disappearance perpetrated by a dead witch, it feels painfully real. For example, the three types of college film students are represented perfectly (yes, there are only three types!). Heather is the serious one who thinks film is her way to make some difference in the world, and that documentary filmmaking is the only "true" art form and blah blah blah. Josh is the goth-geek who had a helluva time in high school, so he turned to his own world of horror movies and industrial music and tells people that he wants to make movies because he's an artist, but really he just wants to be famous. Mike is a frat boy who happened to have sound/recording experience, so studying film would be the easiest way to graduation. Oh, and let's not overlook the fact that all three of these characters start the film ugly and end the film butt-ugly. You saw Cloverfield. There's no way people that good looking could exist in the real world. And I'm pretty sure that they get better looking as the film goes on; hair artfully tousled with a smattering of fake dust, clothing rips that strategically draw the eye to ample cleavage or chiseled biceps a la personal trainer. Not in Blair Witch! Those people actually look like they're going through absolute overexposed, malnourished, hunted hell! The handheld camera captures the dirt under their fingernails, the sweat in their hair, and of course the fountains of snot and tears that gush out of Heather's nose as she comes to grips with the fact that they're gonna die alone and terrified in the middle of nowhere.
After re-watching Blair Witch, I've decided that modern POV movies aren't really a critique as much as they are an exercise in embracing the upgrade. They're flashier, heavy on the CGI, and star some flawlessly attractive people. They are the iPod to Blair Witch's Discman. Whoa. It feels weird to even write "Discman."

When There Is No More Room In Hell....

2008-10-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

They're Probably Pretty Cool...Probably.

2008-10-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's just barely October, and already I'm getting a serious urge to subject myself to lots of horror movies and lots of fun-size candy bars (truth be told, I start getting those twinges of blood/candylust around the end of August). The following is a list of movies that I've always wanted to see, but as of yet have not. I'm thinking that they might make the cut for the 6th annual Halloweenie Roast. Anyway, here goes:

Cemetery Man: From what I've read about this flick, it sounds pretty much right up my alley. It's basically about this dude who works as a cemetery caretaker. When zombies start to rise up from the graves in his cemetery, he takes responsibility for the zombie invasion and tries to kill them before they can leave, so as not to disturb the sleepy town surrounding said cemetery. Eventually he falls in love with a dark, beautiful, and recently widowed woman and their relationship takes a tragic turn when she becomes one of the cursed undead. Does he kill her? Does he decide to join her in zombie damnation? I don't know! That's why I'd like to see this movie. That and the zombies and cemeteries and brain mutilations.

The Last House On the Left: This one is important to me for a few reasons. It's Wes Craven's first movie, and I'm interested in taking a look at his first stab (get it?) at horror movies. Also, the story sounds both fascinating and terrifying. It's about a pair of girls who go to a rock concert and get killed on the way home. The movie then puts you in the perspective of one girl's parents who unintentionally welcome their daughter's killers into their home. Instead of taking a predictable turn and having the killers terrorize the quaint suburban family, Craven has the girl's parents find out the truth about their guests and cruelly mete out vengeance as the night progresses.

Wait Until Dark: Unlike many movies that I haven't seen but want to, I haven't spent much time reading about the synopsis of this flick. What I do know is that Audrey Hepburn plays a blind chick who gets mixed up with some seriously evil dudes (one of which is Alan Arkin! Him playing a psycho is 75% of why I want to see this movie) and terror ensues. The other 25% of the reason I want to see this movie is for this one scene I saw whilst watching Bravo's "Hundred Scariest Movie Moments" when Mr. Arkin leaps out of a dark room ready to attack the blind Ms. Hepburn. She can't see him! You can! Terror!

Dead End Drive-In: I know nothing about this one, save that it's a horror movie set in a drive-in theater, which is something Sheree and I have talked about a lot. The drive-in is one of the most perfect places to set a horror movie. It's dark, there's lots of opportunity for horny teenagers to fornicate before getting their throats cut, and the snack bar is open all night! Anywho, I might be overexcited to watch this one, because as you can see by the cover, it's probably a piece of fried crap.

I Am Omega: This one I know will be a total piece of fried crap. But, it's not on this list because I think it's a possibly brilliant exercise in horror, no no no, my friends. It's on this list because The Chairman from Iron Chef America is the protaganist and he battles zombies in a complete ripoff of both I Am Legend and Omega Man (see? I Am+Omega). Tell me that you're not just a teensy bit curious to see how they managed to take that concept and run with it.

The Hills Have Eyes: Just so we're clear, I don't mean Alexandre Aja's remake (which I've already seen. Meh), but Wes Craven's original. I just like the idea of a mutant clan that terrorizes travelers in the Southwest deserts of America. See that guy on the cover? He doesn't have any fingernails! In real life!

Right. That's definitely not all of them, but it's a good list so far, and I'm getting tired and hungry. 'Kay, bye.

25 Is So Last Year

2008-09-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

On this most joyous day of my birth, please join me in an online movie marathon that I think pretty accurately depicts everything that is cool.

Enjoy!

Cool Stuff This Week: Spaced and The Boys

2008-09-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

As Sheree already stated, Spaced is awesome. It's great that a show like this existed, and before I go on, I'd like to take you with me on an angry tangent about American TV. Okay, Spaced was on for two seasons (14 episodes), which is around the same length as some great American shows (Freaks and Geeks, Arrested Development, Firefly, Twin Peaks). The difference? All of the good American TV shows were canceled, whereas Spaced went off the air because the creators wanted to start making motion pictures. That being said, I'm glad that Spaced was birthed across the pond. Otherwise, who knows how many episodes might have been prematurely destroyed by a short-sighted American TV network?
Anywho, the show must really be seen to be believed, so here's a brief taste that Danny showed me a long time ago. Oh, and this quote's pretty good: "Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like f***king Shaft!"

On another, comic book related note, I recently cracked into a pretty good one by Garth Ennis called The Boys. In brief, it's about a semi-superpowered team of CIA spooks who make sure to hold superheroes accountable for the collateral damage that their exploits inflict on the innocent. Interestingly enough, artist Darick Robertson contacted Simon Pegg to use his likeness for a character named Wee Hughie whose girlfriend gets killed in a skirmish between a superhero named A-Train and some ignominious supervillain. As a way to deal with his grief, Hughie accepts an invitation to join The Boys from the aptly named team leader Billy Butcher.
Since it's a Garth Ennis tale, there's a lot of twisted stuff in here, most of it perpetrated by costumed superhero types. They're all about dogooding and justice while they are on camera, but in their secret fortresses and lairs they indulge themselves in bizarre excesses and deviant behavior that come as a byproduct of their apparent invincibility. So, you don't feel so bad when The Boys beat the snot out of a group called Teenage Kix directly after outing one of their principal members and ruining their public image. It's especially gratifying when Hughie, recently doped up on "super-serum" type pharmaceuticals, accidentally punches a hole through Blarney Cock's chest.
The action seems to be mounting up to a major confrontation between The Boys and America's leading superhero team, The Seven (Basically like the JLA, if the JLA let their celebrity status run away with them and turn them into a bunch of pricks). It's probably gonna be pretty messy.

How's that for a piece of fried gold?

I Eat Ganados For Breakfast...With Skim Milk.

2008-09-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

So...close....to....falling...a....sleep.... Must....write.....weblo....g.....

Hoo boy, Tuesdays and Thursdays are lo-ong. As I write this, I'm in one of my four classes and I am having a hell of a time keeping my eyes open. Wanna hear about Resident Evil 4 and how I just barely finished it? You do? Okay. I'll tell you about my experience doing battle with Las Plagas.
So in this freaking sweet game, you play as a dude named Leon. Leon's pretty badass! He survived Resident Evil 2 and saw Raccoon City nuked by the American military as the T-Virus got totally out of control on his first day as a cop. Apparently, Leon is so impressed by the government's testosterone driven use of overkill that he decides to become a government security agent. A few years after the eradication of Raccoon City, Leon gets called to Europe to investigate the kidnapping of the U.S. president's daughter. At first, he thinks it's the work of an obscure Spanish death cult that harbors a secret terrorist agenda. And he's right! Except that the majority of the cult members have been enslaved by sentient parasites known only as.... Las Plagas. This means that once you figure out that shooting cultists in the head is the best way to kill them, the Plagas pop out of their bloody neck-stumps with tentacles and bones and try to eat your face.
Throughout his mission, Leon remains pretty dense as to what's really going on (he's just here to get the president's daughter and get out! What the hell are Las Plagas anyway? Who cares?) but he eventually figures it out when he gets injected with a Plaga of his very own. Once Leon starts to cough up blood and lose control of his will, he figures that something bigger is going down after all.
As the mystery unravels, it becomes revealed that a guy named Osmund Saddler is the leader of this cult (meaning he can control the Plagas themselves. He has this crazy staff that has eyes and tentacles that makes this possible), and his grand, malevolent plan involves injecting the president's daughter with a Plaga and sending her back home to infect the president and eventually....the world. As Leon's old friend/new nemesis Jack Krauser notes: "A conservative mind wouldn't understand the good that we're doing..." Sick burn, conservatives!

At this point, I imagine that many of you are saying to yourselves, "Alex, this game came out like, three years ago. How come you're just now getting around to finishing it?" Well, friend-o, I'll tell you. First, I didn't get a Gamecube for awhile. I purchased one for the express purpose of playing Resident Evil 4 because I played a demo whilst I was working at Gamestop. I played it pretty steadily, until I got to the freaking scary island facility and the freaking scary regenerators/iron maidens. Regenerators are genetically altered freaks of nature that can't be killed! That is, can't be killed until you get a thermal imaging scope for your sniper rifle. Then you have to shoot the Plagas that are responsible for growing back the creature's limbs after you blow them off with a shotgun.
So, I fought a couple of them, enduring their inhuman mouth-breathing and glowing red eyes for a pretty good amount of time. It was always such a relief when their metabolism sped up and caused them to implode. But there was this one encounter that scared me so bad that I peed a little in my pants and had to stop playing outright. I was faced with a regenerator, I accidentally shot its leg off, it slithered towards me like a giant snake, hopped up, and took a bite out of my shoulder! I couldn't handle the sheer shock of what happened, so I shut off my Gamecube and changed my pants. I didn't touch it again until it came out on the Wii, and decided to give it another go. I manned up, if you will, slaying all manner of Cronenbergian abominations until I stood face to face with Osmund "crazy legs" Saddler himself (well, it was face to face until his head blew up and turned into a scorpion made out of muscle and gravy). I blew his terrorist eyeball-mouth to kingdom come, rescued the president's daughter (on a jetski!), and blew up the island. It was awesome!

Resident Evil 5 is due out sometime next year, and I am stoked to once again play it, get too scared to finish it, and then come back years later for another attempt. It'll feature running zombies, a la 28 Days Later! F***k yeah!

There Is No Shermer, Illinois.

2008-08-26T17:30:00.000-07:00

1. Did you date anyone from your high school? Yes. Her name was Andrea. She was the Antichrist.
2. What kind of car did you drive? I started with the Pony, but a dumptruck ran over it while I was sluffing. Afterwards, I drove a sweet Honda Civic. It had a sunroof!
3. What was the most embarrassing moment of high school? Probably the time I threw up in the drinking fountain outside of my ceramics class. It was only embarrassing because there ended up being some people in the hall that I didn't see before I let loose my vomitous thunder.
4. Where you a party animal? No, but I was an avid party animal rights activist.
5. Were you considered a flirt? Probably not.
6. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? No.
7. Were you a nerd? Depends on whether or not you differentiate between "geek" and "nerd."
8. Were you on any varsity teams? Nope. We just heckled the opposing team at varsity football games.
9. Did you get suspended/expelled? No, but I did own a pair of suspenders.
10. Can you still sing the fight song? They didn't allow fights at my school.
11. Who were your favorite teachers? The ones that didn't suck.
12. Where did you sit during lunch? In the commons. They erected a wolf-like monument on the place where we sat, so as to commemorate our outstanding progress in the field of slacking.
13. What was your school's full name? Riverton International House of Pancakes.
14. School mascot? A stupid silverwolf.
15. Did you go to homecoming? With who? Yes. With the aforementioned Antichrist.
16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? No, but I would like to go back and shoot myself with a paintball gun.
17. What do you remember most about graduation? Going to Denny's around four in the morning and ordering nothing but a grapefruit juice and a vanilla Coke. It was gross.
18. Where did you go on senior skip day? I don't know what that is.
19. Were you in any clubs? No. Nor did I go clubbing.
20. Have you gained some weight since then? I imagine so.
21. Who was your prom date? The aforementioned, aforementioned Antichrist.
22. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? I guess so. My 5 year reunion involved a chocolate fountain, which was lovely.
23. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? Don't be such a moron. Now I'm going to shoot you with a paintball gun.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 3)

2008-08-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

And now, the eagerly awaited final chapter....

So, remember in my last post when I said shit got real on Saturday and Sunday? Well, it did. Our top priority was to hit the Battlestar Galactica (or BSG, to hardcore mutha-frakkers). But a dilemma presented itself: The BSG panel was in ballroom 20, but right before it started, there was a Lost panel in hall H, which we also wanted to see (mainly because Lost is awesome). After some deliberation, we decided to split up. Sheree was going to hold our seats in ballroom 20 (and brave the dreaded spotlight on Dean Koontz that was also scheduled to take place in ballroom 20) while I waited in line to see if the Lost creators decided to reveal any news as to the next season and whatnot. I waited in line for a really long time, and managed to get in to see the ass end of the Lost panel, in which fanboys asked questions that the creators obviously weren't going to answer (i.e. "so uhhh, like, what's the deal with the black smoke thingy?"). At this point, I realized that anything cool that the Lost panel had to offer was had already been doled out, so I made a mad dash back to ballroom 20, hoping against hope that I'd be able to get back to the seats that Sheree was holding (you see, right before the BSG panel was a panel dedicated to Joss Whedon's new TV show Dollhouse. One of the many lessons that I learned at the Con was that everyone there thinks that Joss Whedon is God, hence his panels tend to get overcrowded). I barely squeezed myself in just as the Dollhouse panel started, and was able to reunite with Sheree when it ended. Oh, and it's also important to mention that on my return trip back to ballroom 20, I happened to run into John Cassaday (remember him? He draws Astonishing X-Men and was on the cool EW panel that I mentioned in my first Comic-Con post. I told him that I freaking loved Astonishing X-Men, and he was pretty genuinely cool. Good times).
Right. The BSG panel was boss. Kevin Smith was the moderator, and he introduced the creators (Ronald Moore and David Eick) as well as the principal cast (Tricia Helfer, James Callis, Katee Sackhoff, Michael Trucco, along with unannounced appearances by Jamie Bamber and Tahmoh Penikett). Of all the panels we sat in on, this one (and the Watchmen one) felt like the biggest deal. The final half of the final season will be on next year, and the cast had just finished filming the final episode, so it was kind of awesomely bittersweet to see them talk about their favorite moments on the show (fun fact: most of the cast felt that the scene where Galactica jumps right into the atmosphere of New Caprica and starts launching Vipers was the best moment of the show). Anywho, when they finished up, the whole mass of ballroom 20 stood up to offer them an ovation, to which they replied by standing up and offering the mass their applause. It was a great moment in time.

Afterwards, we decided to go down to see the exhibition floor. Unbeknownst to us, however, was the fact that Saturday is when tons of celebrities hang out at their respective employer's booths and sign autographs. This is when things got crazy awesome, and the exact tale goes something like this:

Sheree and I were navigating our way through the relentless throng of ninjas, pirates, C.O.B.R.A. terrorists, Autobots, and Decepticons when I noticed someone through the crowd. I had to look twice in order to be sure, but as we got closer to the WB booth, there was Nathan Fillion. Since I've been back, I've noticed that a lot of people don't really know who Nathan Fillion is, which is too bad. Oh, and the important part of this story is that Sheree has a huge crush on him. He was one of the three celebrities that Sheree was hoping to meet for riz (the other two being James Franco and James Callis). So we hopped in line to get his autograph (oh, I should mention that he was part of a group that was promoting a new animated Wonder Woman dvd, so we got all of the animators and stuff to sign this Wonder Woman poster). When we got to Mr. Fillion, I readied my camera to take his picture with Sheree, saying "Sheree has a huge crush on you!" to which he replied "Careful! I'll steal her away from you!" which caused Sheree so much joy that she almost threw up. It was dope.
Shortly after this occurrence, we wandered past the Troma booth where Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Entertainment, was talking to some schmuck about making movies. I noticed him and thought it would be cool to get him to sign my Comic-Con badge. So Sheree and I walked over and tried to get a word in, but before I could say anything, Mr. Kaufman walked out of the booth and kissed Sheree on the cheek saying, "All you need for a successful movie is a beautiful woman like this!" and then he wandered back to his booth. Freaking guy didn't even wanna talk to me :(

The last panel of the night was one dedicated to Pineapple Express, which we were really excited about. This one had Judd Apatow with Seth Rogen, James Franco, Danny McBride, Amber Heard, Evan Goldberg, and David Gordon Green. As with anything involving Judd Apatow, this whole panel was crazy funny. Plus, they showed like, five clips from the movie (which looks like it's going to be mindfudgingly good). This was also one of my favorite audience q & a sessions, because Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen would rip into certain people at just the right moments. It was great!

As for Sunday, we spent the entire day in the exhibition hall. Sure, we were looking for cool stuff to buy, but mainly, we wanted to make sure the experience would be fresh in our minds for a long time. When our legs started to hurt, we decided to check out the autograph booths upstairs because the ladies of Evil Dead (Ellen Sandweiss, Betsy Baker, and Theresa Tilley) were there signing autographs, and I thought it would be a cool addition to my Bruce Campbell autographed Army of Darkness poster. Before we get to them, I just want to say that the tables without any lines made me really sad. For example, there was some guy who was in Star Wars: Episode I, but I had no idea who he was. I felt bad because he was sitting there at his table with his little drink, but nobody gave a damn. But, I suppose if you are barely in a movie, you shouldn't expect people to want your autograph. Oh, and even worse were the tables that had Playboy centerfolds from ten years ago. That was just heart-breaking. But I digress. We went and talked to the Evil Dead ladies who were all very nice, so I bought a little picture for them to sign. During the autograph process, one of them asked where we were from and such, and I told them that we were from Utah on our honeymoon. At this, all three of them stopped and looked up. "You decided to come here on your honeymoon?" they asked in unison. At this, we both beamed and were like, "That's right! That's how kickass we are!" and they loved it.

And that's how we wrapped up our experiences at the Con. It was definitely a life-altering experience, and I've been on a geek buzz ever since we've been back. Many times during our trip I realized that a dream had come true, and that dream was this: Visiting the largest and most prestigious comic book convention in the world with my new bride, who is just as geeky as I am.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 2)

2008-07-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

Before I continue my Comic-Con extravaganza, I need to correct a fatal omission about the Thursday movie panels. So, right after the Max Payne panel finishes, the moderator dude was all, "Now we have a special treat for you all...." I was intrigued! So we waited for a few minutes while this guy introduces the mystery guest who turned out to be none other than Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman! He popped in to show us the trailer for his new movie, X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It might be too early to tell, but it looked badass.

Okay, now for the Friday festivities. The big event of the day was the Watchmen panel. We got there pretty early, and still had to wait in a huge freaking line (the lines were amazingly long, but were managed surprisingly well). It ended up being worth it though. Way worth it. Zack Snyder and the entire cast (Malin Akerman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick Wilson, Billy Crudup, Carla Gugino, Jackie Earle Haley, and Matthew Goode) were there to promote the flick, and Mr. Snyder showed the extended trailer not once, but twice! I think it was during this panel when I realized that the cast's interaction with one another on the panel is a good indicator of whether a movie is going to suck or not. They were all funny and charming (especially that Billy Crudup. He's so hot right now), and it made me way stoked to see the movie next year. After that, we went upstairs to peep on the Joss Whedon panel (mainly for the chance to see Nathan Fillion and Neal Patrick Harris. Joss Whedon's kind of a big nerd). We were late getting in because of all the rabid buffy fans, but they were there promoting their online musical called Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which I have downloaded from iTunes but haven't watched yet.

Upon vacating Ballroom 20 (basically everything cool happens in Ballroom 20 and Hall H. Most of our time was spent walking back and forth between these two rooms), we went back to Hall H to see the Star Wars panel, which had some cool clips from the new videogame Force Unleashed (apparently Darth Vader kills the player's father when the player is a little kid. After sensing a strong presence of the Force with the player, he takes him in as an apprentice unbeknownst to Emperor Palpatine. Why unbeknownst? Because Vader wants to overthrow the mutha' f**kin' emperor, that's why!). Then they showed a few clips from the new Clone Wars movie, which (and I know I'm gonna catch hell for this) kinda, sorta, doesn't look as cool as the one Genndy Tartakovsky did for Cartoon Network already. Still, it was cool to see some new stuff.

After that panel, we caught another installment of Entertainment Weekly's "visionaries" series. This one was equally awesome because it involved filmmakers. The panel included Kevin Smith, Judd Apatow, Zack Snyder, and Frank Miller (yet another deuce-droppingly cool lineup, eh?) Though it was cool to see Frank Miller, he appeared like he didn't want to be there too much (Like, duh. He's making his first movie ever. They shoulda had Guillermo Del Toro. That would have kicked ass). I think the best part of this panel was when Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow made fun of each other, blatantly spurning "PG-13" atmosphere that the convention tried so hard to preserve. This served as a warm up for the next panel, which belonged to Kevin Smith and the cast of his upcoming flick Zack and Miri Make a Porno (Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, Justin Long, Jason Mewes, Traci Lords, Katie Morgan, Ricky Mabe, and producer Scott Mosier). Again, they were damned hilarious, and the clips of the movie were pretty good as well (my personal fave was one where Justin Long makes out with Brandon Routh. Not because I'm a homo or anything, but it was pretty funny to see Superman make out with a Mac). All in all, these two panels kind of made me like Kevin Smith again, despite the shit brick that is Jersey Girl.

I'd go on, but I feel that Saturday and Sunday deserve a post dedicated solely to them. Those were the days when shit got real....

Oh, and we did take many pictures, but they were with Kodak disposables. I apologize for the lack of visual stimulation within my blogs. When I get them developed, I'll throw them up here.

Comic-Con Freakout Blast-O-Rama!!!! (Pt. 1)

2008-07-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be honest with you all. It is not possible for me to properly express the affect that attending the San Diego Comic-Con has had on me. At times like these, I wish that I was either a professional journalist or William Shakespeare so that I could fully utilize the power of prose to paint a vivid picture of what I have seen and heard during my time here. So before I go into this, know that the reality of Comic-Con is twenty-seven trillion times more amazing than the paltry scribblings found here.

The sheer amount of bodies was the first thing that Sheree and I noticed as we made our way to the San Diego convention center. Within the pulsing crowd, pretty much every character from every comic book, movie, TV show, video game, and anime series could be found. And as if this wasn't enough of an assault to the senses, we entered the vast geekdom of the exhibition hall. The only way I can even come close to describing the synapses and images that were being fired into my brain at many gigabytes per second is this: Imagine an enclosed space the size of three city blocks packed full of everything that you ever thought was cool in your whole life. Every major movie, comic book, TV, and video game company was present, and best of all, they handed out tons and tons of free crap. Sheree and I just kind of stood in awe of the sights and sounds that were constantly assaulting our fragile senses. After some time, we went upstairs to watch the pilot of J.J. Abrams' new show called Fringe, which looked okay, but the principle of seeing a TV show that isn't going to air until September was pretty awesome.

And thus concluded Wednesday, otherwise known as Preview Night.

On Thursday, Comic-Con officially kicked off. Now, each day at Comic-Con is packed with panels, previews, fan group meetings, and spotlights. They've got about fifteen rooms that each have full programming schedules that last from 10:00 AM to 7:00 PM. So it's important that you plan your day out to maximize your chances of seeing cool stuff. Our day consisted of seeing a preview panel for the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still and Max Payne, followed by another panel for Push (some hack-job movie about psychic soldiers), Knowing (Alex Proyas' new flick about Nic Cage and disaster predictions), and Twilight (the adaptation of Stephanie Meyers' teen vampire book). Here's my critical analysis of what we saw: The Day the Earth Stood Still looks really dumb. It was cool to see Keanu Reeves, but he too is a really dumb guy. Jennifer Connelly managed to address her questions like a normal person, but Mr. Reeves had a tough time explaining what it was like to play an alien who's taken a human body ("It was like, uh, when I looked out of his eyes, I was like, looking out" his exact words. No joke). Overall, not so impressive. The Max Payne panel was much more entertaining. Mark Wahlberg was hilarious, and Mila Kunis was smokin' hot. Ludacris was awesome too. Plus, the footage they showed made me really excited to see the movie. After these two panels, we sat through one for Push, which looked pretty dumb too. The panel was kinda cool (Chris "Human Torch" Evans and Djimon "Blood Diamond" Hounsou were pretty entertaining). Then they brought out Alex Proyas (he directed The Crow, Dark City, and I, Robot) who has some disaster movie with Nicolas Cage called Knowing coming out. The movie looked okay, but I dunno.
The most surprising panel of all was for Twilight. There were a billion screaming teenage girls who were going nuts and all, but most of the cast seemed like they were either drunk or coked out of their minds. It was all very odd, and seeing them twerp it up on stage made me want to not see the movie.
When this concluded, we headed upstairs to see one of the Entertainment Weekly "Visionaries" panels. This particular one involved comic book writers/artists. Let me just give you the panel lineup, and we'll see how fast you crap your pants: Jim Lee, Mike Mignola, Grant Morrison, John Cassaday, Robert Kirkman, Matt Fraction, and Colleen Doran. All of them, in the same room, talking about how comics are awesome. On the negative side, Mike Mignola seemed like kind of an ass, which made me feel bad because Hellboy is so freaking awesome. But Robert Kirkman (he wrote the excellent Walking Dead series), Grant Morrison, Jim Lee, and John Cassaday (he draws Astonishing X-Men) were really pleasant and had some good stuff to say. The whole thing just made me feel happy in my heart.
After this, we made another trip down to the exhibition hall, and there was much rejoicing.

And thus concluded Thursday, otherwise known as day 1 of Comic-Con International.

To be continued with days 2, 3, and 4....

Only a Fortnight's Time!

2008-07-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

It looks like it's been just about a month since I last left y'all with a mindblowing nugget of self-indulgent pop culture criticism or even a convoluted and overspecific "top 10" list. Just how in the hell have you all survived?

Sheree and I are getting married in about two weeks. Before I say anything else, I want you all to know that I am extremely excited for the actual wedding day. It's going to be so awesome that I can hardly stand it. But, in order to get to the extremely awesome wedding day, preparations have had to be made. Now, contrary to the way wedding planning goes in the movies, it takes a long time and everything about it is the worst thing in the world. I think that we're pretty much good to go at this point, save a few minor details that have to be arranged before July 18. It's going to be fun to see how everything meshes together, and it will be excellent to have these preparation pains behind us so that we can enjoy the married life among peace, quiet, and good tilled earth.

Now, for the sake of my own feelings of nostalgia about the time Sheree and I have spent together, I'd like to recount some cool moments that we have experienced:

1. So, there was this one time when we went to see The Strokes at In The Venue (which is a crappy name for a venue, bee-tee-doubleyou). On our way to Salt Lake City, a blue pickup truck spun out of control while trying to exit on to the I-215 belt route. Using my superior reflexes, I was able to dodge the oncoming vehicle, and get us safely to see one of the greatest bands in the world rock our socks off (side note: at this particular concert, The Strokes performed a cover of Lou Reed's "Take A Walk on the Wildside." Not a dry eye in the house). After the show, we walked back to my trusty VW Jetta that was docked within the bowels of Gateway Mall's parking garage, and we passed a vehicle in witch two people (or I guess it could have been one person) were copulating. It was a hell of a night.

2. Our first conversation was pretty awesome as well. It was many a year ago, in our History of Rock 'N Roll class. I noticed Sheree's amazing magenta hair and said to myself, "Wow. She's pretty much awesome." I spent most of the class thinking of something cool to say to her, but all I could come up with was, "So...how'd you get your hair that color?" Luckily, Sheree was a pretty accomplished conversationalist, and we talked about everything from John Hughes movies to the Utah Jazz while we walked to our next classes. It was this conversation that allowed Sheree to creep into my mind as one of the most fascinating people that I had ever met, which has been responsible for our continued and spine-crushingly cool relationship.

3. The first movies that we watched together helped forge us into the solid union that we are today. On our second date, we went to see The Incredibles. A short while later, I brought Kill Bill Vol. 1 over to watch on her couch. I did this because I knew that I'd have to bring Kill Bill Vol. 2 over the next night, so's we could continue getting makey-outey on her couch.
Our first full-blown movie marathon involved the Scream trilogy, a six pack of apple beer, and a chicken pesto pizza from Pier 49.
Around Christmas time, IFC was having a "very Freddy Christmas" and was showing A Nightmare on Elm Street followed by Wes Craven's New Nightmare, which we also beheld. Subsequent Christmases were dedicated to White Christmas, which is more appropriate. On New Year's, we were both in the mood to chill out rather than go down town. So we got some chips and sodas together, and we rang in the new year with a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
And let's not forget that during the midnight showing of Batman Begins, I asked Sheree to be my wife. Now, our wedding date will coincide with the release of The Dark Knight. Here's to the movies, babe.

I could go on and on about how awesome Sheree is, and how much fun we are going to have as swinging newlyweds, but I'll close up for now. 7-18-08! Awwwww yeeeaaah.

Attack of the Alphabet!

2008-06-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

A-Attached or single: Attached. Though I consider myself more of an attache.
B-BFF: Sheree. She's so hot right now.
C-Cake or pie: I think i'll have to side with pie, mainly because of the pecan/pumpkin variety.
D-Day: Yes, it is.
E-Essential item: My Batman watch. The grappling hook has gotten me out of many a tight spot.
F-Favorite color: Red?
G-Gummy bears or worms: Worms. They were instrumental in getting me to stop eating real worms.
H-Home town: The Riverton.
I-Indulgences: Comic books, Chik-Fil-A, and calligraphy.
J-January or July: July. It's going to be a good one.
K-Kids: Baby goats.
L-Life is incomplete without: Sheree.
M-Marriage date: July 18, 2008! That's why July's going to be a good one!
N-Number of siblings: 3. They're my older brothers.
O-Oranges or apples: I like oranges. After you eat one, your hands smell all orangey.
P-Phobias or fears: Cylon tricks, chainsaw-wielding serial murderers, lobotomies, the cave people from The Descent, and leprosy.
Q-Quote: "The Dude abides." --The Big Lebowski
R-Reason to smile: I have all of my limbs.
S-Season: Autumn. It's all about my birthday, Halloween, and Thanksgiving.
T-Tag three: No! Well, everyone I would tag has been tagged.
U-Unknown fact about me: I cannot be harmed by conventional weapons.
V-Vegetarian or oppressor of animals: Oppressor! I can't get enough of their tasty innards.
W-Worst habit: Eating animal innards.
X-X-rays or ultrasounds: Aren't they like, the same thing?
Y-Your favorite food: Pasta, pot-stickers, a good burger, and cheesecake.
Z-Zodiac sign: Libra

Checkmate, Mr. Eko

2008-05-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Last night, I sat myself down for a heaping helping of Lost. It was the two-hour season 4 finale, and it was indeed gratifying! I've found myself letting this show sneak into my all-time top five, and it might even be competing with Twin Peaks for coolest TV show in the history of the world.
I know that there are a lot of haters out there. Lots of people who think the show is "overrated" or who have been known to say, "I just couldn't get into it." I have but one thing to say to such haters: "Pull your heads out of your collective asses!" I know that these haters only rag on the show because it's mainstream and popular, and to certain forms of life, anything that is mainstream and popular must be sucky. Though that can be said about many things (cough cough...Indy 4...cough cough), there are TV shows, movies, books, and music that completely deserve all the popularity they get. Lost is a good example of this anomaly.
Now, in honor of the season finale, I give you my ten most extreme Lost moments:

10. Nathan Fillion: Lost has had its share of contributors. Many actors/actresses have come and gone throughout the twisted tale of Oceanic 815. But none so cool as Mr. Fillion. He appeared during one of Kate's flashbacks as Kevin Callis, a man that Kate was dating and eventually married! This was an awesome moment because Nathan Fillion is, himself, awesome. I was excited to see him pop up and do his thing for Lost, and it gave me another reason to be bugged by Kate, who leaves him behind in pursuit of her personal demons. Anyone who dumps Mr. Fillion is kind of a moron, in my opinion.

9. Penny and Desmond: I think a lot of people get caught up in the love triangle among Jack, Kate, and Sawyer, but I kinda got tired of thinking about who Kate should end up with. Instead, I liked to focus on the other relationships on the Island. Sun and Jin are cool, Sayid and Nadia are cool but tragic, Hurley and Libby were cute but kind of weird, etc. But the coolest relationship of all is that of Penny and Desmond. I thought they had a good thing going in previous seasons, but there were two episodes of season 4 that made me want them to live happily ever after. First was in the episode called "The Constant" when Desmond fell victim to an involuntary bout with time travel. The past form of Daniel Faraday told him that he had to find some kind of anchor that would keep his mind from spinning out of control, and that anchor was Penny. He managed to make arrangements in the past so that he could call Penny in the future, thus preserving his sanity. The second moment took place in last night's finale, when they finally came upon Penny's boat and the two were totally reunited. This was extra cool because I was pretty sure that Desmond was going to die somehow.

8. 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42: These numbers are present throughout the show, and stuff like this intrigues me. Hurley is the one who seems to be most involved with these numbers, mainly because he thinks they are cursed. The reason for this is because he played these numbers in a lottery and won. As a result, he was on the plane that crashed and from then on he noticed them in strange places all over the Island. Wanna know what's even more crazy? Before he won the lottery, he heard someone mumbling about these numbers while he was in a mental institution. The person he heard mumbling ended up being a soldier who intercepted them in a longwave transmission while stationed at a military listening post. Most recently, Hurley encountered the numbers on the odometer of a car that his dad restored for his birthday. What???

7. "Not Penny's Boat": The season 3 finale was pretty awesome. Many things made it awesome. One of the more exceedingly awesome events took place when Charlie drowned. Charlie made contact with the freighter that was offshore, and made the startling discovery that it wasn't one of Penny's. As soon as he made this discovery, the crazy Russian Other swam by and shot out the window, causing water to rush in. Since Charlie couldn't get out, his last moments were spent writing the words "not Penny's boat" on his hand so he could show Desmond through the door's window. Though I'm not sure Charlie had to let himself die, it made the concept of finding out who the freak was sending freighters after them pretty intriguing.

6. Move the Island? What?: One of the more significant instances of mindfudgery that took place last night was the event in which Ben teleported the entire Island somewhere that has yet to be specified. That's really all I can say about it.

5. What's a Flash Forward?: Yet another instance of WTF from the season 3 finale. So, all through the show, there's been these flashbacks involving all of the characters and building up their stories. In the season 3 finale, we see one of these depicting Jack as a drug-addled misanthrope sporting an awesomely ugly beard. At first, you figure this is just a dark point in Jack's past and that it'll reveal something significant. But as the episode ends, freaking Kate drives up to meet him outside an airport. They start talking, and Jack's all "Kate! We have to go back! We weren't supposed to leave! Beard! Drugs!" The shock was so vicious that I was comatose for at least two days.

4. The Swan: During season 2, Locke was out hunting boars or something when he discovered something metallic buried in the ground. He dug around it and discovered that it was a door that led to an underground hatch. He showed his discovery to pretty much everyone, but Hurley freaked out when he noticed the cursed lotto numbers engraved on the door, so he ran off. Eventually everyone but Locke lost interest in the hatch, but there was this moment when he was lying on top of the door looking downwards through the window. Suddenly, Locke's face becomes illuminated as an unknown party flips on a light somewhere downstairs. It's moments like these that present the sense of wonder and fascination with the unknown that has become the core of the Lost universe.

3. Claire and the Psychic: I wanna start this off by saying that I hate Claire. But there was an instance in her back story that still freaks me out. Since she was gonna have a kid out of wedlock and all, she was thinking about adoption. But one day her friend persuaded her to visit a psychic. When he took Claire's hands to look into the future, he gets all disturbed and repeats, "No one but you can raise this baby." Claire is weirded out, but kind of trusts this guy's visions. So a few days later, the psychic dude contacts her, apologizes, and says that he knows a family in California who will take care of her baby. He gives her a plane ticket, and guess what? It's for Oceanic Flight 815, fated to crash on the mysterious Island. Now, the reason why this moment is number 3 on the list is because freaking Kate has Claire's baby! This psychic revelation still has some significance as to what's in store for future seasons.

2. Episode 1: I believe I've already mentioned the haters. The haters who have seen the first episode and weren't totally swept up in some of the craziest stuff to have ever been broadcast on national TV. Personally, if you watch the first episode of Lost and are not totally awed by it's two-fisted awesome, then you must have had a frontal lobotomy. Or maybe some form of traumatic head injury. It starts off with an intense plane crash, complete with explosions, shards of debris, and screaming passengers. Then, five minutes after Jack gets everyone calmed down, they start hearing really loud and eerie noises emanating from the jungle. A bit longer into the episode, the pilot gets yanked off screen by some unseen beast, and showers the wreckage with blood. And then? Polar bears! How can you not see all this stuff and say, "my life will not be complete until I figure out what's happening on this island." How?

1. Jacob: The revelation of this character was among the most creepifying moments ever caught on film. I think it takes place in season 3 when Locke decides to stay with the Others and learn more about the Island. Ben takes Locke to this dilapidated cabin surrounded by a ring of sand or ash. When Locke asks what they're doing, Ben explains that they're going to meet a man named Jacob. So they enter the cabin. It appears to be uninhabited, but after a few minutes, the furniture starts to shake and a voice that sounds like it was pulled directly from the Black Lodge moans, "Help me." Yeesh. I still get chills thinking about that shiz.

And there it is. Way to go, Lost. Way to not suck.

Growing Up Sucks.

2008-05-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

I know that many of you have probably not seen the new Indiana Jones movie (a bunch of us went to see a midnight show early this morning), so if you want to be surprised and stuff, maybe it's a good idea to skip over this entry until you've seen it.

For those of you who are still here, let me rap with you for just a minute. I'm going to assume that most of you have a special place in your hearts for the Indiana Jones trilogy (even Temple of Doom in its awesome suckiness). I also think that I wouldn't be too far off when I assume that this special place is also home to the original Star Wars trilogy. For me, these six movies defined what it meant to watch a bona-fide adventure movie. As a kid watching them, I remember getting entirely swept up in the story, the characters, and the locales; and as an adult re-watching them, I feel like they have withstood the test of time. Even cooler is the ability they have to remind me of a childhood in which I made many happy memories for myself by letting these movies capture my imagination.
Obviously, with this kind of geek incubation, I was super excited when, way back in the day, George Lucas announced the creation of three new Star Wars movies that take place before the originals. The prospect of revisiting old characters and discovering new ones within a universe that I revered and loved made me get all warm and fuzzy inside. Finally, the day came when Episode I hit theaters. My friends and I camped in line with a hundred other equally excited geeks and spent the night debating the modifications to the "special edition" trilogy and arguing about which manifestation of Princess Leia was hotter. The little nerdy kids in us were back in control.
Then Episode I had to completely suck. Darth Maul provided a modicum of badass, but only enough to demonstrate what might have been. Even as a high school student with a heavy bias towards anything that had to do with lightsabers and TIE fighters, I felt a bit disappointed. Though Episodes II and III were better than the first, they're still pretty awful. How could the original trilogy be so awesome and timeless while the new trilogy reached new levels of banality? I have deliberated on this question for some time, and I think the answer is this: George Lucas has sold his soul to Satan. Gone are the days when his passion for filmmaking alone fueled him through the difficulties and naysaying that plagued him during production of the original trilogy. The new trilogy is a perfect reflection of something great that has made an unholy bargain with Evil in order to make a quick buck. They're soulless, trite, and were only successful because of the legions of geeks who found solace on the Millennium Falcon as little nerdlings. We were all exploited, and something sacred has been profaned.

Such is the case with Indy 4. The little excited kid in me was viciously kicked in the teeth as one of my all time greatest movie heroes pranced around like a poorly animated cartoon character. Though at times the movie veered close to its original ass-kicking territory, it was mostly just painful and sad. After close to twenty years of time to write something awesome for Indy, we get this load of sci-fi garbage?
After having this one last hope dashed, I have come to realize that Lucas and Spielberg have officially allied themselves with the Sith by sacrificing some of their best work to the dark gods of CGI, box office revenue, and merchandising.

Hopefully this will cheer us up:

You Can Make a Difference!

2008-05-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, this might be an exercise in futility, but how many of you know who Uwe Boll is? I'm sure most of you do. First, he looks like this. Second, and probably most important, he directs extremely awful and terrifyingly crappy movies. Third, all of his movies have been based on sub-par video games.
The reason I'm posting this is because I stumbled upon an online petition that people can sign in order to get Mr. Boll to stop making movies. Apparently the obnoxiously overconfident director has claimed that if the petition racks up one million names, he will retire (so far, names on the list are in the neighborhood of 274,000). Anywho, here's the link to said petition. If you're a fan of video games, horror, or just movies in general, you know that Uwe Boll must be stopped at all costs. Sign the petition, and tell your friends to sign it. In the name of good taste, free refills, and the future of our children, it's time to mobilize against such tyranny.

Thank you.

Cool Stuff This Week

2008-05-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

Over the past week I have been fortunate to partake of some cool things. I would like, if I may, to share some of these cool things with you.

Cool Thing #1: Iron Man
Why It's Cool: I'm talking about the new movie starring Robert Downey, Jr. and directed by Jon Favreau (he's so money, he doesn't even know it). Sheree wrote a fine piece about how awesome this movie was, and since I pretty much always agree with her (because we're so compatible. Not because I'm scared of her), I found it to be quite bad ass. I've always secretly liked Iron Man. I mean, I've never bought any Iron Man comics or anything, but he was one of my favorite characters to play as in Marvel Ultimate Alliance on my once again defunct xbox 360 (that's twice, dammit!). I'm pretty sure I used him, Blade, Deadpool, and Dr. Strange to whoop Dr. Doom's ass at the end. So I respect the man.
I also respect that he's an alcoholic womanizer who becomes noble after a near-death experience involving terrorists. Given that backstory, Robert Downey, Jr. was perfect to play the part. He's good looking, charismatic, and--most important--deeply fractured. I'm glad the movie embraced these qualities of Tony Stark and built off of them. Getting to the core of a character who decides to adopt another persona and fight crime is extremely important to a comic book-inspired movie. In fact, I would argue that the comic book movies that have utterly sucked(Ghost Rider, Daredevil, Batman & Robin, Fantastic Four, X-Men 3) did so because they neglected to dig into the primary character. With comics, there's always a lot more going on beneath the hero's exterior. It's more than just action sequences and CGI.

Cool Thing #2: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Why It's Cool: It's a hyperactive spin on the lives of twentysomething hipsters that is heavily influenced by video games, anime, and indie music. Scott Pilgrim is just 23 year old dude who is in a moderately cool band called "Sex Bob-Omb." His life gets messed up when he meets this chick named Ramona Flowers who randomly shows up in his dreams. When they finally meet, Scott is dating a high school girl named Knives Chau who he must break up with in order to hook up with the rollerblading bohemian queen Ramona. But that's not all. In addition to breaking an unstable girl's heart, Scott must now battle Ramona's seven evil ex-boyfriends in order to secure Ramona as his girlfriend.
I've read three volumes of this tale, and have found it to be quite amusing. Scott's battles with Ramona's ex-boyfriends merge the boundaries of everyday hipster life with insane and frenetic Japanese fighting games (such as Street Fighter 2 and Tekken). What I'm really liking about this series is that at the heart of the manic and ridiculous battles, the author (Bryan Lee O'Malley) touches on some important ideas about love, commitment, and the amount of baggage people are stuck with after being dumped.

Cool Thing #3: The Frenchy Salad
Why It's Cool: The Frenchy is this salad they make at Toasters, which is a sandwich place across the street from the Salt Palace. I've been going to Toasters for awhile, since it's not far from my work, and it's really good food. Lately, I've been trying to eat less lard and more vegetables, and Toasters has aided me in this process. The Frenchy is an amazing accomplishment in the medium of saladsmithing. At it's core, it's just lettuce, tomatoes, and cucumbers. But the awesome Feta vinaigrette dressing coupled with the big chunks of Swiss and Provolone cheese are what make this salad so good that it deserves to be on a list with Iron Man and Scott Pilgrim.

Cool Thing #4: Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow
Why It's Cool: I know that this Nintendo DS game is quite old, but I have started to replay it recently, and it's so freaking sweet. Ever since our old 8-bit NES system, I have had a soft spot in my heart for the Castlevania games (except for the N64 ones. They just felt wrong to me). In this particular installment, you play a dude (who actually looks like a chick) named Soma Cruz. Soma was introduced in Aria of Sorrow, which was on the GBA (also pretty cool). You assault Dracula's castle armed with a dagger and your ability to consume the souls of the monsters you fight in order to use their abilities.
I won't go on about the storyline, but it's important that you know how awesome Castlevania games are.

Cool Thing #5: Kick-Ass
Why It's Cool: As if the name didn't say it all! Yes, this is another comic book that is cool (what can I say? It's been a good week for comics). As far as the story goes, it's another tale about a dorky teenager who dons a homemade costume to try his own luck at fighting crime. The cool thing about this one is the writer (Mark Millar. He wrote Civil War which was rad) has chosen to place his character into situations that I think are more authentic than the generic superhero fare. No supervillains, just everyday taggers and Puerto Rican gangs. On his fist venture to stop crime, Kick-Ass is brutally beaten and stabbed. Second time? He gets hit by a car. Despite the brutality, it's pretty damn funny. I promptly added it to my list of titles for my subscription box at Night Flight Comics!

Cool Thing #6: Iron Sky
Why It's Cool: just watch this super awesome trailer. I have no idea if this movie will see the shores of Utah, but it looks wicked.

Where Do You Keep Your Coffin?

2008-05-01T09:35:00.001-07:00

Those of you who are super-observant may notice that I have added a super-sweet poll to my blog! Let me enlighten you as to its purpose.
It all started when I was a little kid, maybe around 7 or 8 years old. I had what some may call an "early exposure to violent horror films at a young age." I vividly remember watching movies such as The Fly, House, Nightmare on Elm Street, and The Lost Boys which, having re-watched them since, I found to be way too messed up for a little tyke such as myself. Among this plethora of monsters and madmen, one particular film stands out to me. This movie was about as influential on my developing psyche as The Wizard of Oz and Follow That Bird. This movie was called... Fright Night! I suspect that most of you have seen it (since I either grew up in the same house with you or have sat you down and forced you to watch it with me).
It's about this snot-nosed, horny teenager named Charley Brewster who notices that all of these strange murders have coincided with the appearance of a his new neighbor, Jerry Dandridge. Being the paranoid horror movie geek that he is, he starts spying on his neighbor and his encounters with the local escort service. He sees that Jerry has fangs and abnormally long fingers, which immediately tips him off. The thing that sucks is that Jerry now knows that Charley knows about him. So, the movie is about how Charley chooses to deal with the situation. He goes to the cops, but makes the foolish mistake of telling them that a vampire is living next to him, which (duh) no one believes. He ends up enlisting the help of Peter Vincent (he's kinda like Peter Cushing from the old Hammer Dracula movies) who hosts a TV show called "Fright Night" (ironic, isn't it?) to help him battle Jerry and his undead manservant.
Anywho, it's a pretty awesome movie. I think that I must have watched it fifty or so times as a kid. I can't really say why this particular horror movie didn't freak me out to the point of tears like so many others, but I remember liking it for that reason. It was like a safe foray into a world that terrified and fascinated me.
Plus, the soundtrack is kind of awesome. If anybody knows where I can find it, that would be righteous.

Speaking of music, I just got Portishead's new album. The only thing that I can really say about it is this: It's a collection of songs that you have always wanted to hear, and eleven years was far too long to wait for such awesomeness.

Oh, and this semester is finally over! Shit yeah!

7/23/08

2008-04-23T18:31:00.000-07:00

It's Legal for Zombies to Practice Cannibalism

2008-04-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I think zombies are awesome. It's awesome how they eat brains, it's awesome that since 28 Days Later, zombies run really fast, and it's awesome to fight zombies in Resident Evil 4. So, in honor of the awesomeness of zombies, here are two movie trailers to upcoming zombie films that will probably fall under the category of "shittingly good."

Sweet! In honor of the sustainability of the zombie movie, here's an obligatory "Top 5" list:

5. Night of the Living Dead: I guess this one has to go on any list of zombie movies that's worth a damn. George Romero's gutsy decision to cast an African American protagonist in the 60's is only matched by his gutsy decision to show a little girl zombie kill her parents with a putty knife. Plus, zombie movies are cool when they're in black and white.
4. Shaun of the Dead: Not only did I find this British zombie flick effing hi-larious, it was also pretty scary and emotional at parts. It presented an awesome parody on a lot of classic zombie flicks, and did it in a way that didn't suck.
3. Dawn of the Dead (2004): I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this movie's awesomeness elsewhere in the haunted corridors of my blog, so I'll just say that 50% of this movie's genius can be found in the opening credits which sets forth a barrage of brutal news footage involving the undead to "When the Man Comes Around" by Johnny Cash.
2. 28 Days Later: I mean come on! Running zombies? Zombies that actually could pose a threat to your bodily well-being? Zombies that pursue you with all the vigor and rage of a soccer mom in rush hour traffic? Bloody brilliant. I'd also give props to Cilian Murphy and how he rescues his compatriots from a deranged group of soldiers using a combination of cognizant zombie infiltration and his own pissedness.
1. Evil Dead 2: Pure, unadulterated badass! Ash is one of my all-time favorite characters in all of moviedom. I like this one the best because it was with me during some pretty hard times growing up in the Riverton 'hood. I almost teared up during the "Doc Ock hospital scene" in Spider Man 2 which was a total throwback to Sam Raimi's days exploring that haunted cabin in the woods.

And let's close with a suggestion from The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. According to Brooks, the best item that you can have with you in the event of a zombie holocaust is a good ol' crowbar. The logic behind this suggestion is that a crowbar is not only a trusty tool in dispatching the undead (it's all about blunt trauma!), but it will also help you break into boarded up structures, open crates, and you can even use a crowbar to open canned food!

Makes sense to me!

Ruminations on the Magic Kingdom

2008-04-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

Though there are many great and wonderful things about visiting Disneyland, here are some of the things that I noticed during a recent visit.
First, I really like how Disneyland smells. That sounds strange and all, but when you walk down Main St., making your way to Mickey's Castle, your nose gets assaulted by all of these awesome whiffs. You've got the ice cream parlor whipping out waffle cones and brewing hot fudge, the fruit stand that smells like pineapple and grapes, and the kitchenwares shop that smells like hot chocolate. Not to mention the churro and cotton candy stands that are strategically positioned throughout the park. Churros and cotton candy have two of the best smells ever.
The one unfortunate thing about having so many good smells is that every now and again you get a quick and brutal whiff of vomit at very random spots. I think that this is so in order to preserve the cosmic balance by presenting some kind of opposition to all of the awesome smells, so it doesn't bother me too much.
Second, there are two foods that are always mindblowing at Disneyland. The pineapple juice float and the mighty turkey leg. Although on this particular venture, Sheree and I did not feast upon turkey leg, we did get pineapple juice floats outside the tiki room, and there was much rejoicing.
Third, New Orleans Square. There's this part right before you walk down the alley leading to the Blue Bayou and Le Bat En Rouge where if you stand and just look upwards, you have a feeling like you've been transported to another time. There are a lot of these vortexes around Disneyland (which I think is why it's so popular. One gets addicted to the escapism Disneyland provides), but this is the one that I always remember.
Fourth, Disneyland was not very busy this time around. The last time we went to Disneyland, the streets were choked with people. I mean choked! When it gets this crowded, Disneyland tends to piss me off. But this time around, the crowd was totally manageable and we never waited more than twenty minutes for a ride.
Fifth, I didn't have a sunburn-induced blister the size of a tennis ball on my leg. As many of you know, the first time I went to Disneyland with Sheree and her family, I got this mutant blister from a sunburn on my ankle. At the time I was too disgusted and ashamed to take a picture, but now I wish that I did just so I could show everyone. I named it Wilhelmina.
Yup, Disneyland is pretty much awesome. It was a great trip, and it took my mind off of all the stupid finals and crap that I have due in the next few weeks. You're a good man, Walt.

Urban Recon Mission #3729-X, Codename: Eyeballman

2008-04-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

So there was this one time when I was driving from my job at ArtTix to my class up at the University of Utah when I noticed a giant eyeball staring at me from inside a book store on about 200 w. and 300 s. Intrigued by the presence of this giant eyeball, I quickly looked upwards slightly so as to discern the name of this establishment that so blatantly displays giant eyeballs in their windows. The place was called "Red Light Books" and I noticed a list of their sundries beneath the store's name: books, cds, movies, and comics. I was intrigued. I already like all four of those things, but throw in a giant eyeball and I'm sold. I didn't have time to stop and check it out, so I made a mental note to go sometime in the near future. That sometime just happened to take place this afternoon...

I popped a quarter into the parking meter outside which gave me 15 minutes to skulk around inside (I think that you have to skulk in a place like this, otherwise you'll be found out and sacrificed to Astaroth). The store was indeed dingy, complete with that dingy store smell, but it added to its oppressively creepy ambiance. The walls were decked out with circa 1970's movie posters (Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, Charles Bronson stuff) as well as some bizarre local (at least I think it was local) art of the headless-baby-doll-with-many-nails-poked-through-its-plastic-body variety, as well as some abstract portraits of Josef Stalin and Jeffrey Dahmer (I'm not making this up). Of course, I was both repulsed and attracted. I made a quick survey of their wares, which were indeed books, cds, movies, and comics, but damn...this was some crazy weird stuff. For starters, I noticed one book titled The Erotic Art of Olaf which really needs no further description, and another called Cinema Sewer: The Adult's Only Guide to History's Sickest and Sexiest Movies. As I skimmed over the other titles, I began to get a little worried that hanging out in the books section for too long would brand me as some kind of sexual deviant. So I decided to check out the movies. They didn't have many movies. I almost bought Wes Craven's The Last House On the Left because it was only eight bucks, but I remembered that I was on a strict recon mission and didn't want to blow my cover. Growing tired of spinning the VHS movie towers around, I skulked over to the music section. I learned on MySpace that the proprietor of this store is also in charge of an indie record label that I can only assume specializes in proto-goth-industrial-speed-thrash-metal-core. I made one more sweep around, had a look at the T-Shirts (which were touting many of the names of the bands whose cds I wasn't buying), and decided that my 15-minute recon mission should come to a close. As I left, I nodded congenially to some gangly bohemeans that were bringing a drum kit in from outside, and was glad to be wearing my Stabby McKnife t-shirt because of the hipster camouflage it provides.
Though this place didn't exactly have anything that I would particularly want to buy, I remain intrigued at its existence because I thought stores like this only happened in the movies. Perhaps next Saturday I'll check out the "dismal ululations of black ritual noise" show and see if Black Seas of Infinity, Ghastly Hatchling, Night Terror, and The Tenants of Balthazar's Castle can't depress me into a puddle of emo-goth mascara.

Buckshot Is My Bread

2008-03-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I bogarted Sheree's newest issue of Paste magazine (which is a totally awesome publication). In said bogarted issue, a dude named Matt Price interviewed Gnarls Barkley about their new CD (which is pretty cool, incidentally). He told the dynamic duo about the story that went on in his head while listening to their new album, titled "The Odd Couple," and it went exactly like this:

“I think The Odd Couple is the soundtrack for a tortured superhero.” They [Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo] look at me and nod politely. For reasons still unknown to me, I continue: “Yeah, when I heard the album this morning, I felt like I was listening to a story about a very lonely superhero who raced from planet to planet looking for someone to love. At one point, I even saw myself as the superhero, and I was floating underwater looking up at the moon through the water, and I was feeling overwhelmed by the pressure of being who I was destined to be and the sadness that no-one could help me with that.”

When I read this, I thought that it was cool how the interviewer wasn't ashamed of the story that shaped itself in his head as a result of this album. These kinds of things are usually too personal to reveal to just anyone, let alone the group that made the album. I mean, what if they punch you in the face?
This gives me confidence because I too have listened to certain albums and had a story develop in my brain. Allow me to share one such example:

The Band: Murder By Death
The Album: Who Will Survive, And What Will Be Left of Them?
Pt. 1 "The Devil In Mexico" On a piss-poor afternoon in some nameless hellhole of a bar, a grizzled Drifter sits at a dark table in the corner drinking shot after shot of whiskey. At dusk, a Stranger enters. The other patrons shift uncomfortably, trying to shake the feeling of eerie recognition that floods their veins and makes their neck hairs tingle. The Stranger sits at the bar without ordering anything, and strikes up an amiable conversation with the town smithy who happens to be at the stool to the Stranger's right. The Stranger's voice seems hypnotic, and a crowd soon gathers around him. After a few minutes, the entire bar has become swept up in the Stranger's masterful oratory--everyone except for the Drifter. He remained at his dark table, his gaze steadily fixed on the amiable Stranger. The Drifter's hand slid down to the six-shooter at his side and loosened it from his holster. The cold nights and unforgiving days he'd endured have led up to this moment. He was going to murder the Devil.
After money had changed hands amongst the patrons, the amiable Stranger got up to bid the place farewell. The Drifter's heart quickened and his breath grew short. As the Stranger walked out the door, he briefly paused, as if he knew what was going to happen next. At that moment, the Drifter drew his gun and shot the Stranger three times in the back. The Stranger lurched forward and hit the ground, coughing up dark blood. The other patrons were petrified and for some reason, nobody knew quite how to react. The Drifter reloaded his weapon and stepped over the stranger's dead body. As he left, he was heard to say, "Someone say a Hail Mary for this house."
Pt. 2 "Three Men Hanging" Following the events that transpired at that hellhole of a bar somewhere in Nogales, the Drifter's path became cursed. The sun never shined on the Drifter, and the road from Tucson to San Antonio was flanked by ditches overflowing with dead and rotting memories. He took to drinking only whiskey, as it occasionally helped dispel the ghostly faces from haunting the corners of his mind. He had thought that he'd done right by murdering the Devil. But now that his footsteps were tormented by the wails and coughs of dead sinners, he realized that he'd violated some incomprehensible law...and he was being punished for it.
The Drifter walked mile after tormented mile until he noticed a knotted sycamore tree off in the distance. He made his way towards the tree, crashing through the bone-dry sagebrush and kicking up clouds of dust. When he got close, he saw that three dead men were hanging from the ancient branches by their broken necks. Even after witnessing the horrors that had wandered from his nightmares and into his waking moments, the sight of these three hanging corpses filled the Drifter with cold and dread. A ghoulish wind swept through the brown sycamore leaves, and suddenly the three corpses were facing the Drifter. One of them lifted his head, and the Drifter winced at the sound of grinding bone.
"Get on with it..." said the first corpse in a hollow voice. At this, the second and third corpses raised their heads to speak.
"Put off the fuss, you chickenshit...."
"Can't you see it's time to quit?" The Drifter sank to his knees, and for the first time since he had murdered the Devil, took his gun into his hands. He knew that he was doomed to walk this never-ending nightmare for the rest of his life and thought to himself, "If I put this revolver to my head, will God also turn against me? Or will he find pity on this lost and broken man?" The Drifter pressed the barrel to his temple and pulled the trigger. He felt the gun go off, but he was still alive. He cocked his weapon again and pulled the trigger. Again, the gun fired, but the Drifter's head was still intact. He tried a third time, with the same result. That's when he felt a storm coming from behind him. A dark cloud of dust and flies was cutting its way through the desert, heading straight for him.
Pt. 3 "Pillars of Salt" The Drifter stood up to face the misty form that had now made its way to the sycamore tree. The amiable Stranger's voice emanated from inside the cloud of insects.
"I gotta hand it to you, boy...ain't nobody shot me in the back and lasted this long. Guess I gotta give credit where credit's due. But that don't mean you get out of this, boy. You think you've suffered? Well you ain't seen shit yet. The pain won't set in for a long, long time. I'll leave a trail of fire across this desert just to see the desperation in your eyes." The Drifter threw his gun down and looked upwards. He was heard to remark, "That crown don't make you a prince," before he was turned into a pillar of salt which was swept away by the cloud of flies.
Epilogue "The End of the Line" As for that town somewhere in Nogales, the amiable Stranger made one more appearance. The cursed ground that caught drops of his blood was swallowed up in the desert sands, and no records can be found of the town's existence. All that remains is a clay pot with a tree of barbed wire growing upwards to heaven, and even this (so it is said) is only visible to those who bear the burden of a cursed soul.

Toast to Comics

2008-03-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

To Ben,

It's on like Diddy Kong.

Comics Toast

2008-03-18T07:54:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to discuss some sweet comics that I have recently read. First, there was Charles Burns' 70's high school freakout, Black Hole, and second was Gerard Way's and Gabrial Ba's Parisian dysfunctional superhero family drama, The Umbrella Academy.
Black Hole is about a group of high school kids circa 1970 who deal with the outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease that they call "the bug." The disease isn't lethal or anything, but it does cause its host to display weird physical characteristics (molting skin, weird boils, a tail, etc.). So you think, "If this weird venereal disease is going around and everyone knows about it, why are these kids still having sex?" But that's when you remember that in real life there are all kinds of bizarre STD's going around and despite knowing about them, people still have lots of unprotected sex. It's the teenage sense of invincibility coupled with the teenage reality of alienation that provides the basis of Burns' work.
The main body of the story focuses on a few key characters that go through a series of love triangles, bad trips, and eventually some murders only to realize that the best thing to do is grab someone you love and hit the road. In the background is this weird disease that has disfigured some of the kids so badly that they run away from home and take up residence in the woods.
Altogether, it's a really weird look back at high school that manages to capture the confusion, pain, lust, and frustration that comes with adolescence. I heard that David Fincher is going to do a movie adaptation of this book, and it'll be interesting to see what he does with it.
This is one that Ben lent me, and I must say that despite my hatred for My Chemical Romance, Gerard Way is a pretty good comic book writer. The Umbrella Academy is the story of seven extraordinary children that become adopted by a dude named The Monocle so he can train them to protect the world. Flash forward about twenty years, and The Monocle has died. His adopted kids, now grown up and embittered about the harsh childhood that they endured, show up for his funeral and hesitantly reconnect just in time to save the world from a psychotic composer and his orchestra of madmen, murderers, and malcontents bent on the destruction of the world.
I give this one props on the awesome narrative, but I do think that Mr. Way was just a tad overambitious. There's a lot of stuff that is brought up (The Monocle is a space alien; there were 36 other extraordinary births in addition to the titular seven) that I expected would be addressed at a later time, but weren't. All the same, it was pretty cool.
In other comic book news, The Punisher finally killed Barracuda, and I am seriously thinking about giving up on Moon Knight because both the new writer and artist kinda suck.

Any good ideas for a new series to replace it?

100 Reasons to Own an iPod (In No Particular Order)

2008-03-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

1. "All My Friends" by LCD Soundsystem
2. "Make it Wit' Chu" by Queens of the Stone Age
3. "We're Not Alone (remix)" by Peeping Tom w/ Dub Trio
4. "A Stone With Your/My Name" by Nekromantix
5. "Age of Consent" by New Order
6. "Righteous Heart" by Nathan Lawr and the Minotaurs
7. "Apply Some Pressure" by Mark Ronson w/ Paul Smith
8. "Knights of Cydonia" by Muse
9. "The Desert is on Fire" by Murder By Death
10. "You Got It All... Wrong" by The Hives
11. "Natural Fact" by The Mooney Suzuki
12. "What About Us?" by Ministry
13. "Valerie" by Mark Ronson w/ Amy Winehouse
14. "How U Feelin'?" by Peeping Tom w/ Doseone
15. "Lucky Star" by Madonna
16. "Vicarious" by Tool
17. "Supernaut" by Ministry
18. "Hard Rock Hallelujah" by Lordi
19. "You! Me! Dancing!" by Los Campesinos!
20. "North American Scum" by LCD Soundsystem
21. "It's Not Over Yet" by Klaxons
22. "A Well Respected Man" by The Kinks
23. "Club Foot" by Kasabian
24. "Staring At the Sun" by TV On The Radio
25. "Kiss Kiss" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
26. "Thou Shalt Always Kill" by Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
27. "Rock and Roll Evacuation" by Electric Six
28. "You Think I Ain't Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire" by Queens of the Stone Age
29. "Born Too Slow" by The Crystal Method
30. "Beat That My Heart Skipped" by Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
31. "The Infanta" by The Decemberists
32. "Keep the Car Running" by Arcade Fire
33. "Starting Over" by The Crystal Method
34. "Lose Yourself" by Eminem
35. "10 AM Automatic" by The Black Keys
36. "Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine" by The White Stripes
37. "Abra Cadaver" by The Hives
38. "Love & Destroy" by Franz Ferdinand
39. "Future is in the Future" by Electric Six
40. "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" by The Dropkick Murphys
41. "The Mariner's Revenge Song" by The Decemberists
42. "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire
43. "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys
44. "Dreaming of You" by The Coral
45. "Music is My Hot, Hot Sex" by CSS
46. "Hurricane Jane" by Black Kids
47. "Here Comes Your Man" by The Pixies
48. "When the Lights Go Out" by The Black Keys
49. "Neighborhood #2 (Laika)" by Arcade Fire
50. "You Only Live Once" by The Strokes
51. "Won't Be Long" by The Hives
52. "Oh No" by Gogol Bordello
53. "This Boy" by Franz Ferdinand
54. "3's & 7's" by Queens of the Stone Age
55. "My Moon My Man" by Feist
56. "No Cars Go" by Arcade Fire
57. "Dance Pattern" by Electric Six
58. "I'll Be Your Man" by The Black Keys
59. "60 Revolutions" by Gogol Bordello
60. "Human After All" by Daft Punk
61. "Someday" by The Strokes
62. "Always the Quiet One" by The Wedding Present
63. "Icky Thump" by The White Stripes
64. "I Can't Decide" by Scissor Sisters
65. "Phenomena" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
66. "Right Hand on My Heart" by The Whigs
67. "Stinkfist" by Tool
68. "Ultimate" by Gogol Bordello
69. "Last Night" by The Strokes
70. "1234" by Feist
71. "Wonderlust King" by Gogol Bordello
72. "Wolf Like Me" by TV On The Radio
73. "Little Cream Soda" by The White Stripes
74. "Aenema" by Tool
75. "Zero" by The Smashing Pumpkins
76. "Fit But You Know It" by The Streets
77. "Sick, Sick, Sick" by Queens of the Stone Age
78. "Down Boy" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
79. "I'm Your Boogieman" by White Zombie
80. "Bodies" by The Smashing Pumpkins
81. "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes
82. "Schism" by Tool
83. "Seventeen Years" by Ratatat
84. "Way Out" by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs
85. "Kiss You Off" by Scissor Sisters
86. "I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon
87. "Bring the Light" by The Smashing Pumpkins
88. "Something Against You" by The Pixies
89. "Go With the Flow" by Queens of the Stone Age
90. "Lex" by Ratatat
91. "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups
92. "Comfortably Numb" by Scissor Sisters
93. "The Seed" by Roots
94. "(Come On) Let's Go!" by The Smashing Pumpkins
95. "Paint it Black" by The Rolling Stones
96. "Not a Crime" by Gogol Bordello
97. "Feel So Numb" by Rob Zombie
98. "Dusseldorf" by Regina Spektor
99. "Loud Pipes" by Ratatat
100. "H." by Tool

Who Watches the Watchmen?

2008-03-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

Behold!

If you beheld, you'd see the on-screen personas of characters from Alan Moore's and Dave Gibbons' super fantastic graphic novel Watchmen. I don't know how many of my loyal readers have read Watchmen, but seeing these makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
If you haven't read this monumental work of comic book greatness, let me inform you as to the characters which you beheld (if you did truly behold):
1. The Comedian: He's a super-cynical, almost evil dude yet he's one of the good guys. After his days as a masked superhero, he spends time working as a mercenary in Vietnam. You may notice the smiley face button on his right shoulder. This becomes a very significant symbol in the Watchmen mythos.
He's played by some dude from Grey's Anatomy.
2. The Nite Owl: He's kind of like Batman, if Batman wasn't a multi-billionaire. He's got a thing for nocturnal animals and is really good with gadgets. His character in the book is the stalwart good guy who is all about punishing evil.
He's played by Patrick Wilson, who was the creepy pedophile in Hard Candy.
3. Ozymandias: He's a super-smart, super-strong dude who has a man-crush on Alexander the Great. He's managed to turn his name and image into a very lucrative brand name. Does he kinda give you the creeps? Don't worry. That's natural.
He's played by Matthew Goode, who was the snooty brother-in-law from Matchpoint. But I think that he should be played by this guy.
4. Rorschach: This guy is a very unstable sociopath. He hates criminals and evildoers a lot, and expresses this by breaking their fingers when they don't cooperate. Yet, he's got a strange sense of nobility around him as he's one of the only people who knows what's really going on.
He's played by some freaky-looking bald guy.
5. The Silk Spectre: She has reluctantly taken up the mantle of Silk Spectre from her mom, who kinda pushed her into it the way some moms push daughters into ballet lessons. She's also married to Dr. Manhattan (who is unfortunately not pictured, but is going to be played by Billy Crudup), but since he's kind of like an omnipresent atomic bomb, she's not getting much joy out of it.
She's played by some chick from The Heartbreak Kid

If you haven't read this sweet graphic novel, you should. You have exactly one year before the movie comes out, so get crackin'!

Laser Tagged

2008-03-04T22:26:00.001-08:00

While I'm waiting for my clothes to dry so I can go to sleep, I do believe that I will take part in the tagging that has been swiffering the nation. But unlike my older yet dimwitted brother, I will keep my list at 8 things.

8 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I have vomited into a drinking fountain.
2. I have never gotten a speeding ticket.
3. In my spare time, I try to write terribly geeky horror/sci-fi tales.
4. I secretly love the following songs: "Lucky Star" by Madonna, "Sunrise" by Norah Jones, "Life in a Northern Town" by Dream Academy, and "Big Country" by Big Country.
5. Despite being a huge movie geek, I've never seen any of the "Godfather" movies.
6. I recently met Bill Allred of X96's Radio From Hell Show.
7. I've never broken a bone.
8. I once spent a night wandering around Oslo, Norway (the same night of the Nobel Prizes, actually) with a Welsh dude and a fratboy from Oregon while waiting for a delayed train.

Excellent. I just heard the telltale buzz of a dryer that has since stopped drying. Now, I must sleep.

Oscars Shmoscars

2008-02-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

With all of its "80 years of Oscar" historical posturing, this year's Academy Awards Ceremony was pretty low-key. Gone were the unnecessary (and mostly really stupid) skits and impromptu musical numbers, and the presenters pretty much stuck to business. Not that I'm complaining or anything. I like my results fast and dirty.
I felt good about all of the big deal nominees, despite having not seen La Vie En Rose (Who the hell is Edith Piaf anyway?). It's always a rare treat when there isn't at least one movie/actor/actress/director that I felt was way too sucky to be included with the "good" performers. It's also rare to see the movie that was actually the best win. By this I mean No Country For Old Men which is one of the best movies to come out in a really long time. I can't remember a time when a movie punched me in the brains and guts quite as effectively as No Country did.
Daniel Day Lewis definitely deserved his award for acting. I don't know of too many actors who can effectively capture the emotional depth of characters that are on par with the forces of nature. Every performance he gives is like a swirling vortex of cool that is impossible to escape. Marion Cotillard, Tilda Swinton, and big bad Javier Bardem were also quite worthy of their awards.
I thought that it was great when "Falling Slowly" from Once nabbed the Best Song award, despite the three nominations for Enchanted.
Now for the stuff that sucked.
Okay, war documentaries are all good and well (I especially liked No End In Sight), but 75% of the documentaries nominated fell into this category. This preamble is leading to my disappointment that King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters wasn't even nominated. I mean, it's important that there are documentaries that depress the hell out of us by sticking a camera right in the face of everything that is going horribly wrong in our world, but I felt that the nominees could have lightened up a bit. Plus, King of Kong was really well made and awesome.
And why the hell didn't Paul Dano get nominated for best supporting actor? Freaking' Hal Holbrook was only in that lame Into the Wild flick for like ten minutes, and he gets nominated? Stick a freaking veteran actor in your movie, have him or her waggle his or her jaw for a few minutes on poignant bit of dialogue that's supposed to be the emotional core of the story, and watch the Academy members crap their pants about it. Mr. Dano held his own in all of his scenes with Mr. Day Lewis, and I felt like he was royally gypped.
Oh, and why the hell was Miley Cyrus there?

I think that's about all that I really have to say about the show. Wait.... yeah. That should do it.

SWEDED!

Heroes? More Like Zeroes.

2008-02-18T10:06:00.000-08:00

I have to get something off of my chest real quick, and that something is this: While at the video store this week, Sheree and I didn't really know what to rent with her awesome, no-late-fee, two-movies-at-a-time (new releases or otherwise!), MVP membership at the local Hollywood Video. So we decided to rent the first two discs of Heroes: Season 1. Being an astronomically huge comic book/superhero geek, I was expecting to really dig this show. The truth? I don't dig it so much. The whole time I was like, "Gee, I wish that I was watching Lost" or "Gee, I wish I was reading X-Men." I think those things because both the super-secret overall plot and the characters' lives interweaving are done way better in Lost, and the benevolent mutation thing is done way better in X-Men.
The show also suffers from both bad writing/dialogue and bad acting, which one can only stomach for so long.
On the plus side, I think Hiro is kind of cool.

On an unrelated note, here's something that's pretty damn funny.

Video Fun Times

2008-02-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

I was just minding my own business online when I stumbled upon these two gems.
Enjoy, suckas!

And then:

Let the deuce-dropping commence!

Lovers of Loving Love

2008-02-14T10:16:00.001-08:00

For Valentine's day, I would like to take you with me to a few of the greatest lovey-dovey moments in movie history. I feel that this is an important part of my own perspective on love and romance because pretty much everything that I know about either of those things has been gleaned from many hours of movie ingestion. Here goes:

10. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me: Regardless of the completely tragic and dysfunctional family themes that run rampant in this movie, there is one part that just blows me away. It's towards the end of the film right before Laura Palmer runs off into the woods to confront her twisted fate. After discovering the true identity of BOB, Laura decides that she can't go on living. So when James picks her up on his bike and they stop at the ominous traffic light at Sparkwood and 21, Laura jumps off. But right before she runs off into the darkness that will lead to her death, she hugs him and screams with the last ounce of her humanity and goodness, "I love you James!"

9. Evil Dead II: Anyone who's seen these movies knows that once you get a Deadite in you, you're pretty much screwed. But when you're Ashley "Ash" Williams, all you need is love. While possessed by a Deadite for the second time, Ash finds the necklace that he gave to his girlfriend Linda right before he had to decapitate her. Suddenly he remembers how much he loved her and it is in this moment when the Deadite releases its grasp on him, setting him free to kick some more ass.

8. Before Sunset: While I think that this movie's prequel Before Sunrise is the better flick, Sunset's ending is excellent. The film picks up after world-weary American traveler Jesse and intellectual French student Celine finally meet up (eight years later than they had promised, but hey). After another day spent rekindling those unexpected and overwhelming feelings of love towards one another, Jesse comes up to Celine's place. His plane back home to his wife is leaving in a half hour, but he insists on having a drink before leaving. The pressure builds...is he gonna leave? Is he not gonna leave? But then Celine chuckles as she sexily dances around her apartment, "You're gonna miss your plane..." to which Jesse replies, "I know."

7. Grosse Pointe Blank: Martin Blank and Debi Newberry have one of the coolest, most emotionally charged relationships in all of movie history. It all comes to a head when Grocer and his goons attack the Newberry residence because Debi's dad has a price on his head. Martin rescues Mr. Newberry and single-handedly fends off the assault himself. At one point, Debi runs into the kitchen just as Martin is beating one of Grocer's thugs to death with a frying pan. As he delivers the final blow, he looks up, blood on his face and says, "Debi, I'm in love with you, and I know we can make this relationship work."

6. The Fountain: Even though I'm still trying to completely wrap my head around this movie, it's easy to see that past, present, and future, Tommy is doing his damnedest to keep his true love Izzi from dying. In each of his three manifestations, the love that he feels for Izzi (even when she looks like a tree) fuels everything that he does. For example, he sacrifices himself to a dying star in order to breathe new life into her, fights a freaky looking Aztec chief with a flaming sword, and develops a cure for cancer.

5. 300: Amid the sustained stylized violence and Spartans clad in leather briefs, there is a pretty intense love story going on in this movie. As the movie comes to an end, and Leonidas is the only Spartan left standing after being betrayed and defeated by the vast Persian army, he gazes upwards to see a volley of hostile arrows coming his way. At this moment, facing his death he utters the four words that have been on his mind throughout his long and bloody battle, "My wife. My queen." And let's not overlook Gorgo's speech to the senate on behalf of her husband, followed by her personal execution of the conniving Theron ("You will not enjoy this.")

4. Juno: Seeing as how Paulie Bleeker is totally boss, it felt so good to finally see him and Juno officially hook it up. It starts with him running all the way to the hospital after Juno has her baby, and while still wearing his running uniform (golden shorts, cleats, and all) climbs up on the bed and holds Juno as she processes the emotional evolution that she has just gone through, and ends with the two of them sitting on the porch tackling The Moldy Peaches duet "Anyone Else But You."

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: As the Lacuna Corp. mind-wipers zero in on Joel's last memory of Clementine (the night they first met), Joel struggles to retain this one memory that started their whole experience together. It's presented in Michel Gondry's signature style of image juxtaposition and lots of fading lights that completely illustrates what it must be like to lose one's memories. At first, it seems that all is lost, but Joel's memory of Clementine whispers "Meet me in Montauk" right before the memory altering process is over. The next day, Joel spontaneously skips work and heads to Montauk where he and Clementine meet one more time. Even after they find out that they have already dated, the end hints at the truth that love is not located in the brain.

2. Cold Mountain: I've never seen a movie in which the two main love interests manage to retain their smoldering chemistry regardless of the fact that they share about three scenes together. But, damn do those three scenes explode. The best moment has to be when Ada first sees Inman after he has made his long and arduous desertion from the Civil War. Inman, all in black set against the blinding white snow shambles down a narrow mountain pass as Ada is hunting for food. She looks up, drawing a bead on him with her shotgun. Then the gradual recognition sets in, and she shouts his name with all of this longing and passion... it's so awesome.

1. Lost In Translation: The ending of this movie is just plain brilliant. Throughout the film, the relationship between Bob and Charlotte is built with such delicacy that anything other than the film's ambiguous ending would have completely destroyed the film's overall coolness. The beauty of this scene lies in the fact that we never hear exactly what he whispers to her. Every time you watch this movie, something different could happen at the end, and that is why this movie is number one.

Happy V-Day, home-skillet.

Place Your Bets!!!!!

2008-02-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm sitting in my Methods of Teaching class. As usually happens in this class, my mind wanders. I look around at some of my fellow students and ask myself, "I wonder who would get eaten first in the event of a zombie holocuast?" or "I wonder how many of these students that I could beat in a fist-fight?" So, in honor of my wandering mind projecting simulated fights into my brains, here's a quick list of people who should fight each other, along with who I think would win. Let me know if you agree or disagree, suckas!

1. Anton Chigurh(No Country For Old Men) vs. Leonard Smalls(Raising Arizona)
I'm gonna have to give this one to Chigurh. Leonard Smalls was a big man, that's for sure, but Anton Chigurh is the embodiment of evil.

2. Ari Gold(Entourage) vs. Jack Donaghy(30 Rock)
Were this a battle between Jack Donaghy and the gay Jewish rapper Ari Gold, this one would be easy to call. But, seeing as how it's a throwdown with straight Jewish agent Ari Gold, I'm gonna declare Mr. Gold the winner.

3. Tenacious D vs. Flight of the Conchords
This one's actually pretty easy. I think that the D would win, mainly because they're huge and crazy, while the Conchords are skinny and passive.

4. Bill Pardy(Slither) vs. Ash Williams(Evil Dead)
Don't get me wrong, Bill Pardy is an American badass, but Ash would win out of pure zombie killing experience. Maybe after a few more Slither sequels we can have a rematch.

5. Daft Punk vs. Air
I'll give this one to Daft Punk. They are dressed up in cool robot suits most of the time, which means they can probably take more punishment. And as you can see by the photo of Air, they're made of glass.

6. Hayley Stark(Hard Candy) vs. Juno MacGuff
Wha? Ellen Page vs. Ellen Page? That's right. For those of you who've seen Hard Candy, you might think that Hayley has this one in the bag. But not so fast. This is a competition of actual strength and fist-fight skills. Hayley's clever, but I think that Juno has her beat in overall physical prowess.

7. Hellboy vs. Marv(Sin City)
Okay, Marv had to get the electric chair twice, so that means he's pretty damn tough. Hellboy would end up winning this fight though. Like Chigurh, he's one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse.

8. Smith(Shoot 'Em Up) vs. James Bond
The real test with this match is between Smith's agility with guns and Bond's access to sweet gadgets and sundries. Once that was solved and it came down to a head to head fist-fight, I'm seeing Bond end up winning (Smith's way dangerous with a gun, but without that, I dunno). And he'd say something awful snarky about it as he and Monica Belucci got into his flashy BMW.

9. Cylons(Battlestar Galactica) vs. Reavers(Firefly)
Since the Reavers are all about chaos and wanton devastation, it would be tough for the cool and calculating Cylons to keep up with them. I see this one ending with a lot of bloodshed, but the remaning Reavers would stalk off of the battlefield to surgically implant Cylon bits into their faces.

10. Cloverfield monster vs. The Host monster
Ummmm.... Cloverfield monster didn't ever die, and since The Host monster was done in by a highly-motivated family, I'm gonna give this one to Cloverfield.

There you have it. And yes, this is what I think about when I should be learning about six-trait writing.

Music is My Favorite Waitress

2008-02-04T16:10:00.001-08:00

Recently, my lady-love Sheree made me a CD. I would use many words to describe this CD, but I think she encapsulated it best by naming it none other than....XANADU! I think that the appropriateness of this title is born of the fact that listening to the music that she assembled inspired me to seek out awesome rock-tastic music wherever it may be found, much like a roller disco founded by Swan from The Warriors, Gene Kelly, and a muse that looks a lot like Olivia Newton John.
Thus, I wish to make public the results of my fledgling quest so that others may partake and rock. May Zeus watch over me as I continue down this wonderful and treacherous path....

1. Ratatat: 2 dudes + 1 keyboard + 2 guitars x 60,000 killer riffs = something special. All of their stuff is instrumental, and they have done numerous remixes for Biggie Smalls and other notable Rapsters. Basically, this stuff will get you all jazzed up until you foam at the mouth and pass out.

2. Klaxons: This is another techno-roboto duo that just happened to crash land in my back yard during one of those terrible snowstorms that we've been having lately. That being said, there are times when I feel like a total geek for liking these guys. They've got a pretty heavy sci-fi/fantasy vibe ("Half-man, half-horse as he still pollutes my thoughts he rides on a flame in the sky/Four horsemen 2012...Klaxons not centaurs!").

3. Black Kids: Props to Sheree for introducing me to these guys. I haven't heard too much of their stuff, but everything that I have experienced has been totally bitchin'. There's this song that they have called "Hurricane Jane" that is sooo sweet. It's like listening to "The Look of Love" by ABC freak dance with "If You Want My Body" by Rod Stewart.

4. The Wedding Present: There's this online customizable radio genome project thing called Pandora that I have to thank for recommending these guys. They kinda remind me of The Church, but that's about all I can really compare them to (it's even stretching it a bit). Oh, and they also do a wicked cover of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name." You know. The theme song from Cheers.

5. Nathan Lawr and the Minotaurs: Pretty awesome alt-country group. Even cooler, you can get a couple of their songs for free off of their Myspace page.

Now, here's a quick list of some other bands that have been blowing my mind (again, props to Sheree for always being ahead of the game)

Born Ruffians, Haha Tonka, Los Campesinos!, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova, Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip, The Streets, Mark Ronson, CSS, Lightspeed Champion, and The Whigs

En-freakin'-joy.

It's Like Being Eaten Alive By Maggots, But Worse.

2008-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take a quick opportunity to write about a great disturbance in the Force: the supremely awful sap-tastic suckfest that is Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. I had been putting off seeing this movie for a very long time because I had heard tales of heinous, sentimental montages and because it has both Jennifer Lopez and Jason "piefucker" Biggs as two of its characters. I kind of tried to deny the film's existence, because I've been a big fan of Kevin Smith since I was in high school, and didn't want to believe that he would stoop to such levels of sellout bitchery.
But, after much conversation with Sheree about how bad the movie actually is, we decided to rent it and masochistically put ourselves through one of the most odious ninety minutes of my entire life.
For starters, this monumentally crappy and awful movie is crammed with every single romantic comedy/chick-flick/lame-ass life lesson movie that has ever been excreted from Hollywood's gilded bowels. Ben Affleck (his name in the movie is Ollie Trinke. Even his fictional name is an exercise in complete idiocy) is a fast talkin' music publicist who makes wisecracks about Madonna and attends the VMA's. He marries Jennifer Lopez (Gertie. Gertie and Ollie Trinke. Can you believe that shit?) and she dies of an aneurysm after having their first baby (Which isn't much of a surprise, considering the fact that women with perfect hair and makeup during childbirth probably can't handle the process). So, Affleck is stuck with his fast-paced lifestyle at odds with his reluctant fatherhood. He gives his daughter (also Gertie. Why?) to his lovable alcoholic of a father (Even the one-time controversial stand-up comedian George Carlin pushes the boundaries of total sappiness) Affleck gets a kick to the head when he freaks out and insults Will Smith, which gets him fired.
Fast forward seven years and blah blah blah little, wisecrackin' seven-year-old blah blah blah Liv Tyler at a video rental store blah blah blah awkward attempted sex scene blah blah blah Affleck gets a second chance at his old job blah blah blah daughter doesn't wanna move to the city blah blah blah Affleck decides (with a little help from Will Smith. Oh the irony!) that family is more important blah blah blah movie ends with me puking out loads and loads of chunky gut-juice, ruining Sheree's carpet.
Now, here is a critical deconstruction of the cover, to supplement the film's inherent suckiness that has already been discussed. You'll notice that I have provided numbers next to certain sucky elements of this cover. The following will be a more in-depth analysis of these points.
1. You'll notice that Kevin Smith's picture is right here as if to say, "That's right, I'm the same guy who made such good movies as Clerks, Mallrats, and Dogma." which leads one to believe that this too will be a good movie. It's not.
2. You'll also notice that Jason Biggs is both on the cover, and has received third billing right after Liv Tyler. This leads one to believe that he probably has a big part, right? I mean, Jennifer Lopez plays Affleck's freaking wife and she's not named or featured on the cover, so Piefucker must totally be in this movie a lot, right? He's not. It's just a marketing tool designed to get all the frat-boys who walk past it at the video store to say, "Hey! This movie has the kid from American Pie in it, and since I'm one of the morons who liked that movie, I bet I'll like this one too!"
3. One more thing you'll notice is that Larry King called this movie "Terrific!" which also shows up on the cover. While Mr. King probably did say this, one fact remains: this movie is too godawful to be considered "terrific."
Aside from every moment of this movie being the worst moment of my life, the thing that really, really hurt me in my heart-realm was the fact that Kevin Smith is a very important figure in both independent film and geek-culture. To see him kneel to the god of formulaic Hollywood crap like a little bitch completely negates any credibility that he has ever had as a filmmaker.

And that just makes a little bit of me die inside.

No Mercy! No Escape! No Commercials!

2008-01-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

One day, long ago, I had a vision. I think that it started out after watching Puppet Master I-III on the Sci-Fi channel. At the time (I was in high school, working dutifully at Sam Goody, a sellout record store located within the bowels of Fashion Place Mall) I let my mind wander to what I would do if the powers that be put me in charge of a TV station. The powers would say, "Alex, we, the Powers That Be, are hereby granting you the ability to create a cable channel. Do with this opportunity as you see fit," to which I would reply, "Then let this channel be dedicated to that which terrifieth! That which horrifieth! That which cometh drenched in the whoorish blud of Babylon!" I thought a channel that was dedicated to horror movies (and horror TV shows) would be rad.
Now, years later, there is one on cable called Chiller. I was pretty stoked when I found out about it, especially after I found out that Tales From the Crypt, Twin Peaks, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and the brutally lame Freddy's Nightmares would all be included in the show's repertoire. So I started watching it. Here's why it sucks.
1. The movies that they have, although sometimes good, are both edited for content and presented with regular commercial interruptions. Unacceptable! When I watch my horror movies I demand viscera! And commercials are just annoying. I don't know anyone who disagrees with me. Which brings us to number 2.
2. Okay, regular commercials bug me enough, but the ones they show on Chiller are damned infomercials! Right after some chump gets eaten or chopped or melted, boom! It's a commercial for adult diapers and erectile dysfunction. Totally ruins the scary mood of (even an edited) horror movie. I mean, come on!
3. No original programming! What I wouldn't give to see some new TV shows that just bitched about horror film remakes, or a segment in which we watched music videos from bands that are especially terrifying. Think about it!!!

That being said, here is a sample of a day's programming were I in charge (all movies would be presented in all of their bloody glory. And while we're making things up, there wouldn't be commercials):
Let's start with the mornings. The morning should be for the kids, so from six to nine AM, we'd show all of the really cool cartoons that have a scary-ish theme, such as Count Duckula, Beetlejuice, Mutant League, The Toxic Crusaders, The Real Ghostbusters, and (since I can't think of anything better), Scooby Doo. Actually, maybe we'd start with Scooby Doo, so the good ones get seen.
From nine AM to noon would then be a good time for the horror TV shows like Tales From the Crypt, The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Night Gallery, Tales From the Dark Side, and yes both Freddy's Nightmares and Friday the 13th: The Series. These are perfect shows with which to waste time while the morning becomes the afternoon.
Next, from noon to four PM, a lovely double feature. They'd be two movies that shared a common thread or sequels like Critters and Critters 2, hosted by an Elvira/Vampira-ish hostess with a goofy zombie sidekick or something.
From four to six PM, we kick in the original programming. I'd want an Ebert and Roeper-style movie show called "Cutting Room," but instead of portly dudes, it'd be a nerdy cyborg named STAR-69 and an undead butt-rocker named Scalp. And they'd just review horror movies. Then we'd have an hour long music program called "Howlers" that showcased bands like Type O Negative and Lordi. It'd show music videos, concerts, and the occasional interview. After that, there'd be a half-hour show dedicated to milestones in the horror genre called "Freaks." It'd be about important books, people, TV, movies, etc. and their origin stories.
Six to eight PM would be filled with the two greatest macabre TV shows ever: Twin Peaks and The X-Files.
Eight PM to midnight would also be dedicated to horror movies, but they would be more focused on recent stuff from the last twenty years or so. No themes or anything, just two awesomely scary movies.
Of course at midnight, we would show a special midnight movie. These would be taken from the vast library of cult movies like Dead Alive and The Toxic Avenger. The midnight movie would probably be followed by one more random horror film, and then from 3 to 5:30 AM we would show a lot of the weird Anime that exists out there like Wicked City and Vampire Hunter D.

And there you have it! Now that I have laid this out, you're pissed that Chiller is all we have, huh? Oh well. I'll just have to wait until I get a HDTV and order Monsters HD. So until then, keep dreaming, my friends. Keep right on dreaming.

That Which Rocked in 2007

2007-12-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER:This is going to be one hell of a posting. All of that which was awe-inspiring within the pop-culture world is included. Forgive me if it is long-winded and excruciatingly badass.

Movies:
1. No Country For Old Men: I know. Everybody and their dog thought that this was the best movie ever. And for once, everybody (and yes, even their dogs) were right. Let's do the list of why this movie rocked: Acting? Check. Everbody was perfect (double points to Javier Bardem's portrayal of Anton Chigurh, one of the most terrifying bad guys in movie history). Story? Check. A simple, intriguing storyline that hints to a much more sophisticated social commentary. Cinematography? Check. Texas (and everywhere else Llewelyn ran to get away from Chigurh) was so sweeping and lonely. I could go on, but if you've seen this movie, you know it's damn near perfect.

2. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: This is second because it's the only Broadway musical to truly be badass, and because Tim Burton did a very nice job adapting it to the big screen. Johnny Depp's vocals brought a rock-star quality to Sondheim's lyrics, giving the songs about vengeance and nihilism a welcome edge. Props are also due to Sacha Baron Cohen for his portrayal of Adolfo Pirelli, a rival barber and Sweeney's first victim. He's not in it for long, but he owns every minute of his screen time.

3. Juno: Every time I think about this movie, I start smiling. It was such a clever interpretation of teenagers, their parents, and how to make the best out of a situation that nobody is ever prepared for. Out of the bazillion movies about high school, this is the one that captures all of the confusion, angst, and humor that teenagers have to deal with.

4. Grindhouse: What's not to like about a three-hour double feature created by two of the biggest horror movie geeks in the world? Rodriguez's Planet Terror was definitely superior to Tarantino's Death Proof, but the whole package was just so excessive and inspired (much like eating way too many meatballs, which I did previous to writing this) that I would define it as a milestone in movie history. And I do not use the word milestone lightly.

5. Knocked Up/Superbad: I can't really think of Knocked Up without thinking about how funny Superbad was, so they get a tie. Judd Apatow and his crew are the funniest people in the universe.

Albums:
1. Neon Bible--Arcade Fire: This band is amazing. They sneaked right into number one because I had the privilege of seeing them play live. The album is nearly flawless, and the band's musical range is beyond compare. I love every song on this album, largely because of their expert use of the pipe organ. Who knew such a lame instrument could rock so hard?
Best Song: tie between Keep The Car Running and (Antichrist Television Blues)

2. Super Taranta!--Gogol Bordello: We all know that Arcade Fire is amazing, but imagine them if they abandoned their flawless and intricate musical arrangements for unbridled and anarchic energy and chaos. Then you'd get Gogol Bordello, who truly are the yin to Arcade Fire's yang. Listening to this music makes you want to join a gypsy tribe and travel around the world, reestablishing a connection with our gypsy ancestors.
Best Song: Ultimate

3. Icky Thump--The White Stripes: I think my enjoyment of this album was due to the Raconteurs. I dug their album and all, but every time I heard Jack White on backup vocals I would think, "Why? Where are my White Stripes?" So, when Icky Thump came out (and blew my mind) I was so happy to listen to Jack and Meg bust out a little awesome awesome.
Best Song: A Martyr For My Love For You

4. Era Vulgaris--Queens of the Stone Age: The more I listen to these guys, the more I freaking love them. They lay down just enough hard rock to make you want to punch something, and the melodies and rhythms that they evoke with their dark metal powers are hypnotic. Let's also not overlook how awesome it is that my man Julian Casablancas of The Strokes pulls off some sweet guest vocals on I'm Designer.
Best Song: Make it Wit' Chu

5. Black and White Album--The Hives: This band has totally grown on me. They are the kings of the quick and the loud, but there's something about the Gothic horror that subtly backlights their image and sound that sets them apart from the rest. On this album, the well-dressed Swedes branched out a bit, the prime example being the danceable song T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S. that was forged with the help of Pharrell Williams, creating something both unique and badass.
Best Song: You Got It All... Wrong

At this point, you may want to take a break, perhaps to make yourself a sandwich or get a cold beverage. Aaaah. Nice.

TV:
1. The Office: We finally get to see Pam and Jim hook up, and then the damn writers have to strike. Regardless of that minor...inconvenience, it's been an awesome season, beginning with the hour-long episodes that kicked it all off. I loved Dwight's bed and breakfast, Andy's serenade to Angela with Here Comes Treble, Michael's declaration of bankruptcy, and just freaking everything. I hope the writers can get their royalties soon, because TV is sucking right about now.

2. 30 Rock: I started watching this show just because it happened to be on before The Office, but damn is it funny. Since it too has become a casualty of the writer's strike, Sheree and I have taken to watching the first season on DVD. Tracy Morgan is balls to the walls, and Jack McBrayer is walls to the balls. You know what I mean.

3. Project Runway: Yeah, it's a show about fashion designers. But who knew that fashion designers were so crazy and hilarious to watch? I crack up every time Ricky the lingerie guy breaks down and cries about how he can't get his garment to ruffle properly, and when Elisa the nature freak spits on her garments in order to "imbue them with her energy." Throw in Heidi Klum (or simply The Klum, as I like to call her) who is a total babe and Tim Gunn who mixes just the right amount of sarcasm in with his immaculate diction, and you've got pure entertainment.

4. Entourage: This show is great for two reasons: celebrity cameos that reflect exactly how I picture said celebrities in real life (most notably Gary Busey in Season 1 and Seth Green in Season 3) and Ari mutha f***in' Gold. Sure, it's about Vinnie Chase and his crew, but the dudes have to take a back seat to Jeremy Piven's foul-mouthed cutthroat of an agent. Johnny Drama comes really close to being as cool as Ari, but it's just not happening. For the best possible effect, watch any of the scenes with Ari and his assistant, Lloyd. Their banters back and forth are priceless.

5. Iron Chef America: For awhile now, it's become a tradition for Sheree and myself to indulge in a little Iron Chef on Sunday nights. The battlefield that is Kitchen Stadium has been the backdrop to some pretty intense culinary skirmishes. If you don't know what this show is, look into it, dammit! It's on Food Network! Sunday nights! 7:00, and then again at 11:00!

Comics:
1. Hellboy by Mike Mignola and Duncan Fegredo: The "Darkness Calls" storyarc was totally kickass. It involved a clandestine plot masterminded by the Baba Yaga, the Russian witch who lost an eye last time she tangled with Hellboy, and was very heavy in Russian folklore. The latter part of the series involved Hellboy fighting with a dude named Koschei the Deathless, who can't die unless you find his soul which is hidden within an egg within a snake within a rabbit within a goat or something jacked up like that. It was totally sweet.

2. Astonishing X-Men by Joss Whedon and John Cassaday: Lately, the revamped X-Men haven't been doing to well. The Danger Room became sentient and vengeful, Wolverine got mindfudged and thought that he was an eight-year-old, and a destructive race from a planet called Breakworld is planning on blowing up Earth. The recent issues have involved Cyclops losing his powers, going on a kamikaze space mission, dying on said kamikaze space mission, and getting resurrected only to be severely tortured.

3. All Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller and Jim Lee: I've been loving this one. Nobody writes Batman better than Frank Miller, and nobody draws Batman better than Jim Lee. True, there was about a year gap between issues three and four, but it's on track now. Among the many awesome things that have happened, Batman and Black Canary share a quick tryst, Dick Grayson's desire to be called Robin is actually cool (it's after Robin Hood), and the Joker has finally showed up (although he has a lame dragon tattoo on his back). Can't wait to see what's next!

4. The Punisher by Garth Ennis and Goran Parlov: Ennis has taken the Punisher through some wickedly twisted places with this series. Currently, a huge psycho named Barricuda has kidnapped Frank Castle's (he's the Punisher when he's not punishing) illegitimate daughter hoping to lure him out of hiding so he can administer some truly horrific torture to the man. Why, you ask? Because previously, the Punisher had gouged out Barricuda's eye, cut off four of his fingers, and left him to be eaten by sharks in the middle of the ocean. It's about to get real.

5. Moon Knight by Charlie Huston and David Finch: I've always liked Moon Knight, and Huston (who writes a lot of hardboiled crime novels) has reinvented him in a way similar to the way Garth Ennis has reinvented the Punisher. Moon Knight (like Sweeney Todd) serves a dark and vengeful god, and at this point he is doing battle with a former sidekick named Midnight who is all cyborged out. We last left Moon Knight tied to a giant clock getting his back cut open in a very painful manner by said sidekick. He'll probably get away though.

Onesies:
Best Book: The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz
Best Video Game: Rock Band
Best Website: www.whysoserious.com

That should do it! If you finished this, congratulations! You now know what a huge dork I am!

In Heaven, Everything is Fine

2007-12-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

Recently I was at Hollywood video looking for two movies: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Eraserhead. I found the latter, and was checking out the 3 for $20 rack where I procured The Host, The Fountain, and Knocked Up. I was feelin' pretty good about things.
When I got home, I had a couple of hours to kill, so I decided to pop in Eraserhead (it's due on Wednesday, after all). Let me preface my Eraserhead experience by explaining my recent David Lynch fixation.
David Lynch movies have a tendency to crawl into your head and stay around for awhile, even when you'd prefer it if they left. I endured many nights of terrible dreams after watching select episodes of Twin Peaks as a lad, but since then have become fascinated with why his stuff managed to scare me so bad. Over the years, I've seen most of his work, Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet, and Mulholland Drive being my favorites. Each of these films have a special way of making things that are normally safe and familiar (Bobby Vinton/Roy Orbison songs, the elderly, coffee, and traffic lights) and making them scary and alien. Awhile ago, Sheree introduced me to Sigmund Freud's essay called The Uncanny where Freud explains that this transition from the familiar to the unfamiliar is the basis of what he calls "the uncanny." I think that this is why David Lynch's films are so unsettling and bizarre.
That being said, Eraserhead (Lynch's first movie, filmed over about six years while he was attending the American Film Institute) is the weirdest movie that I have ever seen. In a nutshell, it involves a dude named Henry Spencer whose fling with Mary X has produced a strange, reptilian baby. The two get married, but Mary X can't handle the mutant baby's constant crying and gurgling throughout the night and leaves. Henry takes care of the baby, and has become fixated on the radiator in his apartment, where he sees this June Cleaver type woman (but scary because she has these huge distended cheeks) that sings and dances on a dilapidated stage. Henry falls in and out of bizarre hallucinations, has a brief fling with his neighbor (who stiffs him for another dude, causing the mutant baby to laugh at him), freaks out and stabs the baby-creature. This causes the electricity to overload, and (I think) the world to blow up. Man, just reading that doesn't even do it justice. It's so damn bizarre.
Anywho, the next movie I watched was Knocked Up, which in a completely weird and unexpected way, helped me understand Eraserhead a little better (but not much, mind you). I think that, like Knocked Up, Eraserhead is about life unexpectedly catching up with people who aren't really prepared for it. Eraserhead is just a really twisted and psychologically unsound interpretation of this phenomena.

Take that home. Chew it.

Finals Week, The WGA Strike, and a Little Bit of Sabotage

2007-12-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

Bonjour! At the moment, the twin suns of Mondo-Oblivia have aligned and as we all know, that means that it's finals week. I hate finals week, and finals week was made an even more horrific finals week because I took the Praxis I (for those of you who don't know, or who think that the pursuit of a career in education is beneath you, the Praxis I is a test that you take as part of your application to the teaching program. It's 4 hours long). Luckily, I bitch-slapped that mutha and am one step closer to exposing the younger generation the multitude of lies and travesties that have infested the American dream like maggots in a rotting corpse.
Speaking of rotting corpses, my MySpace friend James Gunn (writer/director of such fine films as Dawn of the Dead and Slither) is a member of the Writer's Guild of America, and is thus on strike. I've been reading his blogs about the whole sitch, and I have decided to lend my support to their cause (as depicted by the sweet banner above). However, my support is limited to the fact that pretty much all of the good shows on TV are off the air because of this strike, and I miss them. That's really the only reason I want the strike to end though.
Now, let's just take a moment to pay tribute to the greatest music video of all time:

It's a beautiful thing.

A Weird Picture, My Final Paper, and Two Things That Bug Me About Rolling Stone Magazine

2007-11-29T22:28:00.001-08:00

I've just finished a draft of a seven page paper on Mikhail Bulgakov's novel The Master and Margarita (see Sheree's blog for a picture of Behemoth the Cat wielding a machine gun, a scene from the aforementioned Russian novel). It's for my 20th Century Russian Literature class, which has been kicking my ass pretty hardcore. So, since I'm in a complainey-type mood at the moment, I'm going to bitch about a few things.
First, I hate it when new bands get pigeonholed by critics as the modern version of an older band (Rolling Stone is notorious for doing this). For example, if someone says to me, "The Silversun Pickups are like the next Smashing Pumpkins" I'd headbutt that person in the face, hopefully driving their septum directly into their brain. This phenomena irks me for two reasons: 1) The Smashing Pumpkins are still around! They are the next Smashing Pumpkins because they have always been the Smashing Pumpkins! 2) Even if the band under comparison is not around anymore, it's not cool to say, "This band sounds like the Pixies, hence they are the next Pixies," because that automatically limits the band in question to one type of sound. I call bullshit on that! Though I enjoy trying to discern a new band's influences when I listen to their stuff, I'm not about to up and insult them by saying, "They sound like a band that came before them, but haven't been able to transcend what said past band did for the world of Rock and/or Roll, so we'll just call them a modern version of said past band." And you wanna know why I wouldn't do this? Because I kick ass and take names on a regular basis, that's why!
Second, mentioning Rolling Stone magazine got me thinking of how much I'm pissed at their shenanigans. I mean, I'm down with the liberal mentality. I believe in a person's right to live his/her life however he/she wants to. I do not believe in anything that seeks to put others at a disadvantage because of their race, religion, or sexual orientation. That being said, it drives me nuts that Rolling Stone magazine has positioned itself on a platform of "liberal journalism." Why? Because Rolling Stone magazine knows that right now, on college campuses around the nation, it's cool to hate Wal-Mart and President Bush. Rolling Stone magazine knows that right now, gay rights and Stephen Colbert are cool. That's it. All of the magazine's liberal posturing is spawned from a desire to be considered cool by the burgeoning hipster intellectuals of America. Oh, and to make a lot of money. This brings us to the core of my pissedness at Rolling Stone: It portrays itself as this mecca of inclusion and tolerance, but it only includes and champions that which society has deemed cool (homosexuality is cool, democrats are cool, veganism is cool, Eddie Vedder and his ugly ass beard are cool, etc.) while excluding that which society has deemed uncool (Wal-Mart is uncool, ultra-conservative Christians are uncool, censorship is uncool, etc.). For example, last month's issue ran an article about Mitt Romney titled, Mitt Romney: The Huckster. In this article, Romney's religion was brought up as a negative: "Once you've heard this kind of drivel enough times, it's not hard to see how this flag-waving conservative actually won the governorship in Ted Kennedy's home state, or propelled his Mormon magic-underwear-wearing self to near-front-runner status in a party that is overwhelmingly, intolerantly Christian" (Courtesy of Matt Taibbi, RS Oct 2007). So here's Rolling Stone, a magazine that's all about respecting the beautiful rainbow of diversity, bashing a presidential candidate because he's Mormon/Christian. And why is it okay to bash Mormons/Christians? Because society has deemed such groups as uncool, and it's okay to be intolerant of the uncool. Frakkin' ridiculous (BSG kicks ass).

Okay, I'm going to finish this rant for now because it's getting pretty long, but I will kill again.

Not What You're Like, But What You Like

2007-11-27T08:30:00.000-08:00

I remember writing something earlier about how I was going to explain how High Fidelity ruined its potential to be a perfect film. Most of these flaws come from uninspired changes to Nick Hornby's book, and others are just flaws that come with bad choices when making a movie. If you haven't read the book, I recommend it, because otherwise this rant won't be as cool.
My main gripe with the movie adaptation was the character of Laura (played in the film by Iben Hjejle). In the book, Laura was more of a sympathetic character and you could understand her perspective on the crumbling relationship she had with Rob (John Cusack). Movie Laura was really unlikable. This made the movie's plot (which revolves around Rob's and Laura's complicated relationship) difficult to swallow. If Laura comes off as icy and shallow, it's difficult to understand why Rob wants her back so much (personally, I would have liked the movie more if Rob ended up with Marie DeSalle). Book Laura was the kind of person you'd feel completely lost without, and you were kinda pissed at Rob for not seeing this earlier. Not so much in the movie, where you're pissed at Rob for not forgetting about her real quick. So, gripe #1: Movie Laura is a jerk.
The other gripes I have about this movie are pretty much superficial, but they did have quite an impact on how I saw the film after reading the book. One such gripe is the part in which Rob is asking Barry (Jack Black) whether or not his saying "I haven't seen Evil Dead 2 yet" denotes a desire to see the movie (a hypothetical experiment he is inspired to conduct after being told by Laura that she hasn't had sex with her rebound boyfriend Ian (Tim Robbins) yet). It's a valid question and all, but it's Barry's response that irks me. He's not exactly following Rob's train of thought, so he tells him that anyone would want to see it because "it's so funny, and violent, and the soundtrack kicks ass..." Though Evil Dead 2 is funny and violent, it's soundtrack is just moody, atmospheric horror stuff. This response puzzled me for years until I finally read the book. In the book, Rob asks Barry the same question, but instead of Evil Dead 2, it's Reservoir Dogs. Now the whole discourse makes sense to me. Reservoir Dogs is funny, is violent, and its soundtrack does kick ass. So my question is this: Why change this conversation at all? Or, if you were going to change it, why leave the bit about the soundtrack in? In a movie/book that is largely punctuated by pop culture references, this travesty should not have happened. Gripe #2: Why?

My last gripe is in regards to Rob's stupid hairdo. This one is pretty self-explanatory; Rob's hair has that Boris Karloff Frankenstein's monster thing going on, much akin to Wayne Campbell when he's not wearing his Wayne's World cap. Normally a bad hairdo doesn't affect a movie's watchability, but in this case it's that bad. My visualization of Rob Gordon that I made when I was reading the book had much cooler hair. Gripe #3: Stupid Frankenstein hair (see Sheree's blog for a sweet exposition of this anomaly).
That's about it. If Mr. Stephen Frears took these things into consideration, I think High Fidelity would have been perfect. His casting of Jack Black and Todd Louiso as Rob's snobby clerks Barry and Dick? Perfect. His decision to change the location from London to Chicago? Nice. Marie DeSalle played by Lisa Bonet, who is hot(Lili Taylor and Catherine Zeta Jones were great in their roles as well) ? Very nice. The scene where Rob visualizes all of the different ways he'd like to respond to Ian's conflict resolution, especially the one where he knocks his teeth out with the phone and Dick drops a TV on his head? Priceless. If only Laura wasn't so lame, the Reservoir Dogs/Evil Dead 2 thing was sorted out, and Rob's hair wasn't so freakish, it would be one of the greatest movies of all time.

What Kind of a Hipster am I?

2007-11-22T10:37:00.000-08:00

Sheree found this cool quiz that I'm going to take now. Let's see how cool the both of us are!

If you had to choose:

1. Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly? Gene Kelly. Wasn't he in Singin' in the Rain? That movie was cool.
2. The Great Gatsby or The Sun Also Rises? The Sun Also Rises.
3. Count Basie or Duke Ellington? Count Basie, for he is friends with Count Blogula.
4. Cats or dogs? Dogs. I'd like a beagle someday. I'd name him Ajax.
5. Matisse or Picasso? I'm gonna go with Picasso.
6. Yeats or Eliot? Eliot. It's not his fault Cats was so...disturbing.
7. Buster Keaton or Charlie Chaplin? Buster Keaton. Wait...yeah.
8. The Who or the Stones? The Stones. Hey, I just realized that I've seen both of these bands live! I'm cool!
9. Trollope or Dickens? Dickens, cuz I don't know who Trollope is. Sounds like a tasty, cream-filled dessert.
10. Billie Holiday or Ella Fitzgerald? Billie Holiday.
11. Dostoyevsky or Tolstoy? Dostoyevsky. Screw War and Peace.
12. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Burgers. Especially those of the In&Out/Acme Burger variety.
13. Letterman or Leno? Letterman. I impersonated him for my fifth grade talent show.
14. Wilco or Cat Power? Cat Power. I just haven't been able to get into Wilco.
15. Grace Kelly or Marilyn Monroe? Marilyn Monroe.
16. Bill Monroe or Johnny Cash? Johnny Cash. Who is Bill Monroe, and why is he being compared to Johnny Cash? Why not Waylon Jennings or something.
17. Robert Mitchum or Marlon Brando? Marlon Brando, although I do not respect the way he let himself get all inflated.
18. Vermeer or Rembrandt? Rembrandt.
19. Grosse Pointe Blank or High Fidelity? Grosse Point Blank. High Fidelity was almost the perfect movie, but it made a few tragically critical mistakes. I'll write a post about this one.
20. Comedy or tragedy? If we're talking about Shakespeare, I prefer his tragedies. I guess overall I like tragedies. I'm morbid.
21. Fall or spring? Fall. That's when my birthday is, plus Halloween and Thanksgiving are great too. Today's Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving!
22. The Sopranos or The Simpsons? The Simpsons. Best...show...ever.
23. Rodgers and Hart or Gershwin and Gershwin? Gershwin and Gershwin.
24. Joseph Conrad or Henry James? Conrad. Heart of Darkness is one of the best books ever written, and it's in the guy's like, third language.
25. Sunset or sunrise? Sunset. That's when the magic happens.
26. Johnny Mercer or Cole Porter? Johnny Mercer. Read 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.' You'll understand.
27. Mac or PC? Mac, cuz I'm writing this on a mac, and macs are cool.
28. New York or Los Angeles? I guess New York. The dudes on Entourage say that the pizza is much better in New York.
29. Stax or Motown? Stax. Thank you, history of rock n' roll class.
30. Van Gogh or Gauguin? Van Gogh. Cutting off your own ear shows commitment.
31. Steely Dan or Elvis Costello? Elvis Costello.
32. Reading a blog or reading a magazine? Magazine. I like to hold onto what I'm reading.
33. Chinatown or Bonnie and Clyde? Bonnie and Clyde. It's a cool story.
34. Ghost World or Election? Ghost World. Election was kinda lame, plus Ghost World had that awesome mullet guy.
35. Daffy Duck or Bugs Bunny? Daffy. Bugs is freakin' sellout.
36. Modernism or postmodernism? Postmodernism. The end is near.
37. Batman or Spider-Man? Batman all the way. I would love to see Batman kick Spider-Man in the chest.
38. Jane Austen or Virginia Woolf? I'll say Jane Austen. Virginia Woolf looks like an ugly Nicole Kidman.
39. The Honeymooners or The Dick Van Dyke Show? Honeymooners.
40. Out of the Past or Double Indemnity? Double Indemnity. I like seeing Fred MacMurray do evil.
41. Blue or green? Blue's pretty cool.
42. A Midsummer Night’s Dream or As You Like It? I knew we were talking about Shakespeare! I choose A Midsummer Night's Dream.
43. Ballet or opera? Ooh. Ballet?
44. Film or live theater? Moviefilms.
45. Acoustic or electric? Electric. Always electric.
46. The Music Man or Oklahoma? Oklahoma, since it served as the inspiration for 'Cannibal: The Musical.'
47. Sushi, yes or no? Yes, but only under certain circumstances. Like, I don't like it when people put 'going to get sushi' on par with 'going to the movies,' or when yuppies meet at sushi bars to discuss yuppie things.
48. Tennessee Williams or Edward Albee? Tennessee Williams. Streetcar is dope.
49. Frank Lloyd Wright or Mies van der Rohe? Mies. Yup.
50. Diana Krall or Norah Jones? Norah Jones.
51. Watercolor or pastel? Pastel. Watercolor is so kindergarten.
52. Crunchy or smooth peanut butter? Smooth. What if those crunchies are bugs?
53. Willa Cather or Theodore Dreiser? Willa Cather.
54. The Fifties or the Twenties? Twenties.
55. Huckleberry Finn or Moby-Dick? Huck Finn.
56. Thomas Mann or James Joyce? Joyce. I think I'm gonna read Ulysses someday.
57. Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman? Whitman.
58. Abraham Lincoln or Winston Churchill? Lincoln. I ain't no Brit!
59. Italian or French cooking? Italian.
60. Anchovies, yes or no? Never had them. Overall, I'd say no, but I'm not opposed to trying them once before I die.
61. Short novels or long ones? Long ones.
62. Swing or bebop? Bebop, especially when he fights ninja turtles with Rocksteady.

Nice! I totally finished this quiz. I'd also like to point out that I've been watching A Scanner Darkly (that I purchased with L.A. Confidential in an excellent two for ten dollars deal at Peterson's) and it's a total mindfudge.

Freud vs. Horror Movies

2007-11-14T21:54:00.000-08:00

As the (belated) 4th Annual Halloweenie Roast draws near, I feel that it is important that we delve into the list of moviefilms that will be featured this year. The inspiration for this list came from an essay by a dude named Stephen Schneider called Monsters as (Uncanny) Metaphors. In this essay, Schneider has generated a list of "surmounted beliefs" that was set up by Freud and later by Lakoff that have inspired modern movie monsters (alliteration sometimes kicks ass). Here goes:

1. Surmounted beliefs that the dead can return to life (dead bodies and evil spirits)
2. Surmounted beliefs in the omnipotence of thought (that's telekinesis, Kyle)
3. Surmounted beliefs in the existence of a double (robots and schizophrenics)

In order to properly exhibit Freud's observation, the following films will be ingested over a period of twelve hours (if we can make it that long):

1a. DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)
This was a fairly obvious choice, seeing as how zombies are the ultimate example of the dead returning to life. And for all y'all who are all, "The 1978 one was superior," I beg to differ. Although I liked the original, and I won't say that the remake is better, I will say that the remake is cooler.
I mean, the opening credits alone are freaking amazing.

1b. FALLEN
In addition to dead bodies returning to life, evil spirits and possession fit into this category. Not to mention that this movie is freaking awesome. Whenever you hear "Time Is On My Side" by the Rolling Stones after seeing this movie, you'll be watching your back.

2a. SCANNERS
I haven't seen this movie before, but I hear that it's about folks who make other folks' heads explode with their mind powers. Sounds great.

2b. CARRIE
Here is another film that I haven't gotten around to watching. Again, we have some telekinesis that is applied liberally. And now that I'm writing this, I remember seeing bits and pieces of The Rage: Carrie 2 and wanting to gouge out my eyes with a corkscrew. Hopefully the first one won't inspire a similar reaction.

3a. TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Alex, how does this apply to a fear of doubles?" And here is my reply: "You see, robots that look like people are scary because maybe somewhere out there someone has made a robot copy of you. And let's not forget the T-1000 who can shapeshift and become a copy of you right before he stabs you with a blade." Does that answer your make-believe question? Good.

3b. EVENT HORIZON
Now here you're probably all, "Wait. I now understand the Terminator thing, but this? No way." "Yes way," I reply calmly, "because doubles can also exist inside our own minds. When this happens to a person, it is called schi-zo-phre-ni-a (ski-tso-fre-ni-a). In Event Horizon, some people succumb to this horrifying malady, and are therefore doubles of themselves."
"Interesting..." You say, clearly convinced of the argument's brilliance, "Now, what's to be done about this ski...schi... what was it called again?"
"Schizophrenia."
"Yes. What's to be done, and am I at risk?"
"Luckily, schizophrenia is quite commonly dealt with by professionals on a daily basis, and as for yourself, I would like to reassure you by saying that schizophrenia only happens when someone has been through a large amount of psychological trauma, like having a watermelon dropped on your head or watching The Rage: Carrie 2."
"Whew. Now that is a load off. Praise be unto your mighty genius."
"Why thank you. I...Oh! I seem to have trailed off. I hope that those of you who dare witness the unnatural mutation of Freud, Lakoff, and six horror movies enjoy yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Sometimes, You Just Can't Keep it in: The Origin of the Halloweenie Roast

2007-11-07T15:39:00.001-08:00

Hello again, loyal readers. I thought this was an accurate portrayal of how one feels after Halloween is through. October was a crazy month for this guy. I hit up Disneyland with my lady (and her family, who was kind enough to take me along), spelunked into the dark depths of Vegoose (see previous post, if you dare), and had a shit load of homework to do.
So, because it's tradition and all, the 4th Annual Halloweenie Roast will be taking place next week at my house. I'll post a list of movies on the menu in a few days (I still don't have my snobby choices finalized), but for now, let me explain the origins of this unholy rite.
It all started four years ago in the cursed realm of Makeevka, Ukraine. I had about two months before I headed home, so I wanted to leave a legacy of sorts. I got the awesome idea to get my English class as well as the LDS youth around to go out into the woods with me and the other missionaries so we could scare the crap out of them. On the outskirts of said woods, we found a ruined church that was downright horrifying. There were paintings of Bible stories right up on the walls, but all of the characters had their eyes scratched out. The roof was caved in, and the floor was covered in rubble and assorted debris. It had obviously been the scene of many drug deals and voodoo rituals (the photograph carefully placed into a pile of poo gave me this impression).
We had about a week to get it all ready, but we owned it. I'm talkin' robot costumes made out of boxes and tinfoil, old gas masks, and whatever other junk we could find. Once Halloween rolled around we were ready to rock. As soon the other missionaries were in place, we escorted a large group of Ukrainian folks out into our nightmare (think AF's Haunted Forest, but worse).
When our group of victims was successfully led through the woods (there were some priceless moments. Those Ukrainians weren't used to regular spook alleys.) we broke out the hot dogs and had a cookout. Hence, the birth of the first annual Halloweenie Roast.
I've been keeping this tradition up since I've been back (but instead of going out in the woods, we watch a lot of horror movies while we eat our hot dogs), because when you mix horror movies and hot dogs, miracles can happen.

Satanists and Robots Assault Vegoose '07

2007-10-30T22:44:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I was privileged to get my socks rocked off by some of the most ass-kicking bands around. I was also privileged to see the gaggle of Las Vegas freaky freakies who came out to pay tribute to the pantheon of rock gods that called down fire and brimstone with their furious rock-on-itude. Since it's tough to describe exactly what the crowd looked like with wordses, have a look at this:
Boy, that doesn't even do it justice.
Anywho, I wanna get more into who I saw and how they ranked on the Awesometer, so here goes.
DAY 1, 12:45 PM
Gogol Bordello: I've just recently started to listen to these self-proclaimed Gypsy Punks, and they are completely nuts. As soon as I heard their album "Super Taranta!" I thought to myself, "I bet these guys kick ass live," and I was totally right. Onstage, this eight-piece force of nature was a riot. Frontman Eugene Hutz channeled generations of archaic gypsy energy and sent it spinning into the crowd, not to mention the furious fiddlin' of The Sergey (who was good enough to let me take a picture with him). The highlight of their act came right before their performance of "Start Wearing Purple" when a barechested Hutz poured the bottle of wine he'd been nursing all over himself, effectively wearing some purple of his own.
DAY 1, 2:00 PM
Mastodon: Before Vegoose, I wasn't super familiar with this band. I'd heard about their album that was an adaptation of Moby Dick and I thought that they had a cool name, so I went to check them out. My verdict? Not bad. Honestly, I'm not the biggest fan of this type of music (the Ozzfest heavy metal throat grumbly stuff), but they were decent enough to check out.
DAY 1, 5:00 PM
Cypress Hill/Public Enemy: I'm going to say right off the bat that I really hate rap music. So I walked back and forth between the Double Down stage and the Jokers Wild stage to see these two groups, who I actually kinda like despite my poor opinion of their genre. Cypress Hill rapped about getting high (no surprise) and Public Enemy's Flava Flav led the audience in cheering "Fuck George Bush!" which was well-received by all.
DAY 1, 6:00 PM
The Shins: I'm not the biggest fan of this band, and I think they're just a touch overrated, but to their credit, they put on a good show. In the spirit of Halloween, the took the stage dressed like undead Spanish Inquisitors. I enjoyed their setlist, and even more intriguing was their decision to communicate with the audience with Ringwraith-like shrieks and hisses instead of regular talk. Nice!

DAY 1, 7:30 PM
Queens of the Stone Age: Remember back when I said I wasn't the biggest fan of Mastodon-esque metal? Well I am a huge fan of QOTSA-esque metal. These guys cut into their instruments like surgeons and the diagnosis? BADASS! Lead vocalist Josh Homme prefaced each song with a shout out to all the fine ladies and ended their set by discouraging people from riding the ferris wheel and encouraging people to ride each other. Class mutha effin' act.
DAY 1, 8:15-10:15 PM
Iggy Pop and the Stooges/Thievery Corporation: At this point there was a lull in my Vegoose enthusiasm. I sauntered over to the Snake Eyes stage to see Iggy and his boys do "I Wanna Be Your Dog," but that was about all I could handle. While waiting for the final act, I plopped my butt down to listen to the smooth sounds of Thievery Corporation. I recognized "Lebanese Blonde" from the Garden State soundtrack, and all of their other stuff was rad; complete with the occasional belly dancer.
DAY 1, 10:15 PM
Daft Punk: When I was in high school, I listened to their album "Homework" quite a bit (as did everyone else in the world at that time) and after seeing them do their robo-light show live, I realized just how awesome these French techno-spinners actually are. They materialized onstage in a giant pyramid, started rocking out, and just didn't stop. The show got better and better and better until I thought my brain was going to liquify.

DAY 2, 3:00 PM
Ghostland Observatory/Infected Mushroom: One of the best things about going to a music festival such as this is the opportunity to be exposed to bands you've never heard of. Sometimes it sucks and you get pissed, but other times it's awesome and you get stoked. Both of these bands fell into the latter category. Ghostland's frontman Aaron Behrens gyrated like a cobra under a snakecharmer's spell, and cursed the "demon" sun for draining all of his energy. Afterwards, Infected Mushroom busted out some wicked rock/techno stuff that reminded me of LCD Soundsystem. I was very impressed with both of these groups, and can't wait to add them as friends on MySpace.
DAY 2, 6:30 PM
Muse: I've always liked Muse. I can't put my finger on why, but they've got a very unique sound, and their guitar section is mindblowing. If I'm ever traveling through space, I'd like to have some Muse playing in the background. Anywho, these wily brits got the crowd totally warmed up for the final act, shot confetti all over the place, and cranked out an awesome cover of Nina Simone's "Feeling Good." Oh, and their drummer was dressed up like Spider-Man.

DAY 2, 9:00 PM
Rage Against the Machine: As I said above, Muse prepped the crowd very well for the anticipated performance by the Lords of all Ass-Kicking, and I managed to weasel my way up to the front of the crowd before Rage went on. Now, I'm not much of a mosh-pit fixture, nor do I like it when legions of sweaty freaks constantly rub up on me, so by the time Rage was halfway through "Bulls On Parade," I knew that I was in trouble. So, I weaseled my way to the back, bought myself some lemonade, and enjoyed the show from a safe distance. They wrapped up the show amazingly, and I'm pretty sure all the mounted cops were around just in case some total chaos broke out (it was just partial chaos, so everybody was okay).
In The End: As we drove back to our homes in Salt Lake City, it was tough to believe that it all really happened. Two days spent with some amazing music and some genuine cave people just doesn't seem like it can take place. But it did, and it was barf-inducingly radical.

Everyone Loves an Amnesiac

2007-08-16T14:14:00.001-07:00

After watching all three Bourne movies, I thought to myself “Self, I like watching amnesiacs struggle with the cruel hand that fate has dealt them. And if they manage to cap a few fools along the way, I’m not going to complain.” Upon having this
realization, I began to think of the many other amnesiacs that I know and love. If only they could remember who I am…

1. Clementine Kruczynski and Joel Barish (Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: Not only is this a tale of voluntary lacunar amnesia (on par with a night of heavy drinking), it happens to be one of the greatest love stories of all time. Despite the fact that Joel and Clementine have erased one another from each other’s mind, they still manage to meet up and (hopefully) work it all out. Even amnesia can’t stop two people from being in love. It’s just so cute.
Amnesiawesome: In an attempt to save his memory of Clementine, Joel finds her and attempts to hide her in the parts of his mind that are reserved for personal shame and humiliation. It takes a lot of love to bring someone into those dark and painful mental regions, that’s for sure.

2. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon), The Bourne Identity, Supremacy, and Ultimatum: My man Jason Bourne. I can safely say that I love the guy. Even though he’s killed countless people and could do me in with a Bic pen, I just really hope he gets his life sorted out.
Amnesiawesome: After finding out about his first mission (the one that involved killing a married couple and making it look like the killed themselves), Bourne tracks down their daughter and explains what happened. Sure, the guy can tangle with the most deadly of assassins, but it’s these moments of integrity that make him heroic.

3. River Tam (Summer Glau): Like Jason Bourne, River is a government-engineered weapon whose mind has been fractured by needles and experiments. Her brother Simon the doctor kidnapped her and smuggled her aboard Serenity in hopes to get her away from the ever-pursuant Alliance. While on the ship, she talks all kinds of scary nonsense and surprises everyone when an animated Japanese octopus triggers her into kicking the crap out of a whole bar full of people. Badaaasss.
Amnesiawesome: Within the first half hour of Serenity, the crew is chased out of a backwater town by the cannibalistic and scary-as-hell Reavers. After watching Mal (Nathan Fillion) shoot a townsfolk to save him from being eaten alive and seeing Jayne (Adam Baldwin) get harpooned through the leg, the first thing that River says upon reaching the safety of their ship? “I swallowed a bug.”

4. Sammy Jankis (Guy Pearce), Memento: It’s been awhile since I’ve watched this flick, but I do remember how intense it was to watch Sammy tattoo clues on his body and leave himself reminders everywhere. Honestly, this one hurt my head pretty badly. But I’ll be okay.
Amnesiawesome: After we find out that Carrie-Anne Moss (I forget her character’s name. How ironic!) is evil, we watch as she confesses her evil intentions, leaves the house, and returns five minutes later. Due to Sammy's regrettable condition, he still thinks she's okay. What a total bee-yotch.

5. Rita/Camilla Rhodes (Laura Elena Harding), Mulholland Drive: In Lost Highway, David Lynch was toying with the idea of what smartfolk call a dissociative fugue, which is when a person mentally erases their own identity and recreates another one due to some kind of trauma or psychosis. Rita in Mulholland Drive may or may not be suffering from some sort of “fugue” syndrome. It took me exactly sixteen hours to get that far in my interpretation of this movie.
Amnesiawesome: No, it’s not the girl on girl love scene. Pervs. It’s when Rita and Betty (Naomi Watts) visit the strange nightclub Silencio. It appears to be a halfway point between the mental worlds that Rita and Betty inhabit while living in the crazy city of L.A. And I thought Rebekah Del Rio’s Spanish version of “Cryin’ Over You” by Roy Orbison was a tear jerker.

6. John Murdoch (Rufus Sewell), Dark City: Unlike the other members of this list, John Murdoch has amnesia because of alien parasites. He lives in a city that is controlled by the Strangers (the aforementioned alien parasites), who conduct mind experiments on the city’s inhabitants. Murdoch wakes up in a bathtub with no memory of who he was because all of his memories have been extracted from his brain via creepy syringe by Dr. Schreber (Kiefer Sutherland). Long story short, he learns how to use the Strangers’ powers against them, does mighty battle with their leader, and recreates the city in a more sunny and happy image.
Amnesiawesome: Though it appears that Mr. Murdoch is about to be killed by the Strangers, Dr. Schreber sneakily injects his brain with the know-how to use their alien captors’ telekinetic powers against them. Afterwards, an all out mental apocalypse takes place as John and Mr. Book shoot telekinetic bolts at one another. Mental Apocalypse would be a good band name.

7. Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman), X-Men: Before I start, I’d just like to say that Brett Rattner has screwed this franchise. Anywho, Wolverine got amnesia because of government experiments too (that’s three!). The reason he gets to be in his own category is because he’s a mutant and the experiment involved lacing his skeleton with unbreakable adamantium steel! Not to mention that when he starts having flashbacks of his torturous ordeal, he usually freaks out and kicks some ass.
Amnesiawesome: Honestly, when isn’t Wolverine doing something awesome? He’s either going berserk on soldiers or trying to steal Jean Grey away from dorky Cyclops.

A dream that I had in the middle of winter

2007-07-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

It starts with a large military force walking through the streets of a city that looks to be somewhere in the Middle East. My perspective is that of the commanding officer of this military force. Eventually we come to what looks like a small house. I knock on the door and say something in another language. There is a long pause, but a voice from within shouts at us to enter. The door is opened and we all walk inside. Inside, the small house appears to be a fortress. The ceiling is gone and the sky is cloudy and gray. We are walking through a narrow hallway with large stone walls on either side of us. Everywhere I look there are soldiers that appear to be of Arabic descent. They regard us suspiciously from the tops of the walls and from the end of the hallway. I remember thinking to myself that if they wanted, they could gun us all down right now very easily. But they don’t, and we keep walking. Eventually we come out of the long stone hallway into what looks like a courtyard. Now the structure looks to be built out of the ruins of a very old castle. The grounds are very large and in the distance there appears to be the living quarters. As our guide leads us closer to the middle of the courtyard (and to what I assume to be the leader of this group) I start hearing orders coming from my earpiece to ‘wait for the second gunners,’ which were a group of our soldiers that were already here and disguised as the Middle Eastern soldiers. As soon as they revealed themselves, we started killing everyone. We combed through the ruins shooting everyone in sight. In addition to soldiers, there appeared to be men of different ethnicity wearing suits. We killed these men as well. I recall two men of the aforementioned description walking calmly towards me. One told the other that he ‘had evidence that would get them out of here.’ I shot both of them and kept moving. At this point my perspective changed to that of different soldiers around the ruins. When we got to the living quarters, they were mostly empty. We searched the rooms one by one. Eventually we found one with a woman and two or three children. She was screaming, but my soldier talked to her and tried to calm her down. In a few minutes he came back out. I just nodded to him, and he went back into the room. I heard gunshots, and for a brief second saw the terrified children right before they were killed in their bed. After this, the world around me slowed down and then there was a flash-forward. In the same room that I had been a military commander, I was now a journalist (I think) and it was something like five years later. I was standing in this room with another man (who looked Arabic) and we started to walk down a flight of stairs back to the courtyard. When we got to the bottom, I saw some old women hunched over and painting a red line around the perimeter of the courtyard. These women were chanting something as they did this which reminded of Native Americans. My guide explained to me that this was the day of a ceremony commemorating the bloodshed that took place five years ago, and that the women were blessing the ground. I looked over to the opposite side of the courtyard and saw many people with flowers and banners who looked as if they were in mourning. We walked over in their direction chatting about things that I don’t remember. We left the ruins and started to walk up the street. My guide showed me the scaffolding on the outside of the ruins and explained his excitement that they were restoring these old buildings. As we walked, I saw other ruins that looked to be separate from the structure in which we started. We walked for a very long time up this road, and it soon changed from cobblestones to dirt. At this point my guide began talking about religion and his own perspective of religion. He explained that there were three things about religion that he loved. I don’t remember the first two, but the third was ‘long, dark, silences.’ He then posed the example of that time after two people make love and are lying in bed together. He said that during this time, he waits for his companion to fall asleep and then just lies there in the dark silence. At this point, another man interjected (this man just appeared. I don’t remember him being with us at the beginning, although my guide appeared to know him) saying all manner of things about how one should properly treat a lady, like bringing flowers and candy and lots of different things. My guide just laughed and I thought this man was drunk. It is also important to note that when this second man appeared in my dream, there was a simultaneous appearance of a pan filled with frosted and sprinkled brownies.
As we walked up this dirt road, my guide continued to talk about religion (though I don’t remember any details). I did get the impression that this man was the head of some form of militant sect at this point. I also figured that it was his plan to take revenge on those who killed everybody in the ruins five years ago. Soon we stopped at a decrepit old house that looked painfully small. We walked in, and there were many other people inside. The room looked like a small arena. Everyone stood in rows that were separated by metal gates and poles. Soon an old woman came out and announced something that I couldn’t understand, but elicited cheers from the crowd, my guide included. She then walked out of my line of sight and released a small pig into the arena in front of us. The pig was running around on two legs and for some reason looked artificial. Soon after, a wolf came running in. The pig attempted to flee from the wolf, but the arena was so small that the wolf had the pig in no time. The wolf dragged the pig into my peripheral vision. I couldn’t see the wolf or the bottom half of the pig, but I could tell the wolf was ravenously devouring the small animal. At this point, the horrible violence that was being inflicted on the pig is difficult to explain. I could still see the top half of the pig, and I saw its skin get ripped off, its skull caved in, and there was blood everywhere. In a few moments, the old woman came back in to gather up the bloody remains of the pig (which now looked like a human doll/child). The wolf obediently stood at the old woman’s heel. I looked over at my guide who was drinking from a hip flask, and then back to the old woman. The wolf was now a young girl with blood all over her face. She asked my guide for a drink from his flask, but the old woman reprimanded her, telling her that ‘she must do what she does for free, otherwise it loses its meaning.’
At this point, I woke up.